WELCOME ONE AND ALL IN HERE, OUT THERE, ALL AROUND THE WORLD, ALL
THE SHIPS AT SEA TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) TODAY WAS EPISODE TWO OF THE
HOT NEW REALITY SHOW, "THE JANUARY 6TH COMMITTEE HEARINGS."
WE'RE ALL WAITING TO FIND OUT IF THE FORMER PRESIDENT GETS TO
GO TO THE FANTASY SUITE WITH LADY JUSTICE.
( LAUGHTER ) SHE'S BLIND, SO HE'S GOT A SHOT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
EPISODE ONE WAS A HUGE HIT, BECAUSE AT LEAST 20 MILLION
PEOPLE WATCHED THURSDAY'S HEARING.
WE WERE LIVE, OKAY?
( APPLAUSE ) THAT'S THE KIND AUDIENCE OF
USUALLY RESERVED FOR "SUNDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL."
AND THURSDAY'S HEARING FEATURED EVEN MORE GUYS WITH
BRAIN DAMAGE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SO FAR, MY MAJOR FEELING ABOUT
THESE HEARINGS IS GRATITUDE.
WE KNOW A LOT OF THIS ALREADY, BUT WATCHING THEM PUT IT
TOGETHER REMINDS US THAT WE'RE NOT CRAZY.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU SEE, FOR THE LAST 17 MONTHS,
THE FORMER PRESIDENT AND HIS SPINELESS TOADIES HAVE BEEN
GASLIGHTING US, TELLING US THAT WE DID NOT SEE
WHAT WE ALL SAW: A COUP.
IT'S NOT LIKE THE GUY WAS HIDING IT.
IN THE LEAD-UP, THE FORMER PRESIDENT SAID THINGS LIKE THIS:
>> WILL YOU COMMIT TO MAKING SURE THAT THERE IS A PEACEFUL
TRANSFERAL OF POWER AFTER THE ELECTION?
>> WELL, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS WITH THAT.
>> I UNDERSTAND THAT, BUT PEOPLE ARE RIOTING.
DO YOU COMMIT TO MAKING SURE THERE'S A PEACEFUL TRANSFERAL OF
POWER?
>> GET RID OF THE BALLOTS AND YOU'LL HAVE A VERY PEACEFUL--
THERE WON'T BE A TRANSFER, FRANKLY.
THERE'LL BE A CONTINUATION.
>> STEPHEN: THERE'S YOUR EVIDENCE.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) EXHIBIT A-HOLE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
HE TOLD EVERYONE HE WAS GOING TO COMMIT A CRIME, AND THEN WENT
OUT AND CRIMED IT.
REMINDS ME OF O.J.'S FIRST BOOK: "WHEN I'LL DO IT."
( LAUGHTER ) TODAY'S HEARING LAID OUT TWO
VITAL POINTS.
FIRST: EVERYONE, ALL OF THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S ADVISERS,
REPEATEDLY TOLD HIM, IN THE CLEAREST POSSIBLE LANGUAGE
THAT THE ELECTION WASN'T STOLEN, AND THERE WAS ABSOLUTELY NO
EVIDENCE THAT IT WAS.
AND SECOND: THE FORMER PRESIDENT DECIDED INSTEAD TO LISTEN TO
RUDY GIULIANI AND HIS ADVISERS, ERNEST AND JULIO GALLO.
( APPLAUSE ) SURE, WHY NOT?
IT'S AN AMERICAN CLASSIC.
FIRST THING THIS MORNING, LIZ CHENEY LAID OUT THE CASE:
>> YOU WILL ALSO HEAR TESTIMONY THAT PRESIDENT TRUMP REJECTED
THE ADVICE OF HIS CAMPAIGN EXPERTS ON ELECTION NIGHT, AND
INSTEAD FOLLOWED THE COURSE RECOMMENDED BY AN
APPARENTLY-INEBRIATED RUDY GIULIANI TO "JUST CLAIM HE WON,"
AND INSIST THAT THE VOTE-COUNTING STOP TO FALSELY
CLAIM EVERYTHING WAS FRAUDULENT.
>> STEPHEN: THAT RAISES THE QUESTION: HOW MANY OF THE
FORMER PRESIDENT'S TERRIBLE IDEAS CAME FROM AN INEBRIATED
RUDY GIULIANI?
COULD IT BE...
CALL OF THEM?
"TELL EVERYBODY TO JUST INJECT THE BLEACH.
WHAT IF YOU NUKED A HURRICANE?
I KNOW-- SELL PUERTO RICO.
BUY GREENLAND.
THEY TELL YOU NOT TO LOOK AT THE ECLIPSE--
YOU SHOULD FIGHT!
THE ECLIPSE!
THE ECLIPSE WAS LOOKING AT YOUR WOMAN!"
( APPLAUSE ) AS EVIDENCE OF JUST HOW THIRSTY
RUDY WAS, THE COMMITTEE PLAYED VIDEOTAPED TESTIMONY FROM FORMER
CAMPAIGN ADVISOR AND MAN WHO JUST CHUGGED A TALL GLASS OF
HAIR, JASON MILLER.
>> WAS THERE ANYONE IN THAT CONVERSATION WHO, IN YOUR
OBSERVATION, HAD HAD TOO MUCH TO DRINK?
>> MAYOR GIULIANI.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: IT'S A BIT OF A
LEADING QUESTION.
THEY FOLLOWED UP BY ASKING "DID YOU NOTICE ANYONE WHO WAS
MAYBE FARTING WHILE LEAKING HAIR-DYE AND RANTING IN FRONT OF
A DILDO-SHOP?
ANYONE LIKE THAT?
COULD BE ANYONE.
TAKE YOUR TIME."
THINK BACK.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
RANTING IN FRONT OF A DILDO SHOP.
THE LAWYER KEPT DIGGING.
>> TELL ME MORE ABOUT THAT.
WHAT WAS YOUR OBSERVATION ABOUT HIS POTENTIAL INTOXICATION
DURING THAT DISCUSSION ABOUT WHAT THE PRESIDENT SHOULD SAY
WHEN HE ADDRESSED THE NATION ON ELECTION NIGHT?
>> THE MAYOR WAS DEFINITELY INTOXICATED, BUT I DO NOT KNOW
HIS LEVEL OF INTOXICATION WHEN HE SPOKE WITH THE PRESIDENT, FOR
EXAMPLE.
>> STEPHEN: LET ME HELP YOU HERE.
THERE ARE FIVE LEVELS OF INTOXICATION ON THE RUDY
BREATHALYZER: OVER THE LEGAL LIMIT,
ROOTING AROUND THE DUMPSTER FOR EMPTIES,
ROOTING AROUND IN HIS PANTS IN "BORAT,"
PLANNING COUP IN A BLACKOUT, AND "THE MASKED SINGER."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BASED ON A TRUE STORY.
AFTER THE HEARING WAS OVER, RUDY'S LAWYER RELEASED A
STATEMENT SAYING THE FORMER MAYOR WASN'T DRUNK ON ELECTION
NIGHT, AND THAT RUDY "DENIES ALL FALSEHOODS BY THE ANGRY AND
MISGUIDED MS. CHENEY."
OF COURSE, THE ACTUAL TESTIMONY WAS GIVEN BY JASON MILLER, NOT
LIZ CHENEY.
BUT YOU CAN'T EXPECT HIM TO TELL THOSE PEOPLE APART.
HE'S HAMMERED!
( APPLAUSE ) I'M A LITTLE THIRSTY MYSELF.
A LITTLE THIRSTY MYSELF.
OH, YEAH.
WE ALSO HEARD FROM THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S CAMPAIGN MANAGER AND
MAN WHO WAS BORN KNOWING HOW TO PLAY LACROSSE, BILL STEPIEN.
THE COMMITTEE PLAYED VIDEO-TAPED TESTIMONY OF STEPIEN, IN WHICH
HE WAS ASKED ABOUT GIULIANI AND HIS PALS, WHO WERE PUSHING ALL
THE ELECTION FRAUD CONSPIRACIES: >> THERE TWO GROUPS OF THEM.
WE CALLED THEM, KIND OF "MY TEAM" AND "RUDY'S TEAM."
I DIDN'T MIND BEING CATEGORIZED AS "TEAM NORMAL," AS REPORTERS
KIND OF STARTED TO DO AT THAT POINT IN TIME.
>> IT'S TRUE, THERE WERE TWO DIFFERENT TEAMS.
THERE WERE TEAM NORMAL AND TEAM RUDY, ALSO KNOWN AS THE
CHARDONN-A TEAM.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ONE MORE RUDY JOKE!
