( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
>> Stephen: JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN," EVERYBODY!
GIVE IT UP FOR THE BAND RIGHT THERE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) JON, THE LOVELY AND TALENTED DAX
SHEPARD IS HERE.
>> Jon: DAX IS IN THE HOUSE!
GOING TO BE A NICE ONE TONIGHT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I'M LOVING THE ENERGY IN HERE.
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW, FOLKS, LAST WEEK, OUR FRIEND JON
STEWART WAS IN CONGRESS, CALLING ON LAWMAKERS TO EXTEND THE 9/11
VICTIMS COMPENSATION FUND, WHICH COVERS HEALTHCARE FOR SURVIVORS
AND FIRST RESPONDERS.
THE FUND EXPIRES NEXT YEAR, AND IT'S BEEN DIFFICULT TO GET
CONGRESS' ATTENTION ON THE ISSUE.
SO JON CALLED THEM OUT FOR DRAGGING THEIR FEET ON
REAUTHORIZING THE FUND.
BECAUSE THE SITUATION IS URGENT, YESTERDAY, JON MET WITH THE ONLY
CONSTITUENTS THAT REPUBLICAN LAWMAKERS STILL LISTEN TO,
FOX NEWS.
>> IT'S VERY LIKELY THAT THE HOUSE IS GOING TO PASS THE FULL
BILL THAT YOU WANT, EXTENDING THE PROGRAM THROUGH THE LIVES OF
THESE PEOPLE.
THEN YOU HAVE TO GO TO THE SENATE AND, IN YOUR TESTIMONY,
>> SENATE!
>> YOU SAID THAT "A CERTAIN SOMEONE," BY WHICH IT APPEARED
YOU MEANT SENATE LEADER MITCH MCCONNELL, CANNOT BE ALLOWED TO
USE THIS AS A "POLITICAL FOOTBALL IN NEGOTIATIONS."
HAVE YOU HAD PROBLEMS WITH SENATOR MCCONNELL?
>> YES.
I MEAN, NOT ME PERSONALLY, BUT IN TERMS OF GETTING THE 9/11
BILLS PASSED.
MITCH MCCONNELL HAS BEEN THE WHITE WHALE OF THIS SINCE 2010.
>> STEPHEN: YES, MITCH MCCONNELL IS THE WHITE WHALE.
( LAUGHTER ) IN THAT HE HAS BEEN ACTING LIKE
A HUGE MOBY DICK.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WELL, THIS MORNING, MCCONNELL WENT ON "FOX AND FRIENDS" AND
TOLD JON STEWART THAT WHEN IT COMES TO PROVIDING HEALTHCARE
FOR 9/11 FIRST RESPONDERS, HE SHOULD JUST CHILLAX.
>> WHY HAS IT ALWAYS SEEMED LIKE THE VOTE COMES AT THE LAST
MINUTE?
>> WELL, MANY THINGS IN CONGRESS HAPPEN AT THE LAST MINUTE.
WE NEVER FAILED TO ADDRESS THIS ISSUE, AND WE WILL ADDRESS IT
AGAIN.
I DON'T SEE WHY HE'S ALL BENT OUT OF SHAPE.
>> STEPHEN: WELL, SENATOR, I DON'T THINK--
>> WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS GUY?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: JON, NOW THAT I'VE
GOT YOU HERE-- ARE YOU BENT OUT OF SHAPE, JON?
>> NO!
NO!
NO, MITCH McCONNELL, I'M NOT BENT OUT OF SHAPE.
I'M IN FINE SHAPE.
WELL, I'M OUT OF SHAPE.
I'M REALLY MORE PIZZA CRUST THAN MAN AT THIS POINT.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT I'M NOT BENT OUT OF SHAPE.
I'M BENT OUT OF SHAPE FOR THEM.
THESE ARE THE FIRST HEROES AND VETERANS AND VICTIMS OF THE
GREAT TRILLIONS-OF-DOLLARS WAR ON TERROR.
AND THEY'RE CURRENTLY STILL SUFFERING AND DYING AND IN
TERRIBLE NEED.
YOU WOULD THINK THAT WOULD BE ENOUGH TO GET CONGRESS'
ATTENTION.
