I've been quite brave with my choice of car, Fiat Barchetta.
I used to have one of these, but this isn't just any Barchetta.
It's a Riviera Special Edition.
Black paint, red quilted leather, it's beautiful.
You haven't been brave. You've been stupid.
-It's beautiful! -It's stupid. It's a Fiat.
-Look at that. -I have been a wise man.
I have bought a Mazda MX-5.
Yeah, the boring, obvious choice.
That's why I originally bought myself one of those.
Yes, because, listen, every time we do one of these trips,
every time, I get the interesting car that's in a cloud of steam.
This time, wherever we're going, this will make it. You know that.
As you'd expect, I've been the wisest and I've done this properly.
I've combined European stylishness
with legendary German reliability, in this BMW Z3.
I didn't know... We're banking, aren't we?
I didn't know you could get a Z3 for less than £3,500.
-You can't. -Well, how much did you pay for it?
I rounded it up.
-How...? -£3,966.
Well, that's more than the budget. You've spent too much!
So, we're not three wise men.
We're one wise man, an idiot and a cheat.
We then started wondering where we might be going.
Oman?
Is it China?
Well, if they came from the East, Norfolk.
Well, I'm telling you, wherever the hell that is, it's not Norwich.
We'd find out soon enough, though,
because it was time to take our seats for landing.
There we go. Seatbelt fastened.
Throttling back, approach to something.
What the hell are they doing?
Oh, my God!
-Oh, my God! -Where the hell is that?
Oh, no!
Hammond! Put your handbrake on!
If the straps break, I'm...
I just saw a runway.
Undercarriage is down. Here we go. We're landing.
Here we are, levelling off. Levelling off.
Land it! Land it!
Please, land!
What's he doing?
He's missed the runway.
We're coming in again.
Land it this time, sunshine.
-We're down. -Whoa!
Well, we're here. Wherever here is, we've arrived.
And now we'd find out exactly where here was.
You can't tell anything by looking out there.
Look who's arrived. We have the...
What are they?
They are flak jackets.
-Wow. -Why?
-That is real bullet-proof. -Kevlar.
Bullet-proof jackets.
What have we got to do?
-Oh, God. -What?
-Go on. -"You have landed in Iraq."
-I've heard of that. -Give up.
"Bethlehem is 1,200 miles away,
but between here and there, there are a few wars.
Best of luck
and don't forget to pick up some gold, frankincense and myrrh on the way.
Yeah, enough of the myrrh and stuff, but Iraq?
-That's Iraq? -That is Iraq.
Oh, God.
Well, we've got to get off the plane.
Well, you go first.
I can't go first, can I? 'Cause you're parked in the way.
Can we get...
-Hang on... -We'll all go at the same time.
-Yeah, we'll be right behind you. -We all just go three, two, one, go.
Everybody know what we're doing?
We'll go on three, two, one, all three out, decent speed, yeah?
Yeah.
-Yeah. -Okay.
Is everybody running?
Handbrakes off.
Anybody want to talk about anything? No, let's just do it.
Okay, right, if we're ready. In...
three, two, one, go!
You bastards!
Did you stall?
Yes, I did.
I'm taking evasive action.
-Where are you? -Did you make it?
I'm alive. I'm hiding in a big shed.
Right, James, in three, two, one, go.
Here we go.
Come on!
You... [bleep] Where were you?
I'm really sorry, Hammo.
Whatever! Thanks for leaving me on my own to draw the fire.
Right.
Having successfully covered 300 yards,
we got the map out, so we could plan our next move.
According to the sign on the back of that fire engine over there...
we are in Arbil, here.
Bethlehem's there.
So, first thing's first, you would agree,
we've got to get out of Iraq as quickly as possible.
Now, the nearest border's Turkey, but there's no road up there,
so if we go into Iran...
Yeah, but hang on.
-Bethlehem's over here, isn't it? -Yeah.
Well, that's the way we want to go.
Yes, through places like Mosul and Baghdad, perhaps.
Have you ever seen a television programme called the news?
I'm aware of it.
-Trust me, Mosul is properly dangerous. -It's really bad, is it?
That's as bad as it gets anywhere in the world right now.