-Well, for those of you keeping track at home,
the president's friends are Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong-Un,
and his enemies are Playboy bunnies and Joe Biden.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Did you hear about this?
First Joe Biden said that he would have beaten up Trump
in high school.
[ Laughter ]
Then Trump tweeted that he'd beat Biden in a fight
and Biden would go down fast and hard.
[ Laughter ]
And women everywhere said thank God we didn't elect
an emotional woman to lead our country.
[ Laughter ]
Now we have this to deal with. [ Cheers and applause ]
That's right.
Even though they're both in their 70s,
Biden and Trump are talking about fighting.
[ Laughter ]
Experts say the match would go nine rounds
with 10 bathroom breaks. -Ho!
[ Laughter and applause ]
-It's crazy.
Biden and Trump are threatening to beat each other up.
It got even weirder when Bernie Sanders
ripped off his shirt and yelled, "Tag me in, let's do this thing!
Come at me, bro!" [ Laughter and applause ]
Come at me, bro.
Straight after Biden brought up the idea of fighting Trump,
the president sent this tweet, and this is real.
He said, "Crazy Joe Biden is trying to act like a tough guy.
He doesn't know me,
but he would go down fast and hard, crying all the way."
[ Laughter ] Wow.
Then Biden actually replied.
He said, "White House, bike racks, 3:00, be there!"
[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]
Then Trump said, "Uh, I can't.
I told my dad I'd wash the car at 3:00."
Then Biden said, "No way, you can't back out! No backsies!"
And then Trump said, "No backsies, infinity!"
[ Laughter ]
Hopefully they can work it out.
Some tech news.
I saw that since Facebook's data breach,
a lot of users have deleted their accounts.
Which is tough, because now they come over to your house
to show you pictures of their kids in person.
And you're like, "Yeah, that's great. Like, like, like."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Last night Mark Zuckerberg said
he's focused on rebuilding trust.
Facebook users said that lying is unacceptable.
Then went back to RSVP'ing "yes" to events they'll never go to.
It's like, uh, maybe?
Listen to this.
Marvel is calling the upcoming film, "Avengers: Infinity War"
the most ambitious crossover ever.
Though, I'm pretty sure the most ambitious crossover ever
is actually President Trump's hair.
I mean, it starts here, and it's like --
[ Cheers and applause ]
I told you, I think he uses a Dyson Airblade.
-Does he really? -Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
I saw that Toys "R" Us
is having a giant "going out of business" sale.
[ Audience aws ]
So you can either go to the store today and pay half price
or pay nothing at the Dumpster behind the store tomorrow.
It's up to you.
You make your plans. I don't make plans.
I heard about a man in Arizona who called the police,
asking if the dinosaur decorations in his local park
were real dinosaurs.
The cops said no,
but the mushrooms you ate were definitely real, so...
[ Laughter ]
Sit down, maybe.
Finally, you guys, Easter is coming up,
and a lot of people are getting ready for the big holiday.
So we went down to the NBC Plaza
to ask people about their Easter plans.
The only catch is,
they all had to answer with a mouthful of Peeps.
I'll show you what I mean in another installment of
"Where My Peeps At?" Here we go.
♪♪ -Where my Peeps at, ooh ♪♪
-What are your plans for Easter?
-I'm going to my mother's.
My mother's house.
-[ Mumbling ]
-What was that last part?
-[ Mumbling ]
-Do you really want to know?
I have to get a colonoscopy.
[ Laughter ]
-Eat Peeps. [ Laughter ]
Eat Peeps.
-We've got a great show tonight!
Give it up for the Roots, everybody!