(upbeat music)
- Happy birthday!
- What are you doing in here?
Oh, Jack.
- Birthday surprise.
- It's seven o'clock in the morning.
- Happy birthday.
- No, fuck off.
- Daddy!
- I don't want, I don't want you in my bed.
- I brought you breakfast in bed.
- I don't want you in my bed
at seven o'clock in the morning.
And you also know I don't-
Not remotely interested in-
- Kippers!
- Ugh. That looks disgusting.
What is that?
- Kippers.
- Those are not kippers.
- You like kippers.
- After my night,
I've had a sleepless night.
- Why?
- I had a terrible dream that I was in bed
with that bloke who was doing the belly dancing.
Oh God.
(high-energy music)
- [Jack] I would have bet good money,
that my father would have left by now.
But in fact, he seems positively mesmerized.
What do you think, Daddy?
- What?
- What do you think?
- Very, very confused.
(high-energy music)
I've seen some things in my time,
but this really does take the horse biscuit.
You're not getting in this bed. No.
- [Jack] He thinks he's found a wrinkly, old carrot.
- [Michael] No.
So it must be limiting,
if you were having a relationship with a monk
to get anything going in the way of foreplay
and anything like that.
- I don't think you are allowed
to have a relationship if you're a monk.
- Oh aren't you?
- No.
- There was a monk at my old school
who was quite interested in me,
but that's another story for another program.
- Anyway, he does speak English.
- You need to turn the light off.
- No, no, no, you turn the light off.
- No, you were the last in, you have to turn the light off.
- No, sorry, I am not getting out of this bed now I'm in it.
- [Jack] But you-
- I am not getting out of it.
I'm in it now.
- Fine, I'll do it.
(scratching)
Such bad chafe.
- Oh please. I don't want to know about your chafe.
I think if we do this again,
I'm going to have a single cabin.
- Night-night Daddy.
Love you.
- [Michael] Fuck off.
- [Jack] There's something that I want to tell you.
- [Michael] Yeah.
- And you need to promise me before I tell you
that you're not going to overreact.
- It's not about you being gay, is it?
- No.
- No, sorry.
Sorry. No, forget.
No forget that. I don't know why I said it.
- That's where your head went to?
- Well, no. Let's just forget that.
- Yeah, let's forget that.
- So, generally speaking, how's the food been?
- There was that penis, wasn't there?
- No.
- You ate a penis?
- No. I did not eat a penis.
It was not a penis.
It's a delicacy out here that they have,
which is rice stuffed in offal.
- Where's the penis come into it, then?
- [Jack] It looks like a penis.
I didn't eat a penis.
Don't tell me I ate a penis.
- The penis that you had yesterday.
- Stop saying I ate a penis.
- You said you felt rather uncomfortable.
- I didn't,
I actually felt very comfortable
putting that in my mouth.
- Jack, is there something you need to tell me?
- I hope this dinner isn't
all about you telling us anything.
- What? A coming out dinner?
- It would be a good way to do it, of course, Jack.
- I'm not, can you stop pressuring me into coming out?
You got a bit of a dawn horn?
- No, definitely no horn of any description.
- Okay.
I'm not going to lie.
I was a little worried
about doing the big surprise this morning.
- Why?
- Well, because of the old ticker,
but it's always risky doing any kind of birthday surprise
for anyone that's north of 70.
- There is nothing wrong with my ticker.
- [Jack] Okay.
- It's as solid as a rock.
- As is your pecker after those dreams, I imagine.
- I can't exchange gags with you
at this time of the morning.
- Okay.
- Why don't you come back in,
come back in
about four hours.
- Okay. Well, I'll see you in a bit.
- Yeah. Bye.
- [Jack] Happy birthday.
- Thank you. It was very sweet of you
to come and surprise me like that.
God, he's an annoying little shit.
(speaking Welsh)
- Show off.
(speaking Welsh)
- How much Welsh can you speak?
- I speak conversational Welsh.
- Okay. Come on then.
Start a conversation.
(Jack speaks Welsh)
- That's "good morning."
- And then what?
- Popty ping.
- [Hillary] Popty ping?
- And what is that?
- It means "microwave" in Welsh.
- It's very conversational.
- No, you can't go straight in,
in a conversation with somebody you say
"Good morning" to them.
And then you'd say, "Microwave?"
- I have conversational Welsh.
And it is conversational Welsh,
but it's just one specific conversation,
which is the conversation you have with someone
when you're buying a microwave.
- Well, not even conversation.
It's just the first word.
"Microwave?"
And they say "Absolutely, I'll go and find one for you."
- Well maybe on this trip I'll pick up a bit more.
Did you really think I was going to tell you I'm gay?
- Let's just forget about it.
