-Welcome, everybody.
Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show."
You're here. You made it. Thank you for watching at home.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Guys, it seems like there's so much going on right now.
This weekend, President Biden tested positive again for COVID.
Yeah. Someone in Illinois won
the $1.3 billion Mega Millions jackpot.
Tonight was a new episode of "The Bachelorette."
And Applebee's is selling chicken-wing-flavored lip gloss.
[ Laughter ]
There's a lot to go over.
Let's just jump in, cover it all at once.
It's time for "News Smash." Here we go.
[ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪
[ Ding ]
First up, after testing negative for COVID last week,
President Biden has tested positive again
in a rebound case.
Wow. The odds of that happening are like one in a...
billion. That's how much cash
the Mega Millions winner is taking home.
With a bank account like that, they'll never have a job again,
kind of like...
every contestant on "The Bachelorette."
Gabby and Rachel have narrowed it down to about a dozen guys.
They've come on -- They went on dates to Paris.
They flew on helicopters.
Unlike the real world, where your first date is usually at...
Applebee's.
They're making an all-new chicken-wing-flavored lip gloss.
The only way you're going to want to slather that
on your lips is if you...
can't taste or smell.
COVID...
[ Cheers and applause ]
It's hard for Biden.
It's no fun being isolated and alone
when you're someone who's so...
Gabby.
Will she get her man or will Rachel swoop in and steal him?
Pretty soon, they'll be off to
the Fantasy Suite, trying to get...
lucky.
Imagine your friend winning the lottery.
If you were ever mean to them,
then it's definitely time for you to...
pucker up.
Seriously, chicken-wing lip gloss from a chain restaurant?
I mean, rubbing that on your face -- it feels like a real...
gamble.
And the winner is sure glad they did,
but you know they were at home
double-, triple-, and quadruple-checking just to be...
positive. When he found out that he's still contagious,
Biden got sent home alone in a limo, just like the loser on...
"The Bachelorette."
The winners get the girls, while the losers might as well be...
boneless.
So, in conclusion...
get a rose...
that blows...
so close...
so gross.
This has been a "News Smash."
[ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪
That's right. That's right.
Over the weekend, President Biden
returned to isolation after once again testing positive for COVID
in what his doctor called a rebound case.
Right now, Biden's looking on the bright side.
He's like, "Well, at least my COVID got a second term."
[ Laughter ]
That's right -- a rebound case of COVID.
Usually when a 79-year-old is on the rebound,
you're meeting your new aunt named Barbara.
That's right -- the virus came back so fast,
staffers didn't even have time to take down the
"get well soon" balloons.
They're like, "Wait. You just..."
Luckily, Biden's doing okay.
He's back to binge-watching "Matlock"
right where he left off.
Biden has COVID again.
He was positive, then negative, now he's back to positive.
They're saying it's 'cause of the medicine he took,
but I think it might be something else.
Watch this commercial I saw the other day.
-[ Russian accent ] Do you love practical joke?
Then pick up Vladimir Putin's Trick COVID Test,
the only test that trick you.
[ Laughs ]
It's a positive, then negative,
then positive, then negative,
then monkeypox, then pregnant.
Vladimir Putin's Trick COVID Test.
Used by White House, and they don't even know.
[ Cheers and applause ] -Isn't that amazing?
He's selling trick COVID tests. -Wow!
-Speaking of COVID, The White House
is planning to offer updated booster shots
to Americans this fall.
Yep, it's still the same booster,
except these are gonna be pumpkin spice.
Meanwhile, this weekend, former president Trump
was busy hosting the Saudi Arabia-backed
LIV golf tournament at his club in New Jersey.
And I saw a photo of him singing the national anthem
I thought was funny.
Look at this.
There he is. -Oh.
Oh. [ Laughter ]
-Yeah, he's either singing the national anthem
or burping up a hot dog.
I don't know what...
But this is fun.
If you hit a golf ball in his mouth, you win a free round.
-Really? -Isn't that fun?
I think it's cool.
Well, it was a life-changing weekend for the person
in Illinois who purchased the winning ticket
for the $1.3 billion Mega Millions jackpot.
