- Could you believe that's an actual stance you can have?
You can be for equal rights?
I mean, there's people out there saying,
"I think everybody should have the same rights
"as everyone else,"
and there's other people like,
"nah son, I disagree."
(funky music)
- White people make me nervous.
Not white people, white women have made me nervous lately,
and not because of white privilege, 'cause of white women
and their cell phones.
They love to use they cell phones to call
the police for any mother fuckin' thing.
They can't wait to pull that phone out.
You know the fuck I'm talking about.
(scared gasping)
(audience laughing)
I'm tell, if you black, that's one sound you don't ever
wanna hear a white woman say on their phone.
(scared gasping)
If you get two of those in a row,
you going straight to jail, nigga.
(scared gasping)
Calling all cars, we have a (scared gasping).
(audience laughing)
Boy anything, they just walk around looking for shit.
(whistling)
Excuse me, little boy.
Do you have a permit for your lemonade stand?
No, ma'am.
(scared gasping)
There's no permit.
(scared gasping)
This white woman called the police on this black guy
because his dog humped her dog in a dog park.
The fuck do you think dogs go to the park for?
(audience laughing)
To hump, you ever see a dog in the park?
Fool, they walkin' like oh, all these bitches in here.
(audience laughing)
This is a white dog park.
Everybody fixed, ain't nobody going to get pregnant
in this mother fucker.
(audience laughing)
You know who started this shit, Barbecue Becky.
Do you know who Barbecue Becky is?
All right, Barbecue Becky was a white woman
from Oakland, California, and she was a snitch,
(audience laughing)
and most white women from Oakland, California are snitches,
but she was a super snitch.
She had a cell phone, external battery cord,
going into a motorcycle battery.
Bitch was on the phone with the police for two hours
with 100% battery life.
Who the fuck ever has 100% battery life?
Soon as you wake up tomorrow,
"fuck, I just woke up, I'm on 85%."
(audience laughing)
You go to the bath, took a shit, I'm on 55%.
(audience laughing)
Wildstyle, 1%, fuck that.
I ain't going out with 1%.
Barbecue Becky on the phone with the police.
Black people behind her in the park.
Barbecue Becky was like, (scared gasping)
(audience laughing)
They was like, what's wrong?
She said, they're harassing me.
(scared gasping) He said, what are they doing?
She said, they're barbecuing.
(audience laughing)
Police are like, what?
She said, with black charcoals.
I thought this is the dumbest shit
I've ever heard in my life.
I had to do more research.
Do you know why Barbecue Becky was so upset?
Because the black people invited her
to the barbecue the year before.
They said Barbecue, you can come to the barbecue.
(audience laughing)
She was like, (surprised gasping)
She said, what should I bring?
They said, bring whatever you want.
Just come to the barbecue.
Barbecue Becky showed up the next day to the black barbecue
with some white people potato salad.
(audience laughing)
That shit had apple chunks and raisins and grapes
and cinnamon flakes, and she had olive oil
and hummus and yogurt and shit.
That shit had no mustard, no relish, no mayonnaise.
They was like, where the egg at, ho?
(audience laughing)
Ain't even no egg in this white people potato salad, bitch.
I can't eat this shit.
- I like to start with race stuff because I feel like
right now there's a lot of tension.
Blacks and cops aren't getting along.
I don't know if you've seen the news
in the past 400 years but.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
I don't know if you've seen it.
Apparently we've hit a rough patch.
(audience laughing)
My brother's a cop actually.
I don't fuck with him.
(audience laughing)
I love him, I love him. I just, I don't wanna fuck with him.
Not right now, it's too hot.
(audience laughing)
I only see him Thanksgiving, and even then I'm like,
"I'm reaching for the potatoes."
(audience laughing)
He hates that shit.
He doesn't find it funny at all.
I think it's hysterical.
(audience laughing)
We can't agree on anything anymore.
As a country, we just can't agree.
We just fight about everything.
We can't even agree on Black Lives Matter.
That's a controversial statement.
Black Lives Matter.
Not matters more than you, just matters.
(audience laughing)
Matters, just matters.
(audience laughing)
That's where we're starting the negotiations.
(audience laughing)
Matters.
We can't agree on that shit.
What the fuck is less than matters?
