(rockabilly music) - Welcome to Bless Your Rank.
My name is Matt.
Get your PJs on, turn on the cartoons,
because we are ranking cereals.
(smacks)
Here's what we're looking for on Bless Your Rank today,
the criteria for the cereals.
Number one, taste.
Number two, this is very important,
and an underrated quality in cereal,
how does it leave the milk?
I don't want it to taste like milk anymore.
(yells)
Third Bless Your Rank criteria today is
the structural integrity of the cereal.
We don't want it to get super-soggy right away,
so after we rank them,
it's possible that things might move around.
I don't know, things can get kind of crazy here.
Our first competitor is Froot Loops.
Fruit is misspelled on here.
I don't have a type of cereal that is like,
oh that's my go-to, I eat it every time.
I am very much a free agent.
Toucan Sam looks like he will whisk me away
on a beautiful weekend adventure on his yacht.
I will have so many great Instagram photos
come out of that trip.
There's a free character inside.
Frankly they just don't put prizes in cereal anymore.
I don't know what happened.
When I was a kid, there was always a prize
in a box of cereal.
Ever open up one of these too hard?
Like in the morning you can't see,
got the sleepy stuff in your eyes,
and you just go to rip it open,
and cereal goes everywhere?
Next thing you know, you're lickin' them off the floor.
First thoughts, oh my God,
the smell of Froot Loops is amazing.
They should make car air fresheners with this.
You know what I like is when you finish a bowl of cereal,
and you got just enough milk in there you're like, yeah,
return trip to the cereal box,
and so you add just a little bit more on top of it
to finish off that milk.
You messed it up, and you've got more cereal
than you do milk, so you gotta go back,
and you gotta add more milk, and long story short,
that's why I'm fat.
I'm gonna eat it with a giant spoon because why not?
Froot Loops are so good.
This spoon is so big.
I really like Froot Loops.
Do they taste like fruit?
No, they don't.
Do they taste like F-R-O-O-T?
Absolutely.
You would think all right, this is Froot Loops,
this has to be like banana.
Nope, sugar. If you know anyone that says,
"I can taste the individual fruit flavors in Froot Loops,"
they are as high as a kite.
This tastes like childhood.
This tastes like little Matt sitting in front of the TV,
watching "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" in the morning.
Uh, I want to find the prize.
This is a prize?
It's a piece of cardboard.
Well, you're in first place,
even though you punked me like that.
That's not even, that's not a prize.
You just gave me more trash to throw away.
Competitor number two, Lucky Charms.
You'll never get me Lucky Charms.
Isn't that what he says?
Is that what the little leprechaun man says?
Marshmallows!
(yells)
The cereal outside of the marshmallows tastes
like dry dog food. What does that look like to you?
Does that look like a unicorn to you?
This looks like Jar Jar Binks has painted himself up
for Lollapalooza.
Someone is on an acid trip watching Star Wars right now.
This is what Jar Jar Binks looks like.
That's okay.
Each bite you take can be drastically different
from the last depending on how many marshmallows landed
in your spoon.
It's no secret.
Yeah, you add marshmallows to something, and it gets better.
Milk taste, it makes it a little bit sweeter.
It's an okay cereal.
I don't think it's a top-tier cereal.
It's in second place.
Cereal number three is Pops, Corn Pops.
I have not had a bowl of Corn Pops in I don't know when.
I mean I guess maybe as a child,
but I don't think I've ever bought this cereal
as an adult.
There's nothing entertaining to me or enticing about this.
Kind of look like Bucky's Nuggets,
like Junior Bucky's Nuggets.
Are we sure that these aren't just like the reject pieces?
This is when they clean the machines
at the cereal factory after they make all the other cereals,
they form them.
Someone just rolls them into little balls,
and they make Corn Pops.
It's like some of them are crunchy,
and some of them just give up.
When does the pop happen?
Corn doesn't pop.
Popcorn?
This isn't popcorn.
I feel like Corn Pops is in this weird phase of life,
like there's just not enough going on there.
It's just bland, but it's also not healthy enough
to be like an adult cereal,
so I don't really know who this is intended for.
Producers are telling me to go to the bottom
of the bowl of Pops.
That's where the best experience is to be had.
Now they're just slimy.
The milk test?
It's not bad.
It's just like what's so great about this?
I'm just kind of indifferent about it.
This, to me, represents the state of Nebraska.
Sometimes I forget that it exists.
Would I like to go there?
No.
Yeah, Pops currently in third place.
Contestant number four is,
this box is heavy.
Grape Nuts.
I should stop here and say that we chose these cereals
based on recommendations from our Facebook supporters.
We asked them to tell us their top three cereals,
and somehow, defying all logic,
Grape Nuts made the cut.
I feel like I should have a prescription to eat this.
I do appreciate this,
that Grape Nuts is just coming right out and showing you
from the front of the box and the back of the box like,
yeah you should definitely add something to this cereal,
because by itself it's gonna suck.
(groans)
Remember that SNL sketch, Colon Blow?
This is Colon Blow.
