(upbeat music)
- My oldest had colic for the first couple of months.
- What's colic?
- It's when babies cry for hours on end,
without any reason till you feel like
your eyes are about to pop out.
- I gave the baby colic.
- No, that's, that's not how colic works.
- It's 'cause I'm not washing my hands
and I'm just touching the baby.
And that's how I gave the baby colic probably.
- You don't give a baby colic.
It's more of a digestive thing.
- That's a relief.
- Thing that worked for me was white noise, surprisingly.
- White noise.
(baby crying)
(vacuum)
- All right Matt, you're up.
Matt.
- I'm not asleep.
- Sleep, ha.
No, this guy never sleeps.
He's deep in thought.
- Yeah.
Deep in, that's exactly what it is...
Very deep in thought.
Thank you.
Thank you, Howard.
And the reason why is because I'm so excited about this.
With this upgrade, there's thousands and I mean thousands
of preset visuals from flooring to uh, to walls,
to lighting that really offers.
- You hear crying?
- Crying?
I don't hear any crying.
- I have a deviated septum,
so my nose whistles sometimes.
Maybe that's it.
- No, that's, that's not what it is.
I'm sorry.
Excuse me for a second please.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey.
(vacuum) - Here we go, here we go.
Huh, huh.
(baby crying)
We're gonna vacuum, we're gonna vacuum.
Hey, Maddie.
- Hey, hey, whoa. - This vacuum sucks.
- What's going on.
What's going on now?
What are you doing?
- He's doing the vacuum thing.
- She likes the vacuum noise.
(baby crying) - Hey, hi.
Matt's got a baby.
- Hey, I apologize for storming out like that,
but she uh, she goes on these crying jags
and it's impossible to really get her to stop and calm down.
- Does she want to try maybe sucking on my pinky?
- No.
- My kids - No.
- It used to help with my kids.
- No.
- They used to love to suck on the pinky.
- Not sanitary.
- Maybe this will help make it, it's a white noise app.
It helps me sleep. - Ah, thank you.
- My baby always calmed down with skin to skin contact.
She's 25 now.
- And I want you to notice the easy metree interface,
as well.
And once again, it's about giving our customers
what they want, which is the simplicity.
Right, isn't that what you want, hmm?
- They want simplicity.
- My nipples are so cracked,
I'm scared to even look at them.
- Is it weird that breastfeeding kind of
turns me on a little bit?
- My husband wants sex, I just want him to die.
Is that wrong?
- No.
- Excuse me.
- Um, I'm sorry AA is down the hall to the right..
- I'm not here for that.
I'm not, I'm not here for the AA meeting.
That's not why I'm here.
She uh, she just went to sleep
but she's been like crying for hours.
I mean hours, to the point where I'm,
I'm exhausted and my face hurts and I'm getting frustrated.
And I don't know how to break the stroller down.
I don't know how to fold it up.
- Okay.
Well, sorry but this is a group for new mothers.
- You're lying, because on that sign out there
it says parents.
I'm a parent and I don't know what the hell I'm doing.
I don't have nobody else to talk to about this shit.
Speaking of shit, the girls got some stuff
flying out her ass just like a fire hose.
I don't know if it's normal or not, but
it's two different kinds.
She can either hit you with a streamer,
that's when it's all put together and it's, it's
it's a little solid and it's a direct hit.
Or she'll buckshot you and that's, that's that sprays.
It's a quick, wop.
I need help.
I need the crying to stop.
How do I make the crying stop?
- Okay.
- I got a problem now.
This is a place of business, right.
It's not a place of babies.
In here I'm kinda, I'm the designated asshole.
- Who designated you?
I'm just asking.
Was it from birth?
- Hey. - Or.
- You don't think there's an asshole above me
and above that asshole, another asshole.
- An asshole chain.
- It's an asshole chain,
that's exactly what it is.
So yeah.
- Just wanted to say great presentation, Matt.
Definitely memorable.
We'll be talking this week.
- Thank you.
Thank you for that.
It means a lot, especially since I'm about to get fired.
- No. - Thank for...
- We'll be in touch.
Thank you.
See 'ya.
- Go on, finish.
- Hey, you're not that lucky,
I'm not firing you.