(audience laughing)
Black lives exist, can we say that?
Can we say?
Is that controversial?
We always ask for the lowest common denominator.
We ask for the lowest rights.
Gays are fighting for equal rights, equal rights.
Could you believe that's an actual stance you can have?
You can be for equal rights.
I mean, there's people out there saying,
"I think everybody should have the same rights
"as everyone else,"
and there's other people like,
"nah son, I disagree.
(audience laughing)
"I just don't think so."
Black people was fighting for civil rights, not even equal.
(audience laughing)
Just civil.
Can we get civil, can we get civil rights?
Just be civil.
(audience cheering) (audience applauding)
Just be civil, can't we get civil?
Turn the fuckin' hose off.
Can we just get?
(audience laughing)
They don't tell you black lives don't matter.
That's not what they say.
That's not the argument.
They hit you with that slick shit.
Like, well, all lives matter.
Really, semantics?
(audience laughing) That would be like, if your wife came up
to you and was like,
"do you love me?"
And you were like,
"baby, I love everybody.
"What are you talking about?
(audience laughing)
"I love all God's creatures, what are you sayin'?"
They're no different.
Why do black people always have to get over shit so quickly?
(single clapping)
Thanks, blacklighter.
(audience laughing)
Right, why, why do we got to get over shit?
Every time we bring some shit up.
Slavery, oh that was 400 years ago.
(audience laughing)
Segregation, well you guys got
Black History month out of it.
Come on, we, we gave you February.
(audience laughing)
Police shooting, that was two weeks.
Come on, you still, still?
(audience laughing)
9/11, oh, never forget.
(audience laughing) (audience cheering)
That's why this September, I'm getting a t-shirt
that says All Buildings Matter.
I'm a see how that works.
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
You want one?
I'll get you one.
- I got some new shit though.
I'm fittin' to buy me a self-driving car.
(audience laughing)
Fuck outta here, I'm going to be in the back seat.
You pull me over, I don't know what to tell you.
Talk to the driver.
(audience laughing)
Unh uh, talk to the driver, officer.
I'm sorry.
I'm here in the backseat reading the Bible.
As you can see, I'm naked with a little pit bull puppy.
He's in his seatbelt.
(audience laughing)
Just saying, 'cause it's a new world out there.
This new election changed everything.
Everything has changed and don't worry, white people.
We not going to talk politics.
We not going to say who voted for who.
(audience laughing)
We're not going to get into that.
We learn white people know how to keep a secret.
(audience laughing)
Y'all didn't tell us shit this election, not nothing.
(audience laughing)
We didn't know white people was up to something
until they started showing white people in line voting
and all the white people looked like they had
a secret to keep and shit.
(audience laughing)
Them white people is up to something.
I can't wait to see what 2018 gonna be.
2017 is already a doozy.
We, we used to seeing people be wrong.
We ain't never seen nobody be this wrong.
CNN was wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.
(audience laughing)
CNN was talking big shit before the election.
They had the map up, had all the states
highlighted and shit.
They was talking big shit.
"There's no way that Trump can win this unless he wins
"here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here."
(audience laughing)
Then whey they came back from commercial
they were sweating and crying and shit.
(audience laughing)
They was bringing all the neighborhoods up separately.
"Where's the niggers' vote at?"
(audience laughing)
White people done took over now.
Shit, they used to be black, ain't black no more.
First thing white people took over was rioting.
(audience laughing)
Yes.
Riots used to be some black shit.
We'd get so mad we'd riot.
White people done took it over.
White people, let me just say in front of all
these minorities, y'all are terrible at it, white people.
(audience laughing)
We taught y'all better than this.
(audience laughing)
Y'all had a million white people out there, y'all didn't do
no damage at all.
Y'all out there obeying the crosswalks
and passing out orange slices, walking in single file lines.
(audience laughing)
White people, we taught y'all better than this.
If it's a riot, you gotta be willing to fuck some shit up.
(audience laughing)
Y'all can't fuck the shit up 'cause y'all own the shit,
so y'all out there fucking it up and cleaning it up
at the same time.
(audience laughing)
Not a riot, white people.
White people just out there shaking
they signs hard and shit.
(audience laughing)
What are you doing, using the Shake Weight?
I'm rioting, god dammit, I'm rioting.
(funky music)