- It's not quite as simple as that,
"Let's just forget about it,"
because you've said it.
- I mean, some people, you know, when they see your act,
you are quite gay aren't you?
When you walk around the stage, you go a bit, sort of,
what I would call "How's your father?"
- Daddy, look.
- What are you doing?
- I just ate a Cheeto with my foot.
- Absolutely gross.
It's like having a fucking toddler in the car.
- Why can you never be proud of me?
Do you want one?
- No!
No!
Take it away.
(Jack yelling)
Have you washed your feet recently?
- I can't wash my foot.
- Because it's quite balmy in here.
- That is not normal-
- I don't want it. No, no!
- Do you think that, do you think that's sepsis?
- No! - Could be sepsis.
- Move it away.
- Ow, Daddy!
- I'm trying to drive.
(Jack gasps)
- Look, Stonehenge!
- Yeah.
- Can we go and see it?
- No, of course we can't go see it.
- Why? I've never been to Stonehenge.
- We're just passing it.
- I don't want to pass it!
Pull over, please!
- [Michael] No. We passed Stonehenge so many times
when you were a child.
- [Jack] Yes, but I've never seen it.
It's like one of the most iconic sites in the country
and we're driving past it.
- There is nothing to see up close
other than a load of rocks.
- Can you slow the car down?
I want to get a proper look.
- No. I am not.
- But I've never seen it.
I've never seen it live. Oh no!
- Shut that sunroof. - I want to see Stonehenge.
- No. - We're missing it!
- Stop, come down.
- Ow, Daddy! Ow, Daddy!
We've missed Stonehenge.
- It's freezing.
- I wanted to get a better view.
I've been assaulted by my father.
- [Jack] Do you want a nut?
- No, I don't want a nut.
No, I don't want a nut.
- Keep going straight.
- Have you got the map?
- Daddy have a nut.
Have a nut.
- I don't-
Oh these- ah!
- That is absolutely-
- Oh fuck, sorry they have wasabi on them.
- Oh that is absolutely disgusting.
What the fuck was that? I'm going to kill you.
- It's a wasabi peanut.
- I'm going to absolutely kill you.
That's the most disgusting thing
I have ever eaten in my entire life.
It tastes like it came out of your ass.
(Jack laughs)
- Oh, well that was good.
Little bit warm.
- And I've taught you about all the best red wines
and white wines in the world.
And here you are, necking back a lot of...
rubbish in a bag.
- This is a traditional Australian goon sock.
And I am sampling traditional Australian culture.
And therefore, I will not be drinking out of a bottle
whilst I'm here.
I will be sucking it out of a sack.
- [Jack] My bosom of wine.
Look, Daddy, hands free. Agh.
- Do you have any idea of how much
of a complete dick you look?
(classical music)
- Can we change this music?
It's like being at a wake.
(electronic music)
- No I don't want that music on.
It's not a wake. (classical music)
It's just very nice classical music.
- Can I drive in a bit?
- No.
You've never driven.
- I'm not talking about on the road.
Like if we find an off-road bit, maybe,
or, like, a dirt track?
- All right, well if we're off the road, yes,
but with reservations.
- [Michael] But you have to follow my instructions.
- [Jack] Okay.
Swap. You map-read.
Actually, we probably don't need map-reading.
We're just going to...
- [Jack] Careful of the sign-
- [Michael] We're all right behind?
- [Jack] Where are you going now? No, careful, careful!
Careful, stop. - Up here somewhere.
- Stop! Stop! Stop!
Brake! Brake! Brake! Sorry!
- Is that all right?
- No, you're blocking all the taxis.
- What happened to all those-
(horns honking) - Oh, for fuck's sake.
- This guy. (horn honks)
- Stop it, stop it! (horns honking)
- I hate people who horn at me.
(horn honks repeatedly)
- Stop it!
- Shut up.
- Stop it. - Fuck off.
- Daddy!
- What?
- Oh my God. Kill me now.
- What do we do then?
- Get someone to help.
- Shall I put the brake on?
- Excuse me? Could we have some help from the valet?
- I've forgotten how the brake works,
I think I've just switched it off.
- [Jack] We can't just leave it here.
(horns honking)
Daddy it's running, brake, brake!
(horns honking repeatedly)
Oh my god, Daddy. Stop it.
- Where is the brake?
- Put the handbrake on!
- I can't find the fucking brake.
- That is a handbrake.
- Oh yes, it's there. Sorry, I'll do that.
I'll do that. I'll do that.
There we are. That's got it.
(engine revving)
- [Michael] It just needs to go into first gear.
- [Jack] I'm in first gear!
- Foot down on the clutch.
- It's on the fucking clutch!
- And then put it into first gear.
- Okay, into first gear, it's been in first gear.
(engine revving) - What's on the left?
