Nature is a beautiful, majestic thing…until it makes you want to puke your guts out.
For every bunny rabbit or kitten, there's a horrible animal out there that will find
you...and destroy your soul.
Nature can be some nasty business, and while all life is sacred, that doesn't mean that
all life is attractive.
Here are a few ugly, wonderful creatures that you'd never, ever want to keep as a pet.
Probably.
Horned lizard
When it comes to self defense out in the wild, nothing's off limits, and that includes making
your own body parts pop.
When the horned lizard is threatened, it'll shoot streams of its own foul-smelling blood
— from its face.
The sanguine stream can reach distances of up to five feet.
It does this by regulating the blood flow in its head, and explosively rupturing its
own blood vessels.
There are few things less appetizing than being sprayed in the e face by a stream of
blood, so most predators eyeing the horned lizard just opt for a shower and ordering
a pizza instead.
Hagfish
If the name didn't already tip you off, spoiler alert, the hagfish is gross.
While the eel-like fish is usually just under two feet long, the big boys can reach over
four feet.
And they're the only known animal with a skull, but no real spine.
When agitated, the humble hagfish defends itself by oozing a whole lot of mucus out
of pores along its body, totally killing the mood.
Slime itself isn't an inherently gross defense mechanism, but the hagfish can produce up
to 20 liters of the stuff at once.
That's ten large soda bottles full of phlegm.
You're welcome.
Parasitic wasp
This might be the biggest jerk in the entire animal kingdom.
The parasitic wasp can only lay eggs in a living host, which is probably a horrifying
ordeal unto itself.
But the cruelty doesn't stop there.
Several dozen wasp larvae eventually emerge from the host, which is often a big, meaty
caterpillar, while a couple remain behind and control it from the inside, like a Voltron
devised by Satan.
"And I'll form the head!"
This causes the dessicated, zombie caterpillar to stay and defend the growing larvae until
it dies from starvation.
And they probably never pick up the check either.
Koalas
We don't mean to shame you, koalas, but when you guys have so much chlamydia that it's
actually threatening the survival of your species, it might be time to re-evaluate your
life choices.
"Hey girl."
"Hey girl, I know you hear me."
In some parts of Australia, only 10 percent of koalas are were STD-free in 2013, matching
statistics that biologists haven't seen since studying the cast of Jersey Shore.
Koalas are far, far from the worst or scariest animal in the outback, but they're certainly
the most deceptive.
Underneath all of that cuddly fur lies some really bad decisions.
And probably some unusual discharge.
Fulmar
The fulmar looks a bit like a typical seagull, so even though it's a trash bird, it's not
too obviously disgusting.
But the fulmar's defense mechanism is exceedingly gross.
It's so gross that it's the source of their name, which literally translates to "foul
gull."
The bird stores a disgusting gumbo of fish oils and wax in its digestive system, and
is known to projectile vomit the mixture at predators when threatened.
While this evil jambalaya can also be a food source to baby fulmars, the puke smells like
rotten fish and guts — since that's what it is.
And it's so sticky that it can ruin the feathers of other birds, making them unable to fly,
and eventually killing them.
So, yes.
Death by vomit is a real thing.
Thanks, nature.
Pipa pipa toad
Giving birth in the traditional manner is weird enough if you think about it too hard,
but the Surinam, or Pipa Pipa toad, takes it to a whole new level.
While mating, the male toad embeds fertilized eggs into a thin layer of skin on the female
toad's back.
As the eggs develop, they form safe pockets beneath the toad's skin.
When fully developed, the toad's terrible little babies burst through holes in her back,
like a scene from Gremlins, but way, way wetter.
In 2005, awareness of this toad partially inspired a word to describe viewers' revulsion
at seeing this method of birth: "trypophobia," or a fear of irregular holes.
Not many animals inspire new names for fears, so congratulations on taking gross terror
to a whole new level.
Sea cucumber
The technical term for moving guts from your insides to your outsides is "evisceration,"
and the sea cucumber is an expert at doing this to itself.
Different kinds of sea cucumbers can eject their organs through their own mouths, butts,
or just through the sides of their bodies.
Most of them do it to ward off predators…but some just seem to do it for fun.
It's probably confusing to suddenly be tangled in a few feet of toxic intestine from the
thing you were going to eat, so most attackers just give up at that point, while the ol'
cucumber gets to healing everything it just shot out.
Vultures
Just about every vulture is gross.
They rarely hunt down any prey on their own, and some have bald heads designed to burrow
cleanly into rotting carcasses that they steal from other animals.
They also sometimes eat so much that they can't fly, and they're known to use every
manner of their own excrement to their advantage.
While the re's plenty to be said for recycling, covering oneself in urine and vomit is no
way to make friends.
That only works for Ted Nugent.
Vultures regularly consume things so repugnant that they've become immune to anthrax and
botulinum toxin.
Meanwhile, the average human can't even escape the local buffet without the runs.
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