Clannad is a show most known for being, in a word, crybait.
Meaning, its seeming sole purpose is to present opportunities for you to cry your heart out.
And as a show that seeks to do this, there are any number of given moments that one could
point to that are emotionally striking.
However, there is one episode in particular, or rather, one scene in that one episode that
everyone seems to point to.
It’s even earned itself a name—the “Field of Feels.”
The strange thing, though, is that by the time I got around to that part of the episode,
I was already in the midst of an uncontrollable sob that had started way earlier (in fact,
it happened again rewatching this episode for this video).
At first I thought my experience was typical, but when I asked around I found a surprising
amount of variety when it came to what resonated with people the most.
For many it was the episode’s climax, in the infamous aforementioned field.
For some it was the end, when Okazaki begins to allow himself to reminisce about Nagisa.
But really, not many people identified with what hit me the most.
So I asked myself, what was it about essentially exposition that connected with me so much
that I ran out of tissues and had to switch to paper towels?
I think it’s sacrifice.
After Nagisa’s death, Tomoya is obviously affected.
He’s spent a large portion of his life devoted to the idea of protecting her—they were
supposed to raise Ushio *together*, not him alone.
Faced with this drastic change of plans, he goes off the deep-end—he wallows in self-pity
and distracts himself from his grief through smoking, drinking, and gambling.
Now, considering he essentially dumped off his child to parents who were grieving their
own child, it’s hard to give him the benefit of the doubt.
But while his actions aren’t justifiable, I think they’re understandable.
Losing someone is *hard*.
Raising a child on your own is *hard*, especially when your reason for wanting a child in the
first place has been ripped away from you.
But his demeanor and approach completely change after speaking with his grandmother.
I think at times it can be easy to take our parents for granted, and forget their own
humanity.
It’s like seeing your teacher out and about at the grocery store—wait, they exist outside
of campus, they don’t just vanish when I leave?
Okazaki learns that he and his father share much more in common than he thought.
They both married young.
They both experienced dismal tragic events.
They both were confronted with the stark realization that they now faced parenting alone.
However, Naoyuki Okazaki comes to a different conclusion.
He sets aside his grief, his ambitions, and really almost his sense of self.
His singular goal becomes to shepherd Tomoya into adulthood as best he can.
The problem with this is that you can’t selectively numb emotions.
Researcher Brene Brown says it best, “If we numb the dark, we numb the light.
If we take the edge off pain and discomfort, we are, by default, taking the edge off joy,
love, belonging, and the other emotions that give meaning to our lives.”
This is the cause of teenage Okazaki’s disdain towards his father, the fact that he always
treated him as if he was an acquaintance.
Adult Okazaki learns now that if anything it was evidence of his father’s pain.
He remembers the drunken beatings, but speaking to his grandmother he also begins to remember
other things.
The fact that his father often bought him toys and snacks despite having little money.
The fact that despite constantly working, he carved out time for Tomoya—going on walks,
holding hands.
Don’t get me wrong, Naoyuki Okazaki did plenty of bad things.
His own mother calls him weak, pathetic, and clumsy.
But, giving everything you have in spite of those shortcomings and failures, and expecting
nothing in return.
Isn’t that what it means to be a parent?
Seeing the easy route, and taking the more difficult path?
After this conversation, Tomoya decides to take the harder path.
Instead of trying to avoid his grief, numbing not only his pain but his capacity to love,
he wakes up to a simple fact.
Children are naturally not manipulative or duplicitous, in fact they’re pretty lousy
at it.
They are earnest to a fault.
Part of why the field of feels resonates with so many people is because they get to watch
Tomoya come to this realization—that just like how his father’s little actions mean
so much now, to a child, the smallest thing can mean the world.
Like the first ever gift they received from their dad.
It just took him a little while to get out of his head enough to see that.
The next episode, while visiting Naoyuki, Tomoya has a memory that’s reminiscent of
my own father.
It’s his dad consoling him, apologizing for having to leave him alone.
He tells him he promises he’ll cook dinner when he gets back, and they can eat it together.
Many of you already know, but my family has never been in the best of financial straits.
When I was younger, my dad often went to work before my sister and I went to school, and
came back long after we had already gotten home.
But, no matter how long it took, or how tired we were, we always had dinner together.
It was nonnegotiable.
It fascinated me that other family’s ‘normal’ dinner time was around 6, since ours was always
9, or even sometimes 11.
But that was okay.
We were happy to stay up.
Then, as Tomoya is saying goodbye to his father, another fact of parenthood reveals itself.
Naoyuki wonders why Tomoya is starting to cry, and almost instinctively pats his head
just as he had pat Ushio’s moments earlier.
I guess no matter how old you are, you are your father’s child.
Thank you dad, for all the sacrifices.
Happy father’s day.
Thanks for watching!
Clannad has a lot of problems, but I still think it’s one of the most moving and accurate
portrayals of what it means to be a parent, and that’s why it holds a special place
in my heart.
I can only hope I take its lessons to heart if or when I myself become a parent.
From all its characters.
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Special thanks to Talunny, Pompoms, JawBurster, Jorge Pothead, SnakeTamer632, Teddy Herzivelt,
Dimestuck, and Your legs are sore for their support.
And of course, if anything I said was wrong, I’m sorry.
I must’ve stuttered.