- So I start eating the burger...
[audience groaning and laughing]
While I'm taking a shit. - Aah!
- And--yes-- and then I realize--
Someone was really disgusted by that.
They're like, "Aah!" [laughter]
I guess we're not fucking tonight.
Um... [laughs]
[dark electronic music]
♪
[cheers and applause]
- Welcome to "This Is Not Happening"!
I'm your host, Ari Shaffir.
Tonight all the stories are about disasters.
[cheers and applause]
Please give it up for Ms. Nicole Byer, everybody.
[cheers and applause]
- I love drinking!
[cheers and applause] Yes!
[scoffs] And my friend Marcy--
she likes to be like, "Nicole, you might be an alcoholic."
And I'm like, "No." [giggles]
"No, I make it to work on time."
I feel like alcoholics-- they're just fucking shit up,
and I'm doing good.
I'm here on time, you know?
And, uh, I like drinking
because it's like a real adventure.
I love going on adventures.
I like getting into cars with strangers.
It's fun. You never know what you're gonna get.
I've made several friends get in cars with people we didn't know,
and they're like, "Is this your friend?"
I'm like, "No. Yay!"
One time I met this man in a U-Haul.
I was like...
[silly voice] "Hey, you want to take me around?"
[normal voice] And he was like, "Okay."
So I get in the back of his U-Haul.
There's no seats. There's no seat belts.
There's nothing.
I'm just, like, bouncing around, just, like, loving my life.
And then I, like, call my roommate Jenny,
and I'm like, "Jenny, I got us a ride to the next bar."
She was like, "Cool."
And then she was like, "The fuck?"
[laughter]
But, like, Jenny also likes adventures.
So the two of us are just bouncing around in this U-Haul,
going around Manhattan.
It was great.
And then I was like, "Ooh, I'm hungry."
He's like, "Let's go to Ray's Pizza."
And I was like, "Okay."
So I get a slice of pizza.
[silly voice] And I'm like,
"Ooh, I can't wait to eat this pizza.
It's gonna be so good."
[normal voice] So, like, I go to take the first bite,
and I drop it, cheese side down.
And I was like, "No!"
[silly voice] "This is the worst thing
that's ever happened in my life!"
[normal voice] And Jenny's like,
"We'll get you another piece of pizza."
[silly voice] And I was like, "No, it's okay.
I'll take one for the team."
[normal voice] So I...
pick it up and just start eating it.
Let me tell you, it was the crunchiest piece of pizza
I've ever had in my life.
All of New York was in my mouth.
And I made it to work on time the next day,
'cause I'm not an alcoholic.
I went through a phase with my drinking
where I liked to get real drunk, but I also like to be clean.
So I would, like, black out and be like...
[silly voice] "Got to get in the shower."
[normal voice] So...
[laughter] I would, like--
[silly voice] Just soaping it up,
and I'm like, "This feels so good!"
[normal voice] It feels great, you guys,
to just be drunk, soaping your titties.
And, um... [laughter]
I knew my shower was over when I was out of the shower
on my back, like, just tumbling out and like...
[silly voice] "Okay, yeah, I guess I'm done.
Good call."
[normal voice] And...
one of these times I didn't fall out of the shower.
I just fell in the shower,
and I hit every single fixture going down.
It was like, thu--thu--thu--thunk!
And then I, like, passed out.
Oops.
[laughter]
And when I came to, I was in, like, this big pool of blood.
'Cause if you put, like, a drop of blood in water,
it looks like a lot.
But I guess I passed out, but it was so much.
[silly voice] I was like, "Oh, no, that's not good.
"This is not good. This is very bad.
It looks very, very bad."
[normal voice] And then I was trying to get the water down,
and I couldn't, and I was like...
[silly voice] "I got to get to work--I'll just leave it."
[normal voice] And I went to work with, like, an open chin.
And I was just, like, bleeding in the cab.
He's like, "You okay?" I'm like, "Just drive."
And nurses worked on the floor above us,
and they used our vending machines,
'cause they get hungry.
And, um...
I asked them--I was like, "Do I need stitches?"
And the woman was like, "No."
And then years later, I asked a doctor friend.
I was like, "Should I have gotten stitches?"
He was like, "Absolutely." So fuck that lady.
But, uh...
- Whoo!
- Someone whoo'd. Someone hates nurses back there.
She's like, "Yeah, fuck her."
[laughter]
So, like, there is a pool of, like, bloody water
in my bathtub still while I'm at work.
So I texted my roommate Evan.
I was like, "Evan, I murdered somebody."
And then he was like,
"What happened? What's going on?"
And I just didn't answer.
It was very funny to me.
[laughter]
It's still pretty funny to me.
Um, okay, this story is an adventure on a airplane.
So I was on a red-eye from L.A. to New York,
and I sit down, and I usually wear this necklace.
It's a giant nameplate necklace that says "Nicole."
My best friend got it for me.
The Brooklyn jeweler was like,
"Are you sure you want it that big?"
And she's like, "Yeah, I have a very tacky friend."
So she gets me this necklace. I'm sitting on the plane.
The flight attendant-- his name was Carlton.
I love him. He goes, "Oh, you must be Nicole."
And I was like, "Oh, my necklace."
And he's like, "Yes, but also,
I know you from that show 'The Girl Codes.'"
And I was like, "Oh, yeah, 'Girl Code,' cool."
And then he was like, "I got you,"
'cause I was sitting in coach.
