Dimelo mi gente linda!
What’s up? Welcome back to our sketch comedy show
Go Off!
- I’m Julissa Calderon - And I’m Jessica Marie Garcia.
And this is our season finale!
Listen, I can't believe it is the season finale.
What even is time?
Girl, somehow 2022 is only weeks away
and I'm still processing the phase of 2020
when we were cutting our own bangs.
- Not the bayangs, the bayangs. - The bayangs!
I feel you, though I don't know how we got here so quick...
But we've had so much fun bringing y’all sketches this season.
Yo, the most fun.
And since it's the holiday season, we've got some Christmas
goodies for you in the finale episode, plus a whole bunch of guests.
But let's channel the drama today because it's time to...
Go off!
OK, to everyone nostalgic
for a little holiday mess, get into this dysfunctional Nochebuena dinner.
Truly, nothing makes me choose violence like my tios after far too many coquitos...
Welcome!
Hey.
I’m so glad you’re here.
Nochebuena, bitches!!!
Is it just us this Nochebuena?
The decorations are kind of lacking, no?
What up, Tio Cesar!
You’re looking especially “E-thpanish” as always.
Looks like you’ve started the party early.
Sho’nuff.
Oh, let’s tell them, let’s tell them.
Oh hey, everybody.
I think we should hold off on the presents...
What are you talking about?
Because, we have some crazy news...
You’re pregnant??
What?
No, do I look pregnant?
What? No, you look fire.
I've been pounding coquito!
Everyone, I’ve got good news, too.
Wait, wait, we haven't said our thing yet.
OK.
Everyone...
We're going vegan!
What?
What did you just say?
We're going vegan...
We should eat, right?
The table is ready, I can bring more appeti--
Which one of you chicks is pregnant?
Hey, don’t--
What the fuck, Tio?
Neither of us is pregnant, damn.
Yeah, we're really going vegan.
Yeah, just cutting out meat and dairy and stuff.
See, now there’s no need to smuggle Jamon Iberico
into the country anymore, huh?
Oh Jesus...
What?
Everyone knows you do it.
I’m so happy with the decision you made.
I think this thing you’ve decided to do is wrong.
It goes against God’s rules.
Well, technically,
biologically,
we weren't made to drink milk
or cheese
or, like, meats
because of our--
how our intestines,
and how
God made us.
I read it in an article.
Julissa tell them about the article I read...
Oh yeah, like, um,
like Beyond Meat,
Im-Impossible Meat,
that's another one...
-The other, other meat... -Yeah.
And there's like cashew and...
-And... oat milk. -Oat milk.
White people do it all the time.
You can spread around all of your perversions
and your deviations,
and we’re supposed to just sit here and take it?
See! I knew they wouldn’t understand!
Why aren’t you guys more supportive?
Every major city supports a vegan lifestyle!
Except maybe Chicago.
And you wonder why I went to Chicago to study--
We're even going to start a new Instagram account about it:
“The Twisted Turn-up!”
“Twisted?”
Hey cuz,
I know you suggested “The Tasty Turn Up,”
but
“twisted” sounds sexier.
That’s not normal.
It’s disgusting.
No, no, no, no, no.
“Turn Up” like turnip.
Damn!
We’re just brainstorming!
You’re a Lazcano!
And like it or not,
you’re going to respect it.
Not until you respect the animals.
And Chema,
why are you acting all shocked?
Chema’s gluten free, everybody!
Huuuuhhhh!
I’m not hurting anybody.
Repeat what you just said.
You want me to say it again?
Why do you think he only eats corn tortillas?
Exactly!
- Woah, damn! - Dios mio!
Oh, my God.
Hey! Calm down Cesar. Enough.
Tio, why are you mad?
Isn't that Gluten-Free cookbook in the kitchen yours?
-Okay, enough! -Deny it!
Deny it!
...It’s yours?
No.
No?
It’s right there!
“Sin Palabras: Gluten Free Cooking That Leaves You Speechless.”
I see it...
Exactly...
“Sin Palabras.”
Hi, Tia?
Um, quick question:
Did you happen to get the text about the Jackfruit...
...pozole...?
No? OK, OK.
This side of the family gets so dramatic.
Next year?
Let’s do Dad’s side.
Yeah...
Listen, you know it wouldn't be Christmas without some
ho ho hos coming out of the woodworks and trying to slide back into your life.
Fuckboys take no holidays off.
I swear these men be doing too much.
I don't need to get a “Merry Christmas,” “I miss you,”
“Feliz Navidad,” “Tell your mom I say hello.”
“What’re y’all cooking this year?” “Don't worry,
you don't need to reply” text from someone who's Feliz Navi-dead to me.
Oh, I love that.
Now, if you too are being haunted by the
fuck boys of Christmas past, you might like this Christmas Carol.
Hmm. Hmm, hmm. Hmm. Hmm.
- Oh, that was a little too real. - A lot, a lot real.
We all just trying to find love like in those Christmas rom com movies.
You know where a career woman who’s too busy to date
finds romance with a prince who time travels
through the magic of Christmas to a cute small town,
and then they help save a struggling family small business
to learn what the holiday spirit is all about.
God Damn.
There's just something about a cheesy Christmas movie that sparks
joy, which got us thinking:
Who comes up with these Christmas movie ideas?
Here's a sneak peek at how the magic happens.
