...ALL THE WAY FROM HOME, GIVE IT UP FOR YOUR HOST,
THE ONE, THE ONLY MR. HARRY STYLES!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
>> Harry: THANK YOU!
THANK YOU!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU.
>> STYLES: GOOD EVENING, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO THE
SHOW.
WELCOME TO THE SHOW.
NO, YOUR EYES DO NOT DECEIVE YOU, I AM NOT JAMES CORDEN, I
AM, IN FACT, HARRY STYLES.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU MAY BE WONDERING WHY I'M
HOSTING TONIGHT, AND, YES, YOU'RE RIGHT, DONALD TRUMP
FINALLY GOT TIRED OF ALL OF JAMES' JOKES AND DEPORTED HIM
BACK TO ENGLAND.
( LAUGHTER ) I'M KIDDING.
I ACTUALLY HAVE SOME GREAT NEWS.
THIS IS EXCITING.
LITERALLY, JUST A HALF AN HOUR AGO, JAMES AND HIS WIFE JULES
HAD A BEAUTIFUL BABY GIRL!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IN FACT, I WAS JUST AT THE
HOSPITAL BEFORE I CAME TO FILL IN, AND SHE LOOKS A LOT LIKE
JAMES.
( LAUGHTER ) MOSTLY BECAUSE JAMES ALREADY
LOOKS LIKE A GIANT BABY.
( LAUGHTER ) I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I
REALIZE THIS IS JAMES' SHOW, AND THIS IS A ONE-TIME DEAL.
ONE TIME THING.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ONE TIME.
UNLESS, UH -- UNLESS CBS LIKES WHAT THEY SEE.
( CHEERING ) BUT I AM HERE TO FILL IN FOR
JAMES, SO WE SHOULD TALK ABOUT WHAT'S GOING ON IN THE NEWS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOW, IF YOU'RE ANYTHING LIKE ME,
THE ONLY THING THAT YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS ARE TALKING ABOUT IS THE
ALABAMA SENATE RACE, AND TODAY WAS THE BIG ELECTION BETWEEN
DOUG JONES AND CONTROVERSIAL REPUBLICAN CANDIDATE ROY MOORE.
ROY MOORE WENT TO THE POLLS THIS MORNING TO VOTE FOR HIMSELF, AND
HE TOOK A VERY UNUSUAL MODE OF
TRANSPORTATION.
THIS IS REAL.
TAKE A LOOK.
>> ROY MOORE ROAD ON HORSE BACK WITH HIS WIFE KAYLA MOORE, WE
HAVE BEEN INFORMED BY THE CAMPAIGN.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Harry: OKAY.
I DON'T KNOW TOO MUCH ABOUT MY HOOFED ANIMALS, BUT I'M PRETTY
THAT'S AN ASS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
I MADE THAT ONE UP MYSELF.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MOVING ON, YESTERDAY, PRESIDENT
TRUMP ANNOUNCED THAT HE WANTS TO SEND ASTRONAUTS BACK TO THE MOON
FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 45 YEARS.
AND THEN THE PRESIDENT WAS STARTLED WHEN MELANIA YELLED,
"I'LL GO!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND HERE SAN OUTRAGEOUS STORY WE WERE TALKING ABOUT THIS MORNING
IN THE BREAK ROOM OVER A CUP OF JOE.
IN THE PAST THREE MONTHS, AIRLINES EARNED A RECORD
$1.2 BILLION JUST IN BAGGAGE FEES!
( LAUGHTER ) BUT, I SHOULD SAY, THEY ONLY
RECEIVED HALF OF THE MONEY.
THE AIRLINES LOST THE OTHER HALF.
THEY THINK IT MIGHT BE IN CLEVELAND OR OMAHA, THEY'RE NOT
QUITE SURE YET.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( APPLAUSE )
THEY'LL GET BACK TO YOU IN THE NEXT FEW WEEKS.
IT'S GOING TO BE A GREAT SHOW TONIGHT!
I'M GOING TO BE HERE HOSTING THE ENTIRE SHOW.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU.
ONCE AGAIN, CONGRATULATIONS TO JAMES AND JULES.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT BEFORE WE GO ANY FURTHER, I
WOULD LIKE TO ADDRESS ONE THING.
OVER THE PAST 24 HOURS, A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE BEEN TALKING ABOUT
THAT KISS JAMES AND I SHARED DURING LAST NIGHT'S "CHRISTMAS
CARPOOL KARAOKE."
