The Trump family has a long history
of being assholes.
It all started in 1822,
when Thaddeus Trump parked his horse in a handicapped spot.
But lately, you could say they've been stretching
the limits of how big an asshole a person can be,
starting with President Trump himself,
who has apparently had nothing better to do
than pick fights with children.
NEWSWOMAN: President Donald Trump
is going after a 16-year-old girl on Twitter.
Climate change activist Greta Thunberg
was named Time's Person of the Year.
She's been known to chastise world leaders
for not doing enough.
Trump responded to a tweet congratulating Thunberg
by saying...
(reading):
Come on, man.
The president of the United States
is on Twitter bullying a teenage girl.
Just try to imagine any other president
doing something like this, huh?
Like, imagine FDR doing a fireside chat
where he just goes in on Shirley Temple.
You know? Just like, "My fellow Americans,
"this little girl can't dance for shit.
She's got worse moves than I do, and my legs don't work."
(laughter)
Also, also, Donald Trump has no right
to tell anybody to chill, all right?
He is the least chill human being of all time.
Like, if there's anyone you wouldn't want
on your meditation app, it's this guy.
Can you imagine him trying?
He'd be like, "Inhale! And exhale!
"Let the air rush into your lungs
"like the criminals and rapists swarming across the border,
"coming to take your jobs and kill your parents.
"In fact, your parents are already dead!
Namaste."
(laughter)
(cheering and applause)
But I got to admit, I got to admit,
to Greta Thunberg's credit, she took it all in her stride.
'Cause after Trump tweeted her to chill,
she changed her Twitter bio
to "A teenager working on her anger management problem.
"Currently chilling and watching a good old-fashioned movie
with a friend."
(cheering and applause)
And that's...
That's phenomenal from her. And I'm not surprised, you know?
She's 16, so she's used to handling temper tantrums
from immature boys. I get it.
And it's not just Daddy Trump
who's making headlines right now,
because while he's beefing with kids,
Asshole Jr. is over here taking shots
at even more vulnerable targets.
A new report reveals Donald Trump Jr.
went on a hunting trip to Mongolia this past summer
and killed an endangered sheep.
NEWSWOMAN: ProPublica reports the trip
was supported by both government,
and Trump Jr. got special treatment.
NEWSMAN: He reportedly shot the endangered argali sheep
at night using a laser sight.
(laughter and groaning)
Who is this guy?
He needed to use a laser sight
at night to take down a sheep?
(laughter)
This is an animal so peaceful,
literally just thinking about them makes us fall asleep,
and he's coming at them like it's a raid on bin Laden.
It's a sheep!
An animal so vulnerable
it can't go outside without wearing a sweater.
It's a sheep!
You killed a sheep.
You basically went hunting in a nursery rhyme.
Who are you?
And, also, what kind of asshole
wants to kill an endangered species?
Like, most of us don't even want
to take the last nacho out of the bowl,
and Don Jr.'s out here
putting panda bears in choke holds.
"Go to sleep. Go to sleep."
Now, look, it's obviously not great karma
for Little Bo-Creep to be killing off a species,
so you would think maybe the Trumps
could make things up to the universe
with their family charity.
Except this family is so cartoonishly villainous,
they even do charity like assholes.
President Trump will be paying up to two million dollars
to charities to satisfy his settlement
of a New York state lawsuit
over his misuse of charitable funds
at the Trump Foundation.
The president was accused of illegally using money
from the Trump Foundation to help his 2016 campaign.
Also as a part of that settlement,
the president was required to acknowledge
his misuse of the funds,
his children to undergo training
about misusing charity funds,
and they must report to the attorney general
if they ever create a new charity.
Yeah, you heard that right.
The president had to pay $2 million
because he stole money from his own charity.
Yeah. He used charity money to make political donations,
to settle lawsuits involving his businesses,
and he even bought a painting of himself
to hang at his own resort.
Yeah. Like, if Trump weren't rich,
he'd be one of those people who pretend that they're dying
just to start a GoFundMe. You know?
He'd be like, "Hey, guys,
"the doctor says I've got Ebola-bercu-litis in my Lorax,
"and the only thing that can make me better
is to own a giant picture of my own dumb face."
Now, as you heard,
Trump doesn't just have to pay $2 million.
The court also ordered his three older kids
to attend a training session
on how to not steal from a charity.
Yeah. And you might be wondering
what that training would even look like.
But wonder no more,
because we got our hands on the video.
ANNOUNCER: And now The New York State Guide
to Avoiding Charity Abuse.
Don't steal from a (bleep) charity, asshole!
This has been The New York State Guide
to Avoiding Charity Abuse.
So informative!