BUT APPARENTLY, IT'S NOT.
>> I THINK HE WAS SHOCKED THAT WHEN HE WAS APPEARING BEFORE
THAT COMMITTEE.
SO FEW MEMBERS SHOWED UP THAT DAY.
>> WELL, THAT FREQUENTLY HAPPENS, BECAUSE MEMBERS HAVE A
LOT OF THINGS GOING ON AND THE SAME TIME, AND IT SOUNDS TO ME
LIKE HE IS LOOKING FOR SOME WAY TO TAKE OFFENSE.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) >> I FEEL LIKE AN ( BLEEP ).
( LAUGHTER ) YOU KNOW, STEPHEN, NOW I FEEL
STUPID.
THIS WAS A HUGE MISUNDERSTANDING.
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT THEY WERE BUSY.
( LAUGHTER ) OH, BOY.
NOW I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
I DIDN'T MEAN TO INTERRUPT THEM WITH THEIR JOBS!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HONESTLY, MITCH McCONNELL,
YOU REALLY WANT TO GO WITH THE "WE'LL GET TO IT WHEN WE GET TO
IT" ARGUMENT FOR THE HEROES OF 9/11?
LISTEN, SENATOR, I KNOW YOUR SPECIES ISN'T KNOWN FOR MOVING
QUICKLY.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: WOULD THAT BE A
TURTLE REFERENCE, JON?
( LAUGHTER ) >> YEAH, A LITTLE RED MEAT FOR
THE BASE.
A LITTLE RED MEAT FOR THE BASE.
BUT, DAMN, SENATOR, YOU'RE NOT GOOD AT THIS ARGUMENT THING.
BASICALLY, WE'RE SAYING, YOU LOVE THE 9/11 COMMUNITY WHEN
THEY SERVE YOUR POLITICAL PURPOSES, BUT WHEN THEY ARE IN
URGENT NEED, YOU SLOW WALK, YOU DITHER, YOU USE IT AS A
POLITICAL PAWN, AND YOU DON'T GET THE JOB DONE COMPLETELY.
AND YOUR ANSWER TO THAT IS "YEAH, DUH!
WE'RE CONGRESS.
THAT'S HOW WE DO!" ( LAUGHTER )
BUT THE TRUTH IS, THAT'S NOT HOW CONGRESS DO.
THAT'S HOW THE KIDS WOULD SAY IT.
>> Stephen: OH.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: THAT'S HOW YOU,
MITCH McCONNELL, DO.
WE'VE SPENT A YEAR COMPILING BIPARTISAN COSPONSORS AND
ADVOCATES FOR THIS BILL, ALL IN THE HOPES THAT WHEN IT FINALLY
GETS TO THE GREAT MITCH MCCONNELL'S DESK, YOU WON'T
SO, YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY THE 9/11 COMMUNITY IS BENT OUT OF
SHAPE, OVER THESE PAST, LET'S CALL IT 18 YEARS?
MEET WITH THEM.
AND DON'T MAKE THEM BEG FOR IT.
YOU COULD PASS THIS THING AS A STAND-ALONE BILL TOMORROW.
MEET WITH THEM TOMORROW.# BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
ACTUALLY, IF YOU'RE BUSY, I GET IT.
( LAUGHTER ) JUST UNDERSTAND THAT NEXT TIME
WE HAVE A WAR, OR YOU'RE BEING ROBBED, OR YOUR HOUSE IS ON
FIRE, AND YOU MAKE THAT DESPERATE CALL FOR HELP, DON'T
GET BENT OUT OF SHAPE IF THEY SHOW UP AT THE LAST MINUTE, WITH
FEWER PEOPLE THAN YOU THOUGHT, AND DON'T ACTUALLY PUT IT OUT,
JUST SORT OF LEAVE IT SMOLDERING FOR ANOTHER FIVE YEARS.
BECAUSE THAT'S HOW THINGS ARE DONE AROUND HERE, MISTER.
I'M SURE THEY'LL PUT IT OUT FOR GOOD WHEN THEY FEEL LIKE GETTING
AROUND TO IT.
NO OFFENSE.
>> STEPHEN: JON STEWART, EVERYONE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH DAX
SHEPARD!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )