All right, t-minus five minutes before those doors open, so let's go over those Apple store Employee Guidelines.
Rule one, Karen!
You know more than the customer and they are not entitled to that information, sir!
Great! Rule two, Chris!
You could always be smuger, sir!
-I believe the term "More smug" is the correct phrasing of this particular instance, sir!
Now that's the kind of smugness that we strive for here at Apple. Chris, drop down and give me twenty you pathetic piece of Android garbage.
Sir!
Rachel you've been promoted to employee who doesn't have enough technical knowledge to work in the genius bar, but she stays there anyway!
YES!! I will not disappoint you my lord- I MEAN SIR!
Every Apple Store ever.
[dank music]
[click]
[shit I accidently opened a porn site]
Hi, can I help you with anything?
No. Thanks. I'm just looking around at the new-
Hi, can I help you with anything?
Nope, looking around at the new-
Hi, can I help you with anything?
No,I'm just looking around thank yo-
Hi, can I help you with anything?
*a lot of talking*
OK OK! I'll take them all! I'll take all the iPads.
Great, so you'll need Applecare, a phone protector, a phone case and that'll be $2400 Dollars and 33 cents
Have a very Apple Day!
Every apple store ever
Well Rachel, this is really exciting, your first day at work.
Do you have any other questions before you start?
Uh yes, if a customer asks me exactly what an "icloud" is
What do I say cause I don't actually know.
Yeah heres the thing, uh none of us know what that is, so just make something up.
You know the hubble telescope? Well, it's just like that except cloudier.
wat
It's like a server made of ethereal rainbow.
Huh.
it is a Home Depot inside of my stomach
What?
Thanks genius
Alright, and here's your new iPhone 8
Finally, I feel like I've been waiting in line for years.
(Singing)
The best thing about the iPhone 9 is that it has a headphone jack
Whoa hold on, what'd you just say?
The iPhone 9, it's what we're waiting in line for
Well when does the line start?
Probably three and a half blocks down you should hurry.
[Octophobia intensifies]
Do you have this in blue?
Mahalo, um does the new IPhone have optical image stabilisation? Because my followers would know of my images were not-
-stabilised
Absolutely, the new HDR mode takes a series of burst photos at different exposure levels then merges them into one truly stable image
So what you're saying is the lens doesn't actually move? So how could it be true optical image stabilisation
Uh, the lens does move if you move your hand there by moving the phone and the lens
Um, never mind
I actually think I'm going to go take my patronage over to the Microsoft store, where their flagship windows phone does have through optical image stabilisation.
I invite you to do so, the Microsoft store is simply located across the motorized car path
*jumbled pleas*
Oh, um I think I actually will purchase this iphone and then use said Iphone to complain about said iPhone on Tumblr
Pft
Why is it so expensive? Why don't you get out?
Hey genius, my laptop doesn't work anymore, fix it.
Well, lets take a look at it
[dafuq
Mmm. It seems as though you have
Expressed yourself inside and all over the laptop
Well yes, I wanted to get it pregnant, so it could make some of those iPhones for me, you know?
...
That only works at the nano.
I can't delete all these John mellencamp songs off my phone. Why would you want to?
I have an appointment at 3:30.
Whoo. Oh, it looks like you just missed it. Do you want to reschedule,
But it's 3:30 now
[le wait]
No it's not, do you want to reschedule?
Uh, I guess
I've got an opening for Christmas
2020
What time?
My phone is broken. This is a razor
[Holiness intensifies]
Forgive me genius, for I've got my phone whet, and I don't have Apple Care
Go on my son. Tell me your problems
So I was visiting my sickly grandmother
She asked me to fetch her some water, so I filled up her favorite glass, and
all of a sudden a small helicopter crashed into her home, when started a huge helicopter fire.
The Smoke Detector went off and in her weakened state, the shock got her so bad and she went in to cardiac arrest
And that's a glass of water flying in and landed directly on this phone right here. Which is the last thing she bought me
She would have wanted me to have the free replacement
[cri]
Did you drop your phone in the toilet?
Yee
Well, you're gonna have to pay full price for this new phone, would you like Apple Care on this one?
Naw, I'm good
Every Apple store ever
[I'm naked]
Whoa, that was such a video! If you want to watch every dentist ever, click the box on the left and if you want to see every supermarket ever click the box on the right. It's very good
[dank music]