Oh!
Hit it!
All right, ladies.
Thank you so much for being here.
Not only is the Christmas rom-com
always a box office favorite for us,
but we're looking to put a fresh,
new spin on important issues
that audiences really care about.
Helen--
you're going to love what I have for you today.
-Oh, great. -It's an honor to pitch for you, Helen.
Great.
Let's get started.
How about, uh, Rose, would you like to start?
OK!
(cinematic music plays)
A newspaper magnate learns the meaning of life
with a visit from his childhood sled--
on Christmas.
We film it in black and white.
It's called:
“Citizen Candy Cane.”
I--
I love it.
I mean, it is exactly what we're looking for.
You know, it's a fresh take on Christmas...
OK? Charlotte, what do you got?
Yeah, totally. OK.
(“Silent Night” plays)
A female Supreme Court clerk
intervenes with an immigration case
to save a family
from being deported
just in time...
for Christmas.
- Right? - Huh?
Uh, well...
I--I don't really get it.
OK. Yeah. No. What part?
What do you mean?
Is it like “A Few Good Men” on, on, on Christmas?
You know, I'm having a hard time really seeing it.
I hear you totally, totally understand.
But no,
I don't think you can see it because it's a completely
new idea.
Like what you had, had said earlier.
Right?
Right, right. OK?
Why don't we hear another pitch from Rose?
(sweeping epic music plays)
Two lovers,
one rich, one poor,
fall in love on an ocean liner
that crashes
into an iceberg.
Ocean liner that crashes into an iceberg...
On Christmas.
“Merry Ice To Meet You.”
Extraordinary!
That is so, so fresh and--
that is truly the message of Christmas.
Uh...
You know,
it kind of sounds like the Titanic.
-Am I... crazy? -Yeah, but on Christmas.
OK, um?
Was it Charlotte?
Why don't we give that another go?
Yeah, no, totally.
All right. All right. OK.
(“Silent Night” plays)
A whip smart female archeologist--
women empowerment--
visit the site of the resurrection,
where she meets
a handsome guide
who helps her discover
the meaning...
of love.
Right?
Oh, that's it, I'm I'm sorry.
I-I’m just--
What does that have to do with Christmas?
Well, you know,
the Jesus part --
The “Jesus” part, OK?
I'm so embarrassed.
I also brought in an archeologist pitch.
-Oh no, no, please go ahead. -I didn’t know, Charlotte!
Please, something that's better than that.
(cinematic score swells)
OK. Two archeologists
fall in love while visiting the North Pole--
where dinosaurs have escaped
from a new theme park.
...On Christmas.
We call it:
“Jurassic Parka!”
“Jurassic Parka!” That is incredible!
ok, ok If you like that,
how about:
(“Silent Night plays)
“Fa, la la la la-llow Me Beyond The Glass Ceiling”
A triumphant tale, again,
of a woman
who stands--
OK, Charlotte?
Yeah?
How did you become the VP of comedy?
Oh, uh,
I'm the VP of drama.
Oh, that makes sense... (hip-hop music plays)
A drama
about a group of car thieves
that fall in love
while being visited by the ghost of car chase past.
Helen,
“The Past and the Curious!”
There could be like ten of these.
Nothing says Christmas like a franchise!!
I just, I'm sorry.
In the beginning, did you say you wanted fresh ideas?
No, no, no.
Of course we do.
We just want a new, fresh idea
that we already know will work.
-I have another, if I may?
-By all means, please. (“Dance Of The Sugar Plum Fairy” plays)
A young boy is left at home by his family on his favorite holiday
and has to fight off a pair of bumbling robbers.
OK, that's great.
But um,
“Home Alone” is already set on Christmas.
That's already a movie!
Charlotte, Helen, Charlotte, Helen--
Here, the kid is left alone on:
Martin Luther King Day.
(“Amazing Grace” plays)
It's called:
“I Have a Dream of Being Left Home Alone!”
Historical relevance.
Cultural awareness.
Market share expansion!
Rose, I love you more than my own flippin daughter!
Thank you so much, Helen.
OK, I think I get what we're going for here.
I'm getting it. I'm getting it. OK? OK.
Let’s hope...
OK. All right. (“Silent Night” plays)
“Twelve Years A Sleigh!”
Oh my God, no.
I just thought,
absolutely not.
But --
Please leave.
I'm so sorry.
Stop.
I'm so sorry.
I'm really sorry.
Ashley, get security.
You don't have to do that.
Five-two.
Latina.
Bob.
That's our show y’all!
Thank you so much for laughing with us this season.
Wait, wait, wait, before we say farewell, I want to give a very special
congratulations to my co-host and friend
on her own little gift under the tree.
I am so, so happy for you congratulations!
Thank you.
This is why we forced everyone to film us
from the waist up.
Listen, we having a baby y’all!
- Our first Go Off, baby! - The first Go Off, baby!
And thank you to all the guests who came through to join us.
You all were amazing.
So amazing. We are wishing you and yours
Happy holidays filled with blessings and all the good things.
- And all the consensual sex. - Yeah, that too.
We want that.
Till next time.
- You ready? - I’m ready.
Go off!
Get out!
Like the movie? ‘Cause we can do something like--
Stop talking.
I’m so sorry.
-Silencio. -I’m really sorry.
-Security? -Ok, I’m really--you don’t have to do that.