That's not the clutch?
- Yes, it's that one.
- You were telling me the wrong, that's the brake.
- No, sorry, that's the clutch.
The brake's on the other side.
- So then I used the brake?
- Yeah. (Jack laughs)
- You don't know which is the brake and which is the clutch.
- Well I know when I'm sitting there, what's what.
- You are the worst instructor ever.
- No, I'm not. - Okay, so.
- Let's take it easy now.
- Right, okay.
- [Michael] And then steer over to the left.
That's very good, Jack.
And now you're going too much to the left now.
- Okay. - Little bit right.
Right, that's it. Now left again.
- What?
- No, left.
- [Jack] I am going left! - [Michael] Left!
- [Jack] Don't shout! - [Michael] You're going down.
- Don't shout!
- We're meant to be on that road.
We're right in the middle of a fucking field.
- Mate!
- Just get back, and I'm not your mate.
- [Jack] Can I get down there?
- [Michael] No.
- Yeah, mate, I got that. I got that.
- Would you stop calling me mate?
I am not Jeremy Clarkson.
Right, that's enough.
- No! Just let me do a little bit more.
- [Michael] No, no.
- [Jack] What happens down here?
- [Michael] No. - Can I get over that?
- No, definitely not.
- [Jack] I can.
- [Michael] You cannot go over that, no!
(car thuds)
Right, come on. Out of the car.
- Do you want some drinks?
- Oh, you're not getting that out again.
- What?
- No.
- You love wine.
- No.
- Just have some goon sack.
- I love wine and that is not wine.
- Just have a bit of goon sack.
- No, I don't want any. - Have it!
- No! - Daddy, come on.
- I do not want any.
- You'll cheer up if you have just a little.
- [Michael] I do not want any. I will not cheer up
by drinking some disgusting Australian wine
from a bag.
- [Jack] Have a little bit of goon sack
and we'll continue with the ride.
- No. I'm not having it. - Daddy, daddy!
- You love wine!
- No, I have said no. I do not love Australian wine
out of a sack.
- [Jack] Daddy! - [Michael] No!
- [Jack] Just try it! - [Michael] No!
- [Jack] We're in Australia!
- [Michael] I have said no, no no.
(wine trickling)
- Ahhh.
Oh, that's good.
- Did you know,
the film Bridge Over the River Kwai
was made in Sri Lanka.
All of that,
"We could be standing here,
where David Lean shouted, 'Action.'"
- [Michael] What is that voice?
- That's you, that's how you sound.
- Ridiculous. I don't speak like that.
- You do.
And the point is, that's not where David Lean was,
because he was in a different country.
- Oh, God.
- [Michael] The thing that really annoys me
about Jack is that he's so pedantic.
"Oh, you got the length wrong" and all that.
These things don't matter.
We're not interested in the fucking width.
We're interested in the fact that we've seen
one of the greatest bridges in the world
and where one of the greatest films ever made was made.
Or, possibly not made.
Come have a little hold.
- I don't want to. Daddy, stay away.
Stop it.
Baby snake!
- No, I don't want it.
Daddy, stop, stop, stop right there.
Cockatoo Paul, please come and get the python off him.
- I'll tell you who that one reminds me of,
you know your grandmother?
- You're happy on camera saying
that your mother-in-law looks like a massive elephant?
- Well, she's a large woman.
She loves a big, sort of, buffet doesn't she?
She'd have this whole table cleared.
There's a slightly bigger one, here.
Oh!
Hey!
I wouldn't eat that all in one go,
you'll give yourself indigestion, love.
- Daddy, are you doing okay?
- [Driver] Just don't stick your head out,
because there's a bit of a cliff on the other side.
- Ow!
- Was that you, Michael?
- Yeah, that's broken. That's my hip gone.
(Jack and driver laugh)
- At least you heard it go.
- So this is a Golden Orb Spider.
- Jesus!
- All right. They're completely harmless.
But they eat,
like, big things.
They have been known to eat birds, bats.
- Fuck off!
- That is not-
- I was just putting my arm- - Don't do that!
- I was just putting my hand on you.
- I know what you were doing.
- No!
- I was not scared. I thought...
I knew that that was your hand.
- Okay, so I've just worked out where you get it from.
Great, okay.
- Is everything okay with your coffees?
- [Hillary] Lovely.
- Actually, mine's a little cold.
You wouldn't mind whacking that in the popty ping?
- No, of course not.
- Thank you.
- Such a show off.
- She knew exactly what I meant.
- I wonder what the Welsh for "idiot" is.
- "Idiot."
(Jack and Hillary laugh)
- [Hillary] Sorry, the ice cream came down my neck.
I don't know who's worse, you or him.
- I didn't know you were fluent as well, Daddy?