THE FORMER PRESIDENT DID NOT WIN, AND TO BACK THAT UP, THEY
BROUGHT IN FORMER FOX NEWS EITOR AND HARDBOILED EGG
REJECTED ON A ZOOM DATE CHRIS STIREWALT.
CHRIS WAS PART OF THE ELECTION TEAM
THAT CALLED ARIZONA FOR BIDEN.
HE WENT ON THE AIR TO DEFEND THAT DECISION, WHICH ENRAGED THE
FORMER PRESIDENT.
TWO MONTHS LATER, STIREWALT WAS FIRED BY FOX.
AND TODAY, WHEN HE WAS ASKED ABOUT CALLING ARIZONA, IT
SEEMED LIKE STIREWALT WANTED HIS OLD JOB BACK:
>> IT WAS REALLY CONTROVERSIAL TO OUR COMPETITORS, WHO WE
BEAT SO BADLY BY MAKING THE CORRECT CALL FIRST.
OUR DECISION DESK WAS THE BEST IN THE BUSINESS, AND I WAS VERY
PROUD TO BE A PART OF IT.
LET ME TELL YOU, OUR POLL IN ARIZONA WAS BEAUTIFUL.
WE WERE ABLE TO MAKE THE CALL EARLY.
WE WERE ABLE TO BEAT THE COMPETITION.
>> STEPHEN: "I'M ALSO FLUENT IN SPANISH, PROFICIENT IN MICROSOFT
EXCEL, I DRIVE STICK, AND MY GREATEST WEAKNESS IS THAT I CARE
TOO MUCH.
PLEASE, SOMEBODY HIRE ME!
NO ONE'S SIGNING UP FOR MY ONLYFANS!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) POOR GUY, HE DID THE RIGHT THIN.
THE COMMITTEE PLAYED SOME OF THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S GREATEST
ELECTION-DENYING HITS, INCLUDING THIS GEM:
>> IT WAS 10:00.
AND YOU LOOKED AT THE NUMBERS.
AND I'M SURE YOU FELT THAT WAY.
THIS ELECTION WAS OVER.
AND THEN THEY DID DUMPS.
THEY CALL THEM "DUMPS."
BIG, MASSIVE DUMPS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> STEPHEN: TO GIVE YOU SOME IDEA OF HOW MASSIVE?
FOUR HOURS EARLIER, THIS WAS DINNER.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I'M SORRY.
YOU'RE NICE PEOPLE.
I'M SORRY.
ONE BREAK-OUT STAR RETURNED FROM NIGHT ONE: FORMER ATTORNEY
GENERAL AND SITH LORD SUMMONING ANOTHER BASKET OF ONION RINGS,
BILL BARR.
BILL BARR EXPLAINED THAT HE NEVER BOUGHT GIULIANI'S FRAUD
THEORIES, AS HE EXPLICITLY TOLD THE FORMER PRESIDENT:
>> I TOLD HIM THAT THE STUFF THAT HIS PEOPLE WERE SHOVELING
OUT TO THE PUBLIC IS (BLEEP).
THAT THE CLAIMS OF FRAUD WERE (BLEEP).
I REITERATED THAT THEY WASTED A WHOLE MONTH ON THESE CLAIMS, ON
THE DOMINION VOTING MACHINES, AND THEY WERE IDIOTIC CLAIMS.
I THOUGHT, BOY, IF HE REALLY BELIEVES THIS STUFF HE HAS, YOU
KNOW, LOST CONTACT WITH-- HE'S BECOME DETACHED FROM REALITY, IF
HE REALLY BELIEVES THIS STUFF.
>> STEPHEN: IT'S SO SAD TO THINK THAT THE MAN WHO SPENT YEARS
INSISTING THAT WINDMILLS CAUSE CANCER SOMEHOW LOST TOUCH WITH
REALITY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MY BOSS IS HERE, THE TASK
MASTERS, THE OVERLORDS, THE BRASS, T THE HONCHOS HERE AT CBS
WILL NOT ALLOW ME TO REPEAT WHAT BARR CALLED THOSE
CLAIMS.
IS THERE ANOTHER WAY OF DESCRIBING THEM?
>> DUMPS.
BIG, MASSIVE DUMPS.
>> STEPHEN: THANK YOU.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE BRYAN CRANSTON AND SENATOR RAPHAEL WARNOCK.
WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!"!