I just happened to be worried about you.
When's the last time you had a break?
You know there's a new thing called babysitters.
- Oh, hi Maddie.
My name is Summer.
I'm going to pick you up now.
- Oh, she doesn't speak English yet.
She's just a baby.
- Oh, I believe you have to treat
the infant with respect.
Right Maddie?
We've got this.
(gibberish)
- Yeah, yeah.
- That's it.
(gibberish)
- Who finished up their whole bottle.
You did.
Yes you did.
You were hungry, huh.
I'm hungry daddy.
It's her first flight.
- I never would have guessed.
She's a cutie.
- Oh shit.
Oh shit.
I'm so sorry.
- Bro.
- What.
- Look.
- Oh my goodness.
Maddie, hey, hey, come here.
You can do it Maddie.
Jordan, Jordan.
Come on Maddie.
Jordan, do you see this?
Are you watching this?
- I'm watching this.
- Oh my g...
Hey.
Jordan.
Jordan, she walking.
- Somebody's cutting onions or something
close to us or something, I don't know.
- Treat it like a, like 'ya sneaking up on it, and grab it.
Over, under,
over, okay.
Okay, that's one.
Listen to me.
- What is this?
- I think it's a new, a new, a new look.
I think it's a new hairstyle that can catch on
if given a chance.
Stay still.
Gotta go top.
Okay.
- Dad.
Dad.
- I'm going to walk you through how our software
can help you redesign every aspect of your new mall.
You got to see...
What are you, what's going on?
Stop it.
I'm sorry.
It's bring your kid to work days,
so you can only imagine ...
- No, it's not. - Yes it is.
- Let's go out.
- No, wait a second.
Stop it Maddie, stop.
We are, we are...
- I've got your keys.
I'm going to throw them out the window.
- Give me the keys.
Give me the keys.
Stop.
What are you doing?
What is...
I should be traveling for work right now.
Just don't, I don't know if I want to leave
her with a friend for that long.
And this is just the beginning travel wise.
- Welcome to not knowing the right thing to do.
That's a dad specialty.
- Is Swan coming to Minnesota?
- I don't think we're going to be
seeing much of Swan anymore.
- Why not?
- Because Swan and I broke up.
- What?
You didn't talk to me about that.
- I did not talk to you about it because
I don't need your permission Maddie.
- Call her and say you're still going out.
- No, it doesn't work like that.
- So make it work.
- Stop. You're pushing it.
I don't even know why you're acting like you care,
you're the same little girl that didn't want to meet her.
- Yeah, but now I know her and we need more people.
Other people have more people.
- What are you talking about Maddie?
- It's always just us.
- Oh, I'm sorry for being your dad.
I'm sorry for being around.
Is that what you want?
It's not even just us all the time.
You've got Jordan.
You've got Oscar.
You got poker Sundays.
- Swans not a poker Sunday.
- Because Swan does not play poker.
- I don't care, I like her.
And I like my grandmas and grandpa Mike,
and we never see them.
- Okay.
What are you talking about we never see 'em.
Then where we going?
- How come when something good happens
it always gets taken away?
- I don't have an answer for that.
And I don't have an answer for anything else
that you want to ask me.
Don't ask me no more questions,
for the rest of the day, for the whole flight.
I'm not answering nothing else that you ask me.
You hear me?
Question time is over.
I give you an inch, you take a mile.
Carry your bag.
- Ugh.
- What are you, who you ughing?
Hey, stop stomping.
I tell you that much.
- Wow, this is amazing.
- I know, right.
It's going to be so much fun.
(screaming)
Hey, y'all got to stop it.
That's enough.
Hey, slow it d...
It's way to loud in here.
You okay Maddie?
- Yes.
- Yeah, yeah.
Hey, you all gotta turn this...
It's too loud.
Come on, stay close.
(screaming)
- Dad, you hit the clown.
- Oh my God.
He okay Maddie.
Yeah, yeah.
What is that?
No, I'm serious,
I thought there something was on the window.
- No, I don't fall for your tricks no more
- What are you talking about,
I thought something was on the window.
I'm not going to trick you, why would I... (laughing)
- Oh my gosh, there's a booger on your shirt.
Take it off now.
(laughing)