- Today we taste the apocalypse.
- Let's talk about that.
(alarm ringing)
(upbeat music)
(fire crackling)
Good Mythical Morning.
- Today, I'm gonna get transformed
into a human chocolate fountain.
- Because why not?
- No reason to not.
- But first, I can hardly contain myself
because what we're about to do
involves two of my favorite things,
food and the apocalypse.
When we heard that televangelist Jim Bakker
was selling doomsday food stored in buckets,
we knew we had to get our hands on one.
- So we did and now we're gonna eat it and rank it.
It's time for,
♪ It's the end of the world as we know it ♪
♪ And I've got buckets ♪
- Now you may remember Jim Bakker from back in the day
when he and his wife Tammy Faye
were asking people to give them money
to do things like build a giant holy theme park.
- [Link] Yeah.
- Well, he went to prison for accounting fraud
but now he's back and he's selling giant buckets
of non-perishable apocalypse food.
This came to our attention because Vic Berger
has made some hilarious edits of Jim
and his new wife selling the food, check it out.
- Dump this in with the rice.
There it goes, we're dumping 22 gallons into the rice.
There we go. - Wow.
- Into the rice.
Oh my.
(applause)
But if the world's on fire,
there's not gonna be anybody there to put it out.
- [Lori] Wow.
(laughing)
- Wow.
I mean the music's added by Mr. Vic Berger.
- Yeah, I mean they're great to watch in the original form.
- He's an editing hero of ours at this point,
shout out to him.
I just wanna say, we do not endorse Jim
or his food but we sure do wanna eat it and rank it.
- Yeah we do!
- So, let's take a look at what we got here.
- See if you can lift this big ol' bucket up, Link.
(groaning)
Okay, now there's several types of Jim Bakker buckets,
we got the Tasty Pantry bucket for $175.
Now you can see that it doesn't have
Jim Bakker branding on it
but this is the brand that he sells.
We call it the Jim Bakker bucket
but he's actually selling this farms.
- Food storage. - Augason farms.
- Emergencies.
- Okay, so this thing has 18 food varieties,
individually packaged, 283 servings,
a total of 49,390 calories, total of 28 pounds of food,
a shelf life of 25 years, and you know what?
There's a bonus of 60 servings of honey powder.
- And when it's all done,
you can just fill it up with your crap.
I seriously think you can turn this into a toilet.
- I think I may have seen them advertise that.
- Okay, now obviously we're not gonna eat every single food
that's sold in the Jim Bakker bucket,
so we picked out the ones that appealed to us the most
and we're gonna rank them according to this scale.
- Yes, we've got 28 Diarrheas Later,
the Crapture, Lickin' My Apaco-lips,
World War Z-licious, and Armageddon-er done!
Let's do this.
(man screaming)
- Alright, the cheese pizza comes in three packets,
pizza crust, or bread stick dough, it's what it's called.
Pizza sauce, not a lot in there.
And cheese topping. - That's all you need.
- Add some water and then you throw it in an oven
to bake it for 12 to 15 minutes at 425 degrees.
- Yeah, so in the event of an apocalypse,
all you need is a full functioning kitchen
to bake this thing and this is what you get.
- It says there's eight servings but that's six slices.
- Well you could cut it a little bit smaller, I guess.
- And you gotta put yourself in an apocalyptic mind frame
because it's kind of like camping
everything tastes better. - Everything tastes better.
(crew laughing)
- Dink it. - Dink it.
Sink it.
- I can tell you right now, in this normal setting
where I can have access to any type of pizza I want.
- Yeah.
- This is not stellar.
- This makes Cici's look like something on Master Chef.
(crew laughing)
- The dough is very. - Bready.
- [Link] Powdery.
- But I mean it lasts for 25 years.
The ingredients in this,
- Inside your body? - Contributed to this.
Yeah, stays in your stomach for 25 years.
- I mean, it's not horrible.
The sauce has some sort of,
it seems to have some sort of pepperoni meat flavor to it.
- The topping is not horrible, the bread though, man.
That's apocalyptic bread.
- It's not horrible.
- I think we just gotta put it in the middle, right?
- Yeah, for now.
Rest it right there on Lickin' My Apaco-Lips.
Let's go deeper into the apocalypse.
- Yeah.
(man screaming)
Alright, now we've got the creamy potato soup.
This one is super simple.
- Super? - Yeah.
- Simple.
- You just take this and you mix it with some boiling water
and you get this creamy potato soup.
- [Link] Look at that.
- Now we actually found a clip
of Jim tasting this himself, let's watch.
- I wanna eat some more of this if you're not careful.
(serene music)
It's so good, oh my God.
(laughing)
- So good, you'll choke on it.
(coughing)
- Excuse me sir, what's the soup of the day?
Oh, it's (coughing).
- Nobody chokes like Jim Bakker, you know?
