I'm just not where I should be I feel, as a 31-year-old.
I don't want a lot of things that girls my age want.
I don't want kids.
I do want a baby, though,
so it's like, ugh, you know?
'Cause that's--
they become that, and so...
Yeah, I do want a baby, but, like,
I feel like most women want babies,
and that's maybe why so many of us exist,
'cause babies are so cute, everyone wants one.
They're like the puppies of humans, I've heard.
I think a scientist said that once,
and, you know, it's like-- and that's all
you hear women say when they're gonna have kids.
They're like, "Oh, we're trying for a baby.
"Oh, we're gonna have a baby.
"We just had a baby. Baby."
And it's like, "Yeah, I know, but, like,
"eventually it's just gonna be some dude named Doug.
"You know that, right?
Like, it's just gonna be a guy."
Like, it's always "baby," but it's like,
it's a baby this much of the time you know it,
and then it's all Doug.
Like, it's just a-- no one's ever like,
"Oh, we're having a man."
[laughter]
That's what you should say.
Yeah, I don't want a Doug. I don't, um...
I'm not--I mean, I babysat for years,
'cause this family just never came home, but...
[laughter]
That was difficult. It's hard.
Babysitting is hard. It's like, "Ugh."
'Cause it's like you're a mother,
but you don't love them,
so it's, like, hard to care.
You know what I mean?
I--yeah, I just feel like I'm past my prime
to have kids a little bit.
Like, I feel like I should have done it in my teens.
Like, that would have been the best time.
It's like they discourage it almost exclusively,
but they shouldn't.
Like...if I had a baby now,
like, my parents couldn't help me at all.
They live in St. Louis. I'm in L.A.
Like, it would be too hard, but if--
if you're in high school and you have a kid,
like, you live with your mom and dad
or probably just your mom. Let's be honest.
Yeah, your dad probably split a while ago,
but your mom's there, you know?
She's hanging out, vaping,
watching "Dr. Phil," something like that.
Like, I feel like that's how she busies herself.
She can help. She can--
You could just hand the baby to her
and be like, "Here, Mom, try again.
"He's yours now.
"Yeah, you kind of fucked up the first time,
"since that's mine and I can't drive, so...
"Yeah, his name's Mulligan.
"I really feel like you can nail it this time
if you just, like, focus and stop playing the lottery."
I'd have it over with too.
If I had a baby when I was, like, 15,
she'd be 16 now, probably have a granddaughter on the way.
Like, that would be perfect for me.
I could handle life as a Nana, you know?
That's what I call my grandma, 'cause when I was little,
I couldn't pronounce "old bitch,"
so that's what I came up with, and that's...
No.
But, yeah, I don't want kids yet.
I don't want to get married.
It helps that my boyfriend doesn't want to marry me,
so that's like--
That's convenient.
For a while, he was like, "I don't want to get married
until gay people can get married."
And then I was like, "They can!"
He was like, "Yeah, I never thought
that would happen, so..."
I was like, "Oh, I thought that was weird
you were protesting all those times, so..."
He doesn't want to get marr-- I don't really c--
I don't need, like, a big reception.
I don't want a whole to-do.
I never want to have to slow-dance with my dad
in front of all of my friends.
Like, that seems--
like, that's something we do alone together,
and I don't want to ruin that.
Like, I feel--you know?
Thank you, yeah.
And, like, what if the band doesn't know Ginuwine's "Pony"?
Are we supposed to just, like, freestyle
to whatever they come up with?
That seems humiliating, you know?
Uh-uh.
I also don't like the fact that when you get married,
as a woman you just kind of give up your last name.
Like, you really--it's nice to take your husband's name,
but then you're like, "Oh, this thing
"I've had my whole life that's my whole identity
"that my great-grandparents came through Ellis Island with?
"I'll just throw it in the trash.
This guy seems cool. Bye."
Like, that's-- What?
You really, like-- your name is nothing
after you get married.
All it is is, like, your shithead son's
bank account security question answer.
That's all your name is.
[laughter]
What?
Only time it comes up, yeah.
[applause]
And he's got to call you, 'cause he doesn't even know it.
Like, that's the one call
you get from him a month.
"Mom, I'm locked out of my account again.
Hey, what's your old name?"
He calls it an old name.
You're like, "You mean my maiden name?"
He's like, "Whatever." "Uh, Jones."
He's like, "Can you spell it?"
And you're like, "Fucking Doug. Like, Jesus Christ."
[laughter]
"Why couldn't you stay a baby?"
That is weird that that's the question
that they came up with.
Like, the banks were like, "What worthless piece
"of information could we ask for
"that no one would ever know about this man
to protect his finances?"
And some guy's like, "What about his mother's name?"
And they're like, "Perfect. Who gives a shit, right?"
[laughter]
"His mother's name."
[laughter]
That's the question? That's--so is that--
That seems like something people should know about you,
but it's that question, then your first concert.
So it's your name, and then your son's first concert
are just-- Your name and Limp Bizkit
are just fighting for the top spot.
[laughter]
So rude.
Your name really just-- you're just like,
"I don't really see it anymore."
Sometimes women get divorced, but they keep
their ex-husband's last names 'cause they're just like,
"I just don't want to go to the DMV.
"Like, I don't care.
"Like, I'll just live with this man's name I hate
because I don't want to wait in line."
Like, I get it. 'Cause your name disappears.
That's why I want to marry someone with my same last name,
save the trouble.
Not a cousin, 'cause they're poor,
but, like, a-- like, uh--like another Glaser.
I could find one and-- but if we had kids,
I would still make my kids hyphenate their names
just to be a dick about it. I don't know.
Like, they'd be like, "Mom, why are we Glaser-Glaser?"
I'm like, "I don't know. I want you to sound like
tiny little law firms, okay?"
That's--that's why.
[laughter]
"This is my son, Cooper Glaser-Glaser
"and Associates.
His sister, Associates."