The winner hasn't come forward yet,
so either they're contacting financial experts
or they're at home like, "Crap, where is it?
Alright, I had it in my -- I went swimming.
I went swimming. Oh, wait.
No one turn on the washing machine!
No one do anything.
No one do anything. Where was it?
I had it -- Why do shirts have pockets?
Too many pockets!"
But it's a great story.
I mean, one person hit the Mega --
That's a lot of money right there, $1.3 billion.
I mean, I played. I only got one number.
Tariq, how about you?
-I didn't play. The odds are a trillion-to-one.
And what?
Am I supposed to believe that I have a chance?
Like if I pick -- I don't know --
13 for my wife's birthday,
and then, like, 36 and 45
because those are the two streets I lived on as a kid,
and then 57 and 67
because they're the uniform numbers of my favorite athletes,
and then 14 because it's my lucky number?
[ Laughs ] Please.
-Uh, Tariq, 13, 36, 45, 57, 67,
and 14 were the winning numbers.
-Um, I'm sorry. What's this, now?
-You just randomly selected the numbers
that would have won you over a billion dollars.
-Uh, will you excuse me?
[Bleep]
[ Cheers and applause ]
I'm, um, happy for the winner.
-Yeah, yeah, good. Yeah, nice of you. Wow.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yeah, the chase for the big Mega Millions prize is over now,
but that hasn't stopped reporters from telling us
just how unlikely it was that we would have ever won this.
Listen to this.
-The odds of winning were astronomical, 1-in-303 million.
-According to some experts, you are nearly
three times more likely to be killed by
a vending-machine-related accident.
-You're more likely to be hit by a meteorite.
-You have better odds of being struck by lightning.
-You are more likely to be killed by
a swarm of bees or hornets.
-You had a better chance of having a
"toilet-related injury," whatever that means.
-A toilet-related... -Toilet-related injury?
-With the vending machine?
The odds of getting struck by lightning
on a toilet must be insane.
Switching gears, on Saturday, Pope Francis acknowledged
that he will need to slow down or retire.
So I guess we know who won the Mega Millions.
Congratulations, Your Holiness.
You can tell the pope is ready to retire.
Today, someone asked him for a miracle,
and he was like, "What do I look like?
A freaking genie over here?"
Some business news.
I read that, today, the C.E.O. of
Carnival Cruise Line has stepped down.
Yeah, apparently, he was tired of being in charge of
toilet-related injuries.
Some entertainment news.
Disney+ is working on a live-action "Eragon" TV series.
-Ooh! -Yeah. It's pretty exciting.
Yeah, here's the trailer for it.
-"Eragon," the most popular books of 2002.
Now, just 20 short years later,
it's finally time for this beloved series about...
[ Record scratches ] ...horses or, like, frogs?
[ Frog croaks ] Or was it unicorns? I forget.
"Eragon" -- prepare to be reminded.
-Wow. Amazing. [ Cheers and applause ]
What was that about?
Guys, did you see this video of passengers on a
Frontier Airlines flight being sprayed with
some "refreshing mist," apparently?
It's a thing they do. But this looks a little thick.
Check this out.
-Wow!
-Yo!
Wow.
Yeah. Wow.
They call this the "vegetable aisle at Kroger experience."
It's the first time a flight's been delayed
because of bad weather inside the plane.
And, yet, somehow, the chicken was still dry.
Isn't that unbelievable?
Guys, finally, you ever see a photo in the news
and think, "That headline should be different"?
Well, we'll take care of that right now.
It's time for "News and Improved."
Here we go. ♪♪
-♪ News and Improved ♪
-For example, check out this first photo.
The original headline was...
That headline can definitely be improved,
because if you only looked at the photo,
the headline could have been...
[ Cheers and applause ]
Up next, this headline says...
Headline could have been...
[ Cheers and applause ]
Next headline was...
Headline could have been...
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Eh! -Next headline was...
Headline could have been...
[ Cheers and applause ]
Wow.
Next headline was...
Headline could have been...
[ Cheers and applause ]
"What else is going -- What else is going on?"
This next headline was...
Headline could have been...
I'd check that out.
And, finally, this headline was...
Headline could have been...
That's all we have for "News and Improved."
We have a great show.