-It is so nice to be here.
I'm Jess. I'm a Canadian.
[ Cheers ]
Yes, you know, we walk amongst you undetected.
That's what we're doing.
I live here now. I moved to America.
Uh-huh. Yeah. Just -- Just before
the last election. That was when I did it.
And, um... [ Light laughter ]
Yeah, and I moved here with my Muslim wife.
[ Chuckles ]
Right, just making all the best choices all of the time.
[ Laughter ]
America's been fun. You know, we've been marchin'.
[ Light laughter ]
And I've been very proud of my signs at the march,
which I know is not, like,
the point of the march or anything.
I went to a gay march with my wife recently,
and my sign said, "Jihad me at hello."
[ Laughter ] So I thought that was cute.
[ Cheers and applause ]
I'm Jewish. My wife is Palestinian.
Thank you. That's how our families reacted, as well.
[ Laughter ] Yeah.
It was a very tiny wedding, as you can imagine, very small.
It was just me, her, and a U.N. peacekeeper.
[ Laughter ] That was the whole party.
I moved in to her place.
She didn't want me there.
[ Laughter ]
But I moved in anyway. You know how we do.
[ Laughter ]
You know.
My wife and I have been together a little while,
and we decided to spice things up with a little role play.
It wasn't a good idea.
[ Laughter ]
My wife doesn't have a lot of, like, acting range.
Yeah, she only knows how to be the bitchy version
of whatever the character is.
[ Laughter ]
You guys see the problem.
We did something basic. No big deal.
Masseuse, client, okay?
She was the client. I was a masseuse.
She laid down on the bed, I left the room.
I got into character.
I was Helga from Scandinavia.
[ Laughter ] Obviously.
Deep-tissue specialist, made a mean meatball.
Like, I knew my character, right?
So, I go into the room, and I announce myself,
and I'm like, "Helga's here, hello," or whatever.
[ Laughter ]
And my wife turned around, and she was like,
"Oh, I'm sorry. I ordered a man."
[ Laughter ]
That's not cool.
I'm not the coolest person.
Don't all argue with me at once.
[ Laughter ]
When I was a kid, I once shoplifted a thesaurus.
[ Laughter ]
But then I felt so guilty, so remorseful, so repentant,
so sorry, so penitent, so contrite, I brought it back.
You know, it's like... [ Laughter and applause ]
You guys might be surprised to learn this,
but I haven't always been a hilarious comedian.
I used to be a lawyer.
That's a decision I made with my life.
[ Laughter ]
And I used to be a war-crimes lawyer with the United Nations.
Yeah, until I decided it was time to get serious.
[ Laughter ]
And here we are. You know?
Life is short, right?
Sometimes you just got to look yourself in the mirror and say,
"Jess, where's this whole being a U.N. war crimes lawyer thing
really gonna get you?" [ Laughter ]
Sure, bringing war criminals to justice is a great way
to kill time and hang out with your friends.
But is there a future in it? You know?
[ Light laughter ]
Maybe it's time you put your law degree to use
bailing degenerate comics out of minor drug offenses.
[ Laughter and applause ]
That was every conversation when I started comedy.
It was like, "Jess, I'm having a little bit of a legal issue."
"Uh-huh, uh-huh, okay. Did you commit a genocide?
Because if not, I cannot help you."
[ Laughter ]
I did get asked over the years if I had any doubts or regrets
going from law to comedy, and I definitely did
for a little while, until I found out
that a woman I used to work with married George fricking Clooney.
And I was like, "Whew! Really dodged a bullet there."
You know what I mean? [ Laughter ]
Got out right in time! That was close.
George Clooney? Gross, gross, gross.
Every night? No, thank you.
[ Laughter ] Not for me, no.
And all that fame, too? Just like that, in an instant?
[ Chuckles ]
No, I prefer to earn it normally, 18 people at a time,
in the basement of a bar as a stand-up comedian.
You know? That's --
[ Cheers and applause ]
I don't always like to bring up my former career.
I did have a woman heckle me once.
She yelled, "You should've stuck to law."
Yeah, I know.
I was like "You don't know how bad at law I was, lady."
[ Laughter ]
I really showed her.
Thank you guys, so much. I'm Jess Salomon.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
-Oh, my God!
Jess Salomon!
I like your shoes, by the way.
Jess Salomon, everybody!
Her comedy album is available now on iTunes!