The heart wants what it wants. The problem is the heart doesn't always want what's best
for you. As a coach, my job is to empower my clients to find a love that empowers them.
Sometimes this also means helping them get away from a love that does not empower them.
Today, I'm going to show you how to make one of the most difficult decisions you'll ever
have to make and let go of love. Don't forget to download the first chapter of my book if
you haven't already, and I'll see you after this.
[Music]
I'm coaching a client through this exact situation at the moment and one of the reasons I'm so
passionate about helping her through it and helping you is because I personally know how
painfully excruciating this can be. You know, we get all these messages, love conquers all.
Love will overcome all obstacles. We watch movies where somehow the two main characters
get together despite every obstacle and barrier that stands in their way. It's a beautiful
message and it messes a lot of us up. You don't hear the stories about the women, the
people who found love at first sight, and then that person ghosted or the relationship
turned out to be toxic. No one tells those stories. You don't hear the stories about
people who found love and then had to let it go. No one tells those stories either.
Well, I'm one of those stories. One question I get a lot as a coach is people say to me,
"Well, Mark, if you're such a great relationship coach, how come you couldn't make it work
with your last partner?" And I say to them, "Well, because I'm learning too and I've made
a lot of the same mistakes that my clients have made. It's part of what makes me a great
coach and allows me to help them." Many years ago, I met a woman in a club and we had instant
chemistry. It was just off the charts. We spent that night together and within a few
months were exclusive and shortly afterwards partners. It was a chemistry-driven, powerful
connection. But even early I noticed the values, I noticed incompatibilities that I thought
might cause us problems, but I convinced myself chemistry would get us through it. Those
incompatibilities started to get stronger and stronger. Our chemistry and incredible
connection was keeping us together and our incompatibilities were tearing us apart.
Finally, we went to psychologists and did some exercises from other psychologists
to determine if we were compatible, and if there was any way to fix what we were
going through. The conclusion was something we'd both been terrified of.
That without enormous personal sacrifice, to the extent where we'd both be
unhappy and going against our values, there was no way for us to be together.
Not long-term. Even once we realize this, we still put our
head in the stand. We're in love. The chemistry was still great. The sex was still great.
We didn't want to break up. Yes, our incompatibilities
were causing arguments, but when times were
good, man, they were good. And then we woke up together one morning, and somehow got started
on the conversation that neither of us wanted to have. We went from crying to debating,
to hugging, back to debating, back to crying, back to hugging, and then mostly just more
crying, and then she said something very powerful to me that I'll never forget. She said, "I
know what we need to do, but I didn't have the strength to do it" and at that point,
I knew what had to be done.
That was a call to the man in me from her, for me to act. She didn't have the strength
to do it. We were in love, but we knew what had to be done. I broke up mutually with my
partner that day, collected my things and we walked outside, both in tears to her front
balcony.
We kissed goodbye, walked away, and that was the last time me and my former partner, whatever,
emotionally or physically intimate.
I also had to catch the frigging bus home because my car had broken down.
It would have been so easy to put that conversation off. It would
have been so easy to let our chemistry take us another 6-12 more months and enjoy that
connection, which was fulfilling for both of us. It would have been so easy when we
were hugging that final time we spoke to just have sex instead, but here's what I knew
as I was walking away. Hard choices, easy life. Easy choices, hard life. My former partner
is a beautiful, caring, compassionate woman and I truly, truly believe one day, a man
will be lucky to marry her. I will be genuinely happy for her when that happens and for him
and I hope I get to meet them both and congratulate them on it,
but I was not that man. I was not the one for her.
If you make the easy choice, if you make the comfortable choice, if you make the choice
that alleviates your anxiety today, you are going to pay for it tomorrow. I see it time
and time again. I've been recently coaching a client and she's been struggling with a
narcissist. When she first came to me, this narcissist was in regular contact with her,
twinging her emotions, wanting to connect with her each day, but never available for
a relationship. There was no way this guy was going to give her that. He just wanted
to keep her on the side and my client knew it. Through months of struggles, she managed
to distance herself to get away. She managed to talk to him only via email, which she had
to do for various reasons and cut all other forms of contact.
And then recently during our last session together, she told me he's upped his game
again. She told me, "he's calling me again, he's really pushing things" and she said,
"Mark, I'm really struggling." I said, okay, have you answered any of his calls? And she
said, I want to be honest with you. I had a wake moment and yeah, I did last week and
now I've started talking to him again only for short periods, but almost on a daily basis.
And obviously my heart sank a little bit, but I said, "Okay Sophie, this is, this is
what we need to do right now. Pick up your phone. And she picked it up on the Skype and
I said, I want you right now to block his number. I need you to make this hard choice
so that you can live a better life and finally attract a man in the future who you know can
actually provide the emotional support and relationship you're looking for."
She looked at me through the Skype. She looked at her phone, she looked at me and she said,
"Mark, I just can't do it. I just can't. I'm sorry." I said, "Okay, okay, Sophie, I understand."
She said, it just, it gives me too much anxiety to do so too, to leave him behind and risk
being completely alone and you know, we've been through all the mindsets that Sophie
needs to know to handle this. So I wasn't going to repeat those. Instead, I said to
Sophie, this is your choice and if this is your choice, then I can respect that. But
I said to Sophie, just be aware. You choose a pain either way, you will experience pain
no matter what you do in this situation. But you've got to decide which type of pain you
can experience an enormous amount of pain right now when you block his number, the anxiety,
the anxiety, the desperateness, the loneliness. You can accept all that intense pain today
for a better future tomorrow
[Deep breath]
Or you can make the easy choice. Keep talking to him for five minutes a day and accept a
different sort of less intense, less intense, but much more enduring pain. And she said,
I've got a lot of, a lot to think about. I said, yeah, you do.
[Deep breath]
Sophie was making the easy choice. It was going to lead her to a hard life, not blocking
the number was easy. So you can have a better day. It's not going to be too anxious today
cause she won't feel that twang of loneliness. But she'll pay for it tomorrow. And if you
have a love in your life that you know isn't right
[Deep breath]
but you make the easy choice, then you two are going pay for it tomorrow.
[Deep breath]
Now there's different mindsets you can use to help yourself make this choice. You can
say, "Well, I need to make this hard choice because I love myself more." You can say,
'Well, I need to make this hard choice because I know it's actually what's best for my partner
and my partner's happiness to let them go." Frame it as a selfless act. You can say, "I
know I need to make this choice because I've ticked all the boxes. I've been to psychologist,
I've done every exercise, we've tried to work on it. I've left no stone unturned and now
I need to make the hard choice."
[Deep breath]
Whatever mindset you need to make that choice, you take. Figure out what it is. But in the
end it comes down to this, hard choices, easy life. Easy choices, hard life. For me, letting
go of my love was a hard choice and because me and my partner were brave enough to make
that choice together. Now, we both get to live happy and easier lives. If you want the same,
then make the hard choices that you know you need to make.
[Deep breath]
Well, that's the video. Thank you for watching. I'd love to hear your thoughts on it. Comments,
questions, et cetera. Put them all in the space below. Hit that subscribe button if
you enjoyed with the little bell and the thumbs up video, of course, thumbs up button on the
video and don't forget to download the first chapter of my book. I would love for you to
read it and give me your feedback. The link is available in the description below.
Thanks again for watching and I'll see you in the next video very soon.
[Music]