Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick world.
'Well that's the first pleasant idea I have heard this evening'
This week’s film is The Monolith Monsters and, uniquely amongst films we’ve reviewed,
its biggest problem is its title because… there’s no monsters.
'That's an interesting idea.'
What we have instead are rocks from outer space which grow when they come into contact with water,
they then fall over and shatter creating more rocks which can grow and so on and so on,
destroying everything in their path
'You're absolutely right, it's ridiculous.'
'But that's what someone said of the wheel when they first thought of it.'
They also turn people to stone but I didn’t really get that bit.
‘doesn’t make sense to me either’
And, sidebar, if a major point in your movie is people turning to stone,
'the bodies are turned to stone.'
you have to have a way of portraying that that looks at least vaguely realistic
Back to the point; there’s no monster, no devious intelligence, just a chemical process,
you know what that is?
'I don't know Martin.'
It’s brilliant.
'I can vouch for that.'
What’s scarier than a chemical process; it can’t be killed, it can’t be reasoned with, it’s an absolute; unemotional, unstoppable, relentless.
'Those rocks will come crashing through here like an avalanche on an ant hill.'
And despite this being a B movie, it’s very well realised.
Of course there is a but, how many B movie are there where you find yourself just watching for the monster...
because the hero is so blandly tedious that you can’t bear to watch another second.
'If it;s dull and statistical I've read about it.'
Now imagine that monster is a rock.
'Yes Chief, right away chief.'
I’m the first one to complain about all action heroes sneering at scientists,
but in these films but a geologist hero is problematic
'dirt, paroxine, the olivan group flint'
Stop listing rocks!
'I need acid uncut, gloucose CV and mono ploro citric acid.'
Stop listing chemicals!
'The area the size of Canada could see extreme psychogenises.'
See! You get annoyed when other people do it.
'They're still activating'
The problem with having rocks as bad guys is that the ‘fight’ against them is a series of discussions in offices or laboratories
'Doc, you must have found something.'
And what makes this worse is that at the centre of these discussions are Dave Miller.
'What if Ben's death and the rock had something to do with each other.'
and his old tutor
'Professor of Minmahyer, Flanders.'
Stupid Flanders
(Simpsons music.)
the two dumbest scientists ever
‘It’s killed or injured everyone who’s come into contact with it.’
And yet they keep handling it
'See any difference?'
'Different colour'
You don’t need to be a scientist to see that!
'Not heat, not electricity. Not the simplest catalysts.'
The answer they’re looking for is water, which is any scientists first answer to any natural process
‘But what made it grow?’
You still can’t figure it out?! It just happened in front of you!
'Are you positive you wrote down all the ingredients in the Doctor's formula.'
Later on they’re given a formula for retarding the rock’s growth and after fruitless hours
‘Our one chance is a combination of all the ingredients’
Oh you want to try the whole formula? What a novel approach
Whatever gave you such an idea.'
What they’ve been trying to do is the equivalent of putting yeast in the oven and expecting to get bread out.
'In science there no guarantees.'
Only when they’ve exhausted all options do they try the thing they should have started with!
'Well at least that is a good idea,'
Of course, all this is to stretch the film’s length but that’s exactly what it feels like.
'You don't miss much do you?'
And it’s infuriating cos it’s a good idea that’s been made tedious!
‘How long have we got to unlock it's secret?'
'3 hours?’
Boy I hope not.
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