One, two, three, go.
Hello there, and welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs A Friend.
This is a crisp, professional opening of the show.
I've been criticized.
Always is.
Well, I was criticized last week and I got in my head.
Cause you guys were saying
that I overthink the opening.
I take a long pause.
So today I just jumped in.
It's been one minute.
Well, I think so far, have I addressed the note,
Matt, do you think?
Yeah, I actually think this energy
you're coming in with right now
It's right in the sweet spot. Let's ride it.
We did it.
Okay, well I'm going to keep going with
this crisp and efficious tone.
The Dow Industrial Average now has plunged.
What?
We are seeing a cold front
No.
moving across the Midwest.
We don't do this.
Rather late in the year for that.
But we think it's because of a high pressure zone
in the Arctic region.
We don't do that.
Which is drawing cooler air north.
That is not what this is.
And still of course we see as the planets revolve
in their majestic dance of the orbit, as they call it.
No, no. This is a podcast
We say things like vagaroo.
So you're saying that I'm projecting
Big dick history, originated here.
Big dick history.
Yeah, we had Sound Effects Theater on this.
Big hit, we gotta bring that back.
Yeah, we gotta bring Sound Effects Theater back.
I played that one for my kids and they were
my kids are not fans of my work, nor should they be,
but they really liked Sound Effects Theater.
That was kind of sad. What?
My kids are not fans of my work.
No no, I train them not to be.
I've always wanted them to aim higher.
The immigrant dream is, you want your kids to
be better and do better than you did.
And so my people came to this country from Ireland
and then each generation tried to push
the next generation further.
So I need my children to sort of have some level
of disdain for what I do.
That makes sense.
And then work at a bank.
Oh.
That's the plan.
I'd like them both to work at banks.
Not at anything bad.
I want them to be at the
Tellers?
Yeah, tellers, tellers at banks.
I don't want them, if they get higher than that
then they're sort of responsible for the rapacious greed
that's destroying our country.
Oh.
But if they're a teller, they're like,
here's a lollipop because you just opened an account.
Yeah.
That's nice.
Yeah, here's you want the leather checkbook
or do you want the fake leather checkbook?
You know, that seems good.
Here's a calendar.
Do they still give calendars at banks?
I don't think so.
Gourley, do they give calendars at banks?
I haven't been in a bank in 30 years.
I don't know.
You know when I first came to Los Angeles with
Greg Daniels in 1985,
and we went to Sunset Gower Studios
and we worked there as comedy writers on a show
called Not Necessarily The News.
They then gave us our paycheck after a week
and Greg and I walked to the bank
and I remember going into the bank
and just thinking like, what is this?
Cause it was my first job, my first real job,
and walking in to open an account and deposit it there.
And then they told me, you know
you don't have to do this anymore.
There's a machine out there.
You put it in the envelope.
Do you remember this?
Yeah.
Well, I don't remember.
I wasn't there. No, no, but you remember,
I know you weren't there.
Oh.
I wasn't there either.
Yeah.
Well Gourley, you may have been there.
You're kind of a weird guy.
I remember there was a weird little kid
in glasses and shorts who was wearing an
I like Ike button, who was following me around.
And he said, someday, we're going to work together
on a future version of radio.
You'll see. And then you took out a little ukulele
and you went, ♪ A doh di oh doh ♪ ♪ A doh di oh doh ♪
♪ I said a doh di oh doh ♪ ♪ Doh doh doh ♪
And you ran away. That was 30 years ago.
The last time I went in a bank. (Conan laughing)
They never let me back in.
I remember that little kid in shorts.
I'm Matthew Gourley, see?
You'll hear from me soon, Mr. O'Brien.
I'll punch you in the gullet.
I'm going to punch you right in the knee cap
cause that's as high as I can reach.
But someday, I'll have a craftsman style home
and a lot of mid century furniture
and then I'll show you all.
And then you took out your ukulele again,
♪ I said doh doh dohdily dohdily doh ♪
♪ Dohdily doh doh doh doh doh doh ♪
I'm gonna have all kinds of special pottery,
made in the late fifties, that I'm going to buy
at a Rose Bowl swap meet.
And I'm going to have some felt hats
that I rarely get to wear
because temperatures are too high in Pasadena.
One more song,
♪ A deep dop boodily scoodily doo ♪
♪ Scoodily deep beh deep bee dee dee ♪
Did you know Eisenhower had two strokes in office?
Look kid get lost.
I thought you'd like that.
I do like it kid, but I got stuff to do.
I'm just getting started in comedy
and I've got to do well enough
so I can one day have a podcast.
Okay.
Off to buy a rip-off Eames chair.
Bye.
I'm going to get on my fifties
vintage Schwinn bicycle now.
(Conan makes squeaky noises)
Sure needs oil.
Then you tried to play the ukulele
while you were driving a Schwinn, and you crashed.
I did have a Schwinn.
I had a Schwinn Tornado.
You did, with a big basket up front
and it was filled with original documents from the 1920s.
Okay. Let's start this goddamn show.
All right, let's get this show started.