Don't tell nobody. But, um...
So I'm in coach, and then he, like, hooks me up with a drink.
He's like, "What do you want?"
And I was like, "A vodka soda, please."
And he was like, "Okay, I got you, I got you, I got you."
And I was like, "Great."
And, uh, so he brings three
of those airplane bottles of vodka and a splash of soda.
And I was like, "Game on."
So... [coughs]
Sorry. I have a little bit of a cough.
I call it my athlete's cough,
'cause one time I played basketball,
and my body was like, "Stop."
[laughter]
So I drink those three bottles of vodka
and the splash of soda, and I was like, "Great."
Comes back around, he's like, "Do you want another?"
And I was like, "Absolutely. Let's do this."
So he brings three more, no soda, and I was like...
[silly voice] "Yeah, yeah, ooh, I like this."
[normal voice] Drink those. He comes back around.
He's like, "Do you want another?"
And I was like...
[silly voice] "I don't know how to say no," so...
[normal voice] So I drink nine
of those airplane bottles of vodka--
yeah, you know, that's, like, a drink and a half per bottle--
on a 4 1/2-hour flight.
I was so drunk.
[silly voice] I was like, "I know what I'll do.
I'll watch 'Back to the Future.'"
[normal voice] So...
I, uh--I watch "Back to the Future"
like I had never seen it before.
[silly voice] I was like, "DeLorean?
That's a lady's name."
[laughter]
[normal voice] It is. You go to the right hood.
You go, "Hey, DeLorean." She be like, "Hi, girl."
But, uh...
The guy next me was just like, "Shh."
And I was like, "You like Christopher Lloyd?"
And he was like, "What is wrong with you?"
So I was, like, knee-slapping.
I really enjoyed my time watching that movie.
I've literally seen it 100 times.
But we land at JFK, and I stumble off the plane,
say good-bye to my best friend Carlton.
He was like, "Bye, girl."
And, uh, I see Shake Shack is open.
Do you guys know what Shake Shack is?
- Whoo. - Fucking delicious.
So it's open at 7:00 a.m.
So I say to nobody...
[silly voice] "Jesus loves his little baby."
[normal voice] And then I, like, stumble up, and I order my food.
And the guy goes, "Oh, you must be Nicole,"
'cause he can read my necklace, and my response was,
"You know who I am 'cause I'm famous!"
[laughter]
Which is something famous people don't have to say.
So...
after I sufficiently terrorize this Shake Shack,
I take my burger, I'm walking to leave JFK,
and I was like, "Ooh, I got to pee."
So I go to the bathroom. I start peeing.
Let's get real. I'm taking a shit.
[laughter and applause]
Yeah, mm, planes are tight. Can't shit on a plane.
So I'm taking a shit, and I smell my burger,
and I'm like, "Ooh, it smells so good."
So I start eating the burger...
[audience groaning and laughing]
While I'm taking a shit. - Aah!
- And--yes-- and then I realize--
Someone was really disgusted by that.
They're like, "Aah!" [laughter]
I guess we're not fucking tonight.
Um... [laughs]
So I realize what I'm doing, so I start crying.
[laughter]
So now I'm crying, eating a burger, taking a shit.
[laughter] And I was like...
[silly voice] "I know what'll make me feel better.
I'll sing myself a song."
[normal voice] So I start singing
"Somewhere Over the Rainbow"
while I'm crying, eating a burger, taking a shit.
And then I look down and see a pair of feet.
And instead of just, like, shutting it down,
I knocked on the partition. I was like...
[silly voice] "Excuse me. I'm not normally like this."
[laughter]
[normal voice] And then the woman,
being a normal, human, adult woman,
said nothing.
So then I, like, start hearing other sounds
and realize there are dozens of women in this bathroom,
washing their hands, moving very slowly.
They're like, "I can't wait to see that monster,
you know, behind that door."
"Oh, yeah, girl, I'll definitely miss my flight
to see what's behind that door."
So I just said out loud to no one, I was like,
"Hey! I'm okay!"
[coughs, clears throat]
I think I'm pretty okay.
Oh, boy, let's tell another one, you guys.
So I got very, very drunk.
And I don't condone drunk driving.
It's not cool. It's not fun.
But I was so hungry.
So...
[laughter]
So I drunk-drove to Jack In The Box,
and instead of just, like, pulling up
to the thing you talk into,
I went straight to the window.
And I was like...
[silly voice] "Excuse me. Excuse me.
You give me all your French fries."
[normal voice] And then the lady was like,
"Yes, I'll give you an order of French fries."
I was like...
[silly voice] "Nah, give me the loose ones."
[laughter]
[normal voice] And she was like, "No, I'm gonna put them
in a order and give it to you."
And I was like...
[silly voice] "You know best."
[normal voice] And then she was like, "Stay here.
Don't drive to the next window."
So I drove to the next window,
and then she was running, and that was very funny to me.
And she hands me my French fries, and I go...
[silly voice] "Thank you.
Thank you for my babies."
[normal voice] I called these French fries my babies.
I then buckled them up in the passenger seat...
swerve, swerve home, get to my garage,
get out of my side,
open the door to let my babies out, and they fall on the floor.
And without skipping a beat, I was like, "Not my babies!"
[imitating chomping]
And in that moment, I was like, "Is this rock bottom?"
No, it wasn't.
You guys have been wonderful.
I'm Nicole Byer. [cheers and applause]