- How do you know if the person
that you're seeing is emotionally healthy
or emotionally toxic or not emotionally mature enough
to handle the challenges.
Because as you choose
who you're gonna partner in life with,
I believe that decision becomes the person
who has the most influence in your life.
That person is either gonna be a force
for helping you overcome the challenges
that the two of you are facing,
or that person is gonna be a force
for amplifying the challenges.
That person is either gonna help you make moments fun
and peaceful and enjoyable,
or they're gonna add to the drama
and exacerbate small moments turning them into fights.
So how do you know if the person
that you're seeing is emotionally healthy?
Today, we're gonna look at five signs
that let you know they're emotionally healthy
versus emotionally toxic.
Check it out. (upbeat music)
Hey there, my name is Mat Boggs,
and I'm the founder of the Love & Relationships division
of the Brave Thinking Institute
where our mission is increasing love in the world
one heart at a time.
And today we're talking about signs
that he is emotionally healthy.
Wayne Dyer has this great story
where he says you take an orange and you squeeze it.
What comes out?
Orange juice.
Why does orange juice come out?
Because that's what was in there in the first place.
When you have partnered with somebody,
you better believe that life is gonna squeeze both of you.
And when life squeezes you, what comes out?
It was what was in there in the first place.
And so we're gonna look at five signs
that when life squeezes you,
how does he respond in those moments?
And the difference between an emotionally healthy response
versus a toxic response.
Sign number one is he can say that he's sorry.
You know, it takes an emotionally healthy person
to admit when they're wrong, when they make a mistake,
when they fumble the ball,
when they break an agreement,
when they don't live up to their end of the bargain.
It takes someone who's emotionally healthy to say
"You know what? I screwed up."
Because the emotional healthy person knows
that their behavior doesn't define who they are;
their behavior isn't their identity.
If someone's got resistance
to simply saying I'm sorry I screwed up,
that resistance stems
from this deep rooted sense of insecurity.
It's this insecurity that if I'm not perfect,
if I'm not right in every moment,
then I'm not gonna be enough, I'm not gonna be worthy,
I'm not gonna be loved,
and you do not want that kind of person in your life.
So is the person you're with emotionally healthy enough
to admit when they've made a mistake and say they're sorry?
Number two is he can talk about his deeper emotions,
specifically sadness and fear.
And here's why, often men, we get categorized
in we don't feel things deeply
or we don't have a spectrum of emotions
and it's just not true.
We absolutely do.
But it is true that we often have conditioning
that it's not okay to be afraid
because being scared isn't manly,
or it's not okay to be sad because being sad isn't manly.
I have the blessing of having an amazing father in my life,
a father who demonstrated that it was okay to feel things,
demonstrated that it was okay to express emotion.
I always remember the first time
I saw my father break down in tears
and he had spent 10 days at this silent meditation retreat,
not speaking for 10 days.
And he comes home and he embraces my mom and he just cries.
And I remember feeling shocked and unnerved.
It was the first time I'd seen my dad cry like this.
And I remember thinking,
"Well, this isn't what men are supposed to do."
and then he took me and he sat me on his lap
and he told me how much he loved me,
told me how much he missed me,
and he had tears coming down his face.
It was the first time that I saw
that it was okay for a man to show emotion.
And I feel very blessed to have attracted men in my life,
great long lasting the friendships
that they can talk about what they're scared about
going on in work or what they feel sad about.
And you want a man who's able to connect
to those emotions as well.
Not just able to be angry at something,
but get underneath that to say,
"What might I be scared about?
What might I be sad about?"
and to share that with you.
Number three is he's done his forgiveness work.
Listen, if you're human, you've got forgiveness work to do.
Whether it's from a crappy childhood,
whether it's from someone who betrayed you
or your heart being broken.
There's some sort of forgiveness work for all of us to do,
even if it's forgiveness work of ourselves,
a mistake or an error that we made.
There's a really good friend of mine
who grew up with a really tough childhood.
His father beat him, his father choked him,
and used a belt on him and all kinds of physical abuse.
And instead of just harboring that emotion
and suppressing all of that anger,
this man has gone to counseling,
this man has figured out how to rise above that,
this man has figured out
how to become a better man for that.
And now when he talks about his father,
you can tell there's not all this resentment
or anger towards him but there's forgiveness and compassion.
And he set himself free.
You don't want a partner in your life
who's not willing to do that work and walk that journey.
It doesn't mean that we have to be perfect at this
but it does mean
that he's willing to do the forgiveness work,
so he's not harboring all that resentment.
In fact, it's the forgiveness work
that often is the biggest barrier for us opening our hearts
and really allowing love in in the first place.
So if that's something that you would love support with,
if you've been struggling with how to forgive the past,
release the past, heal the past and move forward,
our program Manifest Your Man
would be a wonderful support for you
because the whole first section
of that program is all inner work,
and you do some amazing forgiveness work,
some amazing release work,
so you can move forward in your love life with power,
with grace and attract someone even faster.
So if that is interesting to you,
click the link in this video.
You can fill out a form to learn more about
how that process could serve you.
Number four is he's compassionate with himself
and compassionate with you.
He doesn't hold himself to these impossible standards
and then berate himself
when he doesn't achieve those standards.
If he falls short and he makes a mistake,
he's compassionate with himself.
He owns it, as we've talked about before,
but he's also compassionate, doesn't beat himself up,
and he offers that same compassion to you.
If you make a mistake, if you fall short, he says,
"You know what? That's part of life."
and he's willing to help compassion
in a soft place for you to fall.
Because the degree to which we're able
to offer ourselves compassion and patience
and understanding is directly related to the degree
that we can offer that to someone else in our life.
And number five is he sets healthy boundaries.
And what this means is in life,
there are more opportunities that come our way
than we have time to say yes to.
And he is able to distinguish between opportunities
that really fit inside the life that he wants
and are gonna lead him to where he wants to go
and opportunities that really are outside
of the life that he wants,
opportunities that are more like obligations
or someone else's dream,
and he's able to say no to those things.
He's able to determine is this aligned with my values,
is this aligned with my spiritual values,
is this aligned with who I am and the life that I want?
And if it's not, he can say no to that opportunity
and let it go.
What a great healthy practice for, really, all of us.
So there you have it,
the five signs that your man is emotionally healthy.
My question for you is what signs have you noticed?
When you're dating someone you're like,
"Wow, this person is really healthy.
They've done their work."
What signs have you noticed?
Post those in the comment section below.
I appreciate you. Here's to your amazing love life.
And thanks for watching.
(upbeat music)