SO I WOULD LIKE TO TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO FORMALLY
ANNOUNCE...
JAMES AND I WILL ALSO BE HAVING A BABY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU!
REGGIE, ARE YOU READY?
HE'S REGGIE WATTS, I'M HARRY STYLES, AND THIS, THIS IS THE
"LATE LATE SHOW."
ROLL THE TITLES.
I HAVE TO BE VERY HONEST.
IT'S NOT EXACTLY HOW I SAW MY DAY PANNING OUT.
( LAUGHTER ) I WAS AT HOME LITERALLY TWO
HOURS AGO, IN THIS SUIT, OBVIOUSLY.
( LAUGHTER ) I GOT THE CALL THAT JULES WAS
GOING INTO LABOR.
SO JAMES NATURALLY CALLED THE FUNNIEST GUY HE KNEW --
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
-- AND HE WASN'T AROUND, SO I'M FILLING IN.
( LAUGHTER ) I'M ACTUALLY INCREDIBLY EXCITED
TO BE HERE BECAUSE, TODAY, WE ARE DOING A BREATHTAKING PIECE
OF ORIGINAL COMEDY.
( LAUGHTER ) ITS TIME FOR "DOGS IN
SUNGLASSES."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> James: OKAY.
I'D LIKE TO TAKE A SECOND TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT THIS GUY.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) THIS GUY TAKES THE OFFICE SECRET
SANTA EXCHANGE SO SERIOUSLY, HE'S KILLED SIX PEOPLE TO
PROTECT HIS IDENTITY.
( LAUGHTER ) THIS GUY LOVES THE HOLIDAYS,
EXCEPT FOR CHRISTMAS MORNING WHEN, EVERY YEAR, NO MISTAKE,
THE KIDS MISTAKE HIM FOR A TOY AND TRY TO SHOVE AA BATTERIES UP
HIS (BLEEP).
( LAUGHTER ) LET ME TAKE A SECOND TO TALK TO
YOU ABOUT THIS GUY.
( LAUGHTER ) THIS GUY ISN'T DOING THE 12 DAYS
OF CHRISTMAS.
THIS GUY'S DOING THE 12 STEPS OF CHRISTMAS.
( APPLAUSE ) YOU GUYS IN A HURRY?
YOU GOING ANYWHERE?
YOU HAVE A SECOND TO STAY?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I'LL ONLY TAKE A COUPLE OF
SECONDS TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT THIS GUY.
THIS GUY HAS TO LIVE WITH THE FACT THAT LAST YEAR DURING A
BLACK FRIDAY DOOR-BUSTER SALE HE TRAMPLED A BEST BUY CASHIER TO
DEATH.
( LAUGHTER ) LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING ELSE
ABOUT THIS GUY.
THIS GUY'S DREAMING OF A WHITE CHRISTMAS, NOT BECAUSE HE LOVES
SNOW BUT BECAUSE HE'S SUPER RACIST.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I DON'T WRITE THEM.
I'M JUST FILLING IN.
( LAUGHTER ) LET ME TAKE A SECOND AND TALK TO
YOU ABOUT THIS GUY.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) THIS GUY WAS PLAYING SANTA AT
THE MALL FOR THREE DAYS BEFORE THEY REALIZED THEY DIDN'T HERE
ANYBODY TO PLAY SANTA.
( LAUGHTER ) AND THIS GUY IS GOING TO TRY HIS
BEST NOT TO THINK OF SUSAN AND THE KIDS THIS CHRISTMAS.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) GOOD FOR TIME.
I JUST WANT TO TAKE A SECOND TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT THIS GUY.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) THIS GUY TOOK THIS PHOTO IN
JUNE.
AND THIS GUY LEFT A LITTLE SOMETHING UNDER THE TREE FOR HIS
WIFE.
DIVORCE PAPERS.
OH AND (BLEEP).
( APPLAUSE ) STILL WITH ME?
I WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT THIS GUY.
YOU ONLY LIGHT THE MENORAH FOR EIGHT DAYS, THIS GUY GETS LIT
FOR TEN.
( APPLAUSE ) THERE IS ANOTHER THING ABOUT
THIS GUY.
THIS GUY DOESN'T CARE WHAT MEL GIBSON SAID, HE'S STILL GOING TO
SEE "DADDY'S HOME TWO."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> STYLES: THAT WAS "DOGS I N
SUNGLASSES."
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JOEL EDGERTON, JANE KRAKOWSKI, AND
OWEN WILSON!