27% above the legal limit of fiber, is what it says.
It's like a bowl of gravel.
Honestly I feel like I'm about to mix up a bag of Quikrete.
Can you hear the sound that makes?
You hear that sound?
I'm like getting ready,
like I'm paving somebody's driveway.
Back that truck up a little bit.
(back up beeps) Hand me that shovel.
I'm almost done here.
It looks like somebody ate another cereal,
and then spit it back out.
It won't stop being crunchy.
I feel like I'm eating aquarium rocks right now.
(yells)
It started to set, and now it is...
Gonna need a new spoon.
There's not the slightest hint of grape.
Is this supposed to have like a grape taste to it?
What's the serving suggestion in this?
10, oh God.
Yeah, this will kill you.
You might as well just go ahead and park yourself
on the toilet.
Milk taste, I don't know,
because the Grape Nuts absorbed the milk.
Anybody want to put their hand print in it,
you know, forever, memories?
You could build a house on that right now.
It's in fourth place.
Competitor number five is Cap'n Crunch.
Uh, nothing will destroy the roof of your mouth faster.
It is very good, though.
I don't get tired of it.
That's a good cereal.
I forgot how good Cap'n Crunch is.
Why I like Cap'n Cruch is like they nailed it,
they figured out this is the perfect cereal,
and we don't need any gimmicks,
and they got a great cereal mascot here.
Let's get a milk taste.
I mean it's not doing that much.
It's just adding a lot of sugar to the milk.
(gags)
I think that it is definitely better than
depression-era cereal, Pops, Lucky Charms,
and it's better than Froot Loops.
Cap'n Crunch is in first place.
Contestant number six is Cheerios.
Cheerios is what the supporters said.
They did not specify Honey Nut Cheerios,
which is the superior form of Cheerios,
I think we can all agree.
This is what you give little children,
and they're apparently gluten-free,
which means they taste bad.
They'll puff up.
Snow came up there when I opened up the Cheerios.
You know the last cereal that did that was Grape Nuts.
There's nothing fun about this cereal.
A Matt tip for you.
If the box of cereal features the bowl of cereal
on the front and they've added fruit to it,
that means by itself that cereal is trash.
This looks depressing.
These are like tasteless.
This is like recycled cereal is what this tastes like.
Looks like recycled packaging.
It's not disgusting like Grape Nuts.
As a little kid, you don't want to sit down
with a bowl full of these Cheerios in front of the TV
and watch cartoons.
Milk, uh, amazingly tastes just like milk.
Is there even any sugar in this?
One gram.
In con--
In conclu--
In conclusion, plain Cheerios, such as these,
are not that great.
Not better than that, not better than that,
not better than Lucky Charms, not better than Pops.
Contestant number seven.
Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
Mm-mmm, real cinnamon,
as opposed to phony cinnamon that exists in some cereals.
Parkour. (laughs)
Skills, nailed it.
Oh, that's a good cereal smell.
That's like Froot Loops.
This is a good smell.
This smells like Christmas cookies.
Could I eat a mixing bowl full of it?
Yeah, I absolutely could, no doubt about it.
This is a three (mumbles) here.
You can just tell looking at it the milk has gotten better.
It's just full of cinnamon now.
It's cinnamon milk.
Yeah, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is a great cereal.
I don't have anything negative to say about it.
Oh, that milk is gettin' good too.
I think right now, pre-structural integrity test,
with Cinnamon Test Crunch.
Is in first place.
But now comes the big test,
the twist ending here on this very special episode
of Bless Your Rank,
how did the cereals hold up in the milk?
Starting with Froot Loops.
Froot Loops, when they get soggy, they get much worse,
and now they're just slimy.
Yeah, I think they kind of moved down
in the ranking a little bit.
Depending on how Lucky Charms held up.
The marshmallow disintegrated in my mouth.
All of it's disintegrating in my mouth.
I was gonna move Froot Loops down,
but I don't know if I should do that.
Corn Pops.
No, nope, what's next?
- [Producer] Grape Nuts.
- Nah.
This bowl's heavier than it was earlier.
Cap'n Crunch is becoming like a paste.
It's forming one giant Cap'N Crunch piece,
and I like it.
And Cheerios...
I think they absorbed all the milk too.
Why would anyone eat this?
Structural integrity, yeah, it's still,
unfortunately is a Cheerio.
This is still like, yeah,
this is becoming just the mush.
Structural integrity-wise,
they all kind of broke down at the same rate,
for like these four.
These two defied all, like, cereal logic.
Somehow Grape Nuts got worse,
and is legitimately inedible now.
Cheerios are still unfortunately plain Cheerios.
Corn Pops are okay.
Lucky Charms, okay.
The first few bites, pretty good,
as long as you got some marshmallows on your spoon.
Froot Loops, a great cereal, but not the best,
because it's not better than Cap'N Crunch.
The best cereal that you can find, though,
is right here in this bowl,
and it's called Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
(cheers)
How are you supposed to lick...
(gags)
Uh, that's not something you want to do on the internet.