Hey Nina, what's up?
Hey Tom, can you give me a quick rundown about Boba Fett?
So Boba Fett is a fearsome intergalactic bounty hunter who the government
hires to capture a trucker, his boss, their smart speaker, and Chewbacca. And out of all the bounty
hunters that they hire, Boba Fett is the only one who thinks to look for them in the trash.
Okay, so basically it sounds like Boba Fett is good at being a bounty hunter.
It does sound that way! After that, the army just gives the trucker to Boba,
and then he sells him to a handsy slug. Anyway, six months later, Boba gets bonked
with a stick by accident and falls into a giant sand butt and dies.
What?
Anyway, thanks for calling, always a pleasure, I gotta go back to doing some stuff —
Tom, wait, that can't possibly be right.
Uh, pretty sure it happened in 1983…
No, I mean if he died in a butt, how come there's a show starring Boba Fett on Disney+ right now?
Oh, you wanted to know about the new Boba Fett! The one that climbed out of the butt?
There's more than one Boba Fett?
Kinda!
Great.
So our story begins on a very wet planet. A guy named Jango Fett,
a fearsome intergalactic bounty hunter, is there.
So Jango Fett. Is that Boba's dad?
Kinda!
Is he hunting a space bounty or something?
No.
Then…why is he there?
Nothing weird. Just selling his DNA.
What?
You don't understand, Nina. See, some peace-loving space-monks
asked the wet-planet-people to whip up an army of emotionless killers.
So the wet-planet-people cloned a ton of Jango Fetts since he was so good at I dunno.
Okay.
But what's important is that Jango Fett was all of the clones' daddy. But being the father to an army
of brainwashed meat shields wasn't enough for ol' Jango. He wanted a clone. A clone to call his very
own. A special little clone of his own he would have alone in his clone-home. And he got one.
And that's Boba Fett.
Yeah, basically.
And Jango, what, taught Boba Fett how to be a bounty hunter?
Kinda!
Ugh.
So for a while, young Boba rode shotgun in Jango's cool ride
that’s called the Slave 1, unless it isn’t.
Why'd he name his ship that?
Dude just loves slavery, unless he doesn’t.
Is there a Slave II?
Wow, what a stupid question! [Nerd voice] "Uh, excuse me, uh, is there a Slave II?"
Is there?
No. Except yes. But those stories don't count. Unless they do.
Anyway, Jango fights some good guys because he works for some bad guys, but, like,
what he does for the bad guys isn't really super clear. But it doesn't matter, because
a peace-loving space monk named Mace Windu cuts his head off with a laser sword. And so, we see
young Boba Fett for the last time in live action, clutching his daddy's decapitated noggin on the field of battle.
Okay, so now young Boba Fett's motivation and life goals are pretty much locked in right? He just wants to
get revenge against the peace-loving space monks for cutting off his clone-dad's head?
Kinda! But not really. But maybe sort of?
Jesus Christ.
Pretty soon after his dad's workplace accident,
Boba tries to kill Mace Windu by using a super-duper space bomb,
and it almost works! But luckily for Mace, he ends up just killing some guy instead.
Wait, you said, 'pretty soon'? Isn't Boba Fett
still a literal child at this point? How old can he possibly be?
You know, the normal age for attempted murder. Six.
Why do fans like Star Wars?
We don't.
Okay.
Boba becomes a teenaged bounty hunter instead
of going to school and learning math and whatnot, he tries to blow up some more peace-loving
space-monks whose stated agenda is to kill anyone who disagrees with them —
So pretty much your standard Star Wars stuff?
Pretty much standard star wars stuff! Rides a giant dinosaur, and uses a big tuning fork to
shoot at a pink sea Monster that was eating a yummy spaceship at Christmas. It's Star Wars stuff!
I'm hanging up.
After that, Boba Fett takes Chewbacca to a drug store so he can buy the antidote to
a sleeping virus that two guys caught from a magic necklace that turns you invisible.
Why is this not working —
But it turns out that it's all an elaborate ruse!
Oh my God, this is the bad place.
Soon after, the bounty hunter's plan is found out and he flies away,
leaving Chewbacca to tell those two guys that Boba Fett smells bad.
Tom, are you okay? Are you high?
High on Star Wars! And those markers from earlier.
That tracks.
Now Nina, here's where things get confusing.
F--- you.
The stuff where he tries to kill peace-loving space-monks? And then rides that cool dinosaur...