(Ari) Ladies and gentlemen, a very funny woman.
Ms. Iliza Shlesinger, everybody. Let her hear it.
[cheers and applause]
Because I fly so much,
I have a rule, and that is:
never talk to the person sitting next to you on an airplane.
This rule instated after
I shared a lovely hour-long flight to San Jose with a woman
who just pretty much spent the whole time telling me
why Jews are the source of all the problems in the world.
So... [exhales]
So I never talk to the people sitting next to me.
And I was flying home about a year ago
and a boy sat next to me.
He was about my age, clean cut.
He started chatting, and he seemed normal.
So, I asked him about himself.
I'm like, "Tell me about yourself."
He's like, "Well, my name is Brian.
I work at a hedge fund and I went to Yale."
I was like, "Okay, nerd alert."
[chuckles]
And he was like, "Tell me about yourself."
I was like, "My name's Iliza, I'm a standup comedian,
and I struggle with being attractive, yet accessible."
So, over the next couple weeks we kind of became friends.
We stayed in touch. We'd hang out a lot.
And I liked him. I liked his personality.
He was a hard worker,
Irish American, hard worker, smart.
And it became clear that he had a crush on me.
He would always try to buy me drinks,
always buy things to impress me.
He bought a house at one point.
Not for me, but he bought one.
I never went over, 'cause I didn't want to,
you know, see him with his shirt off
'cause I could tell that his body was unacceptable.
And I think it bothered him that I didn't have a crush on him.
And I was like, let me explain it to you.
I am a seven without makeup,
and you are a four with money.
Those are the numbers, crunch them as you will.
So, one day he called me and he was like,
"We can't hang out today.
My mother has been diagnosed with cancer."
I stopped dead in my tracks and for some reason,
something in my heart opened up
and all I wanted to do was take care of him.
This is a man that had done nothing
but be kind to me, and be sweet to me.
So, I was like, "What do you want to do?
"Can I take you somewhere? Can I take your mom somewhere?
"You want to cry? I'm crying right now.
"That's a weird chemical imbalance,
but I feel bad for you."
I just wanted to be there for him.
And over the next couple of weeks,
I started to fall in love with him.
And we dated for about a week and things were great.
And then things got weird.
My mom called me one day.
[hoarse voice, New York accent] "Eliza.
I Googled your boyfriend."
Incidentally, my mother is Selma, from The Simpsons.
[applause]
"And on his company bio, it doesn't say he went to Yale.
It says University of Ohio."
Fine institution, but it ain't Yale.
So, I called my boyfriend. I was like,
"Why doesn't it say Yale?
"You talk about Yale all the time.
"You seem pretty proud of it.
Why doesn't it say it on your bio?"
He was like, "Oh, my God. If you saw the way
"things were run at this company, it's a mess.
It's a nightmare. I'm leaving anyway."
And I was like, "Totally. I got it.
[Bleep] the man, yeah, I got it."
People mess up my bio all the time.
Sometimes they don't put winner of Last Comic Standing.
Sometimes they put winner of America's Next Top Model.
Do I correct it? No.
I just let audiences be disappointed
with my lack of facial symmetry.
Whatever.
I was like, "All right, well, I'm gonna make you
"some cupcakes. I'm gonna bring them
"to your house. I haven't seen it yet.
This is gonna be fun." He's like, "Well, bring them
to my office." I was like, "No, I'll bring them
"to your house. Your office is on the,
ugh, West Side." So...
He gives me the address, and as I'm driving toward his house,
I'm noticing it's not in Beverly Hills,
which is where he said he bought a house.
It's in Hollywood. And as I pull up,
I notice it's not so much a house as it is a duplex.
So, thinking I've made a mistake,
I go up to the window and I look in.
Looking for context clues.
Looking for some things of his, Yale context clues, right?
Plaid, mallards, pennants, minorities chained to a window,
something.
And none of that was in there.
And before I could leave, a girl opened the door.
And we locked eyes and she goes,
"You're Iliza."
I was like, "Who are you?" She goes, "I'm Mary.
I'm Brian's roommate."
I was like, "Hm."
So I call my boyfriend.
And I was like, "What's up, bro?
What's up with the roommate and non-house?"
He was like, "Um, okay.
"This is weird, but I have a house.
"Um, my mom lives in it while she undergoes cancer treatment.
"And I don't bother her because we don't really get along
and I want to give her her space."
And I was like, "I totally get that.
But I need to know where you [bleep] live."
So, he comes over and he goes,
"Here's my address. Here's my mom's phone number.
"You have everything.
"I just ask that you respect--
basically a woman's dying wish it to be left alone."
And I was like, "Fine, double dog dare me not to be crazy.
I'll take that bet. Fine."
So, a couple weeks go by, I let it lie.
I'm on my way to the airport to fly to a gig
and my mother calls me.
[hoarsely] "Eliza.
"I called the Yale registrar's office.
"They have no record of your Brian
ever having attended Yale."
So my first thought is,
"Maybe they misspelled Brian over there at Yale.
"Maybe they wrote Brain.
Maybe they made a mistake and he did go there."
So I hang up. I call my boyfriend.
And on my way to calling him,
it's ringing and I decide to take out
that piece of paper that had his address on it.
The one I was told to stay away from.
And I drive by that house in Beverly Hills.
And I'm about to get out and knock on the door
or something just to bother his mom for a second,
and I see a black family come out with their kids,
load them into the van.
Now, Brian is Irish, but he wasn't black Irish.
So, I call him.
He picks up and I was like, "You are lying about many things.
"I don't know what they are, but I'm not signing up
for the next round of this. I'm out of here."
And that's when it all came crashing down.
He said,
"I can't do this anymore.
"Um...
"I didn't go to Yale.
"And I never bought a house.
"I just said it to impress you.
"Also...
My mother doesn't have cancer."
Right? You've never been more annoyed
that someone doesn't have cancer.
So, for the last six or--
[laughter]
For the last six or seven months,
I've really wrestled with this. It's a traumatic thing,
and I've really tried to figure out a spiritual meaning.
Some sort of life lesson I can extrapolate from this
and use in a healthy way for the rest of my life.
And after all is said and done, the life lesson I've learned is,
um...
Never talk to the person sitting next to you on an airplane.
Actually, if we have time for this,
I think I've also taught a life lesson.
And that is, if you're gonna mess with someone
because you're a crazy person,
try not messing with a standup comedian
who has access to a national television show.
Go [bleep] yourself, Brian [bleep].
Thank you.
[cheers and applause]