(upbeat music)
- What?
- You what?
- What's wrong?
- On a scale from one to Pharrell, how happy do they look?
- Pretty Pharrell.
- God damnit.
Just got back from Kelsey's bi-annual bisexual barbecue.
- Thought that was last week.
- No you're thinking of the pansexual potluck.
Or the gay brunch rave.
Anyways.
(funky party music)
- Okay, just because you were a bartender for a summer
at TGI Friday's, a bartender you do not make.
- Fuck off.
- I'm brilliant.
- Well, looks like two of my Eskimo sisters
just became an igloo.
Awesome.
- Oh yeah, you dated like everyone.
- Hope you two sociopaths have fun
ruining each other's lives.
Two of my exes being so PDA on the same deck I stained
with my God damn bare hands.
- I can't even imagine.
That's something straighties don't really have to deal with.
- Man, I'd kill to go to a straight party for once.
- My buddy Paco throws this really sick party
every Sunday in this abandoned warehouse.
- Yeah, on second thought, I'm good.
- You don't have to be straight, it's just like...
Straight.
- Why are you here?
- I'm always here.
Oh you guys, I've actually been meaning to ask you,
where do we put the broken dishes?
- Chris?
(whispers indistinctly)
You can go out.
Go outside.
- Anyway, so I was working for Shawn today--
- Dude, wait a minute.
- What?
- I wasn't finished telling my story.
You always do this.
You always interrupt me in all my stories,
and I don't get to finish.
- No, let him finish this.
I love Shawn.
- Yeah, I mean...
So, I was assisting him on his weekly shopping trip...
(funky music)
- Everybody knows that I'm rich.
Dude, you get the caps already?
- Yeah, twice.
- So that's it?
Shopping's over?
- I mean, unless you wanna go to the Baby Swag.
- Yeah, let's go Baby Swag.
Take my car.
Take $2,000 out okay?
If that's the max.
If it's $3,000, take $3,000 out.
Take 200 (mumbles).
Oh yeah, my PIN is my birth year.
1992.
- 1992?
I mean, son has millions of dollars
and hundreds of thousand followers on Clapchat,
and he's younger than me?
- They do say followers are worth more than money now.
- Okay, so I'm at the barbecue looking around,
suddenly feeling very alone.
They look actually happy together.
- Might be hard to believe but women are capable
of finding happiness without you.
Plus, you don't wanna be with either of them.
- Yeah, you're right.
Like, Sidney was super weird when her cousin Rebecca
came in from Europe.
They were like very flirty, it was weird.
- No, I meant because of your flings
and short-lived disasters.
- That's my reputation?
- You're like the John Mayer of lesbians.
You know, sowing your seed.
- No, I got the reference.
- Whoa, dude.
No.
- What?
- Look, John, I love your music.
I will go to your concerts, but I'm not really like
doing the whole, "I'm sad so I fuck," thing.
- No, I wasn't trying to...
- We're just friends, girl.
- No, I...
- We're just friends.
We're just friends.
(soft acoustic music)
- Are we really shopping a baby--
- What'd you name your first kid?
- I don't have a kid.
- Well I don't either.
(sigh) I haven't got the right women.
Thought I did, but turned out to be a total bitch.
- Yeah, I know.
You talk about that a lot.
- Hypothetically speaking, what would you
name your first kid?
- Maybe like...
- I feel like you'd name your kid Gavin or Tyler.
Maybe even a Chris, no offense.
I'd name my first son Darris.
Or 5,000, something cool.
Be married by 28, two kids by 30.
Sell my second business by 31.
Divorce by 33.
- He said he has a five-year plan.
I don't know what that means.
- Am I crazy or does this look like a new apartment to you?
- Yeah.
She probably has new job.
- Fuck, dude.
- A job that gives you new money, a startup.
- I bet they moved in together.
- An expression of herself.
- Made a commitment, stupid commitments.
- Stupid social media.
- Stupid Paco.
- Hey you guys wanna make--?
- Vision boards?
- I was gonna say up a choreographed dance.
- Oh.
- But yeah, vision boards work.
(hip hop music)
- What were we doing again?
- Why do I have this glue in my hand?
- [Both] Oh yeah!
(trippy Indian music)
(heavy bass music)
- So, this is an anatomical heart that I got
out of a science journal to remind myself to
open myself up to the possibility of true love.
- Is that a steak?
- Yes, but it's cooked medium rare.
It's like a metaphor to show me that I can't
overcook myself with emotionless sex.
- It's a stretch.
- I wrote this down somewhere.
- [Chris] What are these women?
- They're just so fucking happy.
Imagine being that happy and free that lettuce excites you.
I don't know, it's kinda more the feeling I get
than it actually making sense.
- Lettuce get excited.
- I don't get it.
- Lettuce get excited.
- I still don't get it.
What's yours?
- Okay, look out!
It's the new me.
- Are you standing on a landfill?
- No, I'm overlooking my progress, because here...
All my past devices.
I've been focusing so much on finding true love,
or focusing on other people.
But now, I've learned in order to be a successful adult,
you have to be wealthy right here.
With money.
- Oh.
- And on the internet.
(claps)
Hello, (mumbles).
From now on, excuse me?
Hold please.
It's all business.
- What kind of a business?
- I'm gonna create apps, and I'm gonna have
my own personal aesthetic.
- I don't think you can just create apps.
- Worked for Shawn.
- Yeah, but Shawn went to Stanford for computer engineer.
- There are plenty of ways to the top.
- This is my vision board.
This is me living in my van, and it's in your driveway.
- That's your life now.
- Actually, no, cuz in this life I have a boom box,
so I get to fulfill all my dreams.
- Okay, do you realize you could be anything
on these vision boards?
- Yeah, like you could have like a happy,
fulfilling relationship.
- Oh no, I like being me.
And honestly, I think comparing our normal lives
to people's social media highlight reels is really
dangerous and unhealthy.
- [Both] Five, six, seven, eight.
- One, two, three.
(upbeat music)
All right, one more, one more time.
What are we doing with that?
Here we go.
And five, six, seven, eight.