Nobody chokes on soup.
- You know what, I think that's not a beard or mustache,
that's just him and his lapping up soup for days
and it's hardened.
- It's just old soup.
- Oh gosh.
It's lumpy, man.
Dink it.
Oh!
(choking)
- Oh my God!
(choking and laughing)
You can induce choking on yourself with soup.
- Back in the day, I would watch some Jim Bakker
just for the entertainment value.
- Oh yeah, so entertaining.
Again, I'm trying to put it on that scale
of apocalyptic food.
It's not gonna taste fresh because it ain't.
- It tastes like bad bread.
- I see a lot of ingredients, though.
Wow, I can't even begin to read all of them.
- [Link] Lots of preservatives and stuff?
- [Rhett] There's several preservatives.
- I don't think, well I don't know, it's tough,
is this better than the pizza?
- It's really just a tough call, man.
- The reason why I don't think it's better than the pizza
is just the consistency makes me uncomfortable, you know?
- You don't want to be uncomfortable.
- Right, right.
- That's not good for anybody. - Right.
- So put it at four, Crapture.
- It tastes bad, too, did I mention that?
- It's not good and I'd say three bites in,
I do not want to finish the bowl.
- Yeah, it's getting worse.
- But I'm like, you know what,
my life is not currently at risk.
(man screaming)
- Now before we taste these black bean burgers,
we found a clip of the Jim Bakker show
where a guy in a Hawaiian shirt named Kevin
sings a song about Bakker's buckets and the end times
to the tune of My Girl. - Yes.
- In the first verse says,
I've got burgers made of beans, they're never fried.
Saw the chips and salsa, keeps me warm way deep inside.
- Of course it does.
- But it's the chorus that I want you
to experience from Kevin.
♪ I guess you'd say ♪
♪ Jim and Lori helped me be prepared today ♪
♪ For end times ♪
♪ Oh, these end times ♪
♪ End times ♪
- End times!
(Link singing)
Oh man, I love those people.
- Oh my goodness.
- Okay Link. - Those people.
Alright, so, we've got buns,
which come separate from the black bean but we're gonna,
oh gosh, that is a solid, that is a heavy thing.
- So these buns actually are not part of the burger package
but they're part of the overall bucket.
It's like a honey wheat thing,
so we were like, why not make them into the buns?
- It smells good.
Black bean burger doesn't smell bad either.
Make that into a song.
♪ Black bean burger doesn't smell bad either ♪
- Yeah, we're gonna call Kevin right after this.
- End times!
- Me and Kevin and our shirts, we'll get right along.
- Now hold on, you're adding ketchup,
there's no ketchup in the Jim Bakker bucket.
- Yeah but there's a lot of ketchup in the apocalypse,
I mean that's one of the few things,
I mean think about that,
there's whole shelves, you go in there.
- I'm not eating anything that's not in the bucket.
I don't know where that ketchup's been in the apocalypse,
it could be laced with something.
- No, this is one I found in like
an old Walmart, it was sealed.
I did have to kill somebody to get it.
But after I murdered an entire family to get this ketchup.
- Wow.
- I'm gonna put it on my freaking burger.
- End times!
(Rhett singing)
Okay, I'm not because I'm a apocalyp-purist.
- Apocalyp-purist. - Dink it.
- I do respect that, oh did it backwards.
- Slam it hard, okay?
Slam it!
- You're gonna break it.
- This is the apocalypse, man, everything's more aggressive.
- That's not bad, man.
- Whoa, that's dry, needs ketchup, woo!
- Yeah, that's a good way to do it.
- That's better.
- That's how everybody chews in the apocalypse is like.
- Oh goodness.
You gotta nod your head in order to get it down.
- It's not bad at all.
- It's so thick, I mean everything that I'm sending down
the elevator is just piling up, I can feel it.
We're only this deep in the ranking.
- Just have the burger by itself.
- Okay.
- I mean, that's a standard fare black bean burger,
in my mind, I mean not something I get at a restaurant
but something you get as frozen.
Put it up there, oh you put it at number one,
kind of one, two, one, two-ish.
- Yeah, right there in the middle a little bit.
- Okay, black bean burger, taking an early lead.
(man screaming)
- Who are we kidding, this is all just camping food
with lots of preservatives.
I mean, there's lots of these buckets
that you can buy in REI and everywhere else.
Even this one, it's not Jim Bakker certified,
he's just got a deal with them
to punch it through on his show, you know?
- But I think the difference is,
there's more preservatives, it can last longer
and it comes conveniently portioned into buckets.
You gonna go camping with this bucket?
You'll be the jerk with the bucket?
No, don't be the jerk with the bucket.
- Simmer on low heat for 15 minutes,
let stand for two to three minutes, dink it.
- Now I'm a little bit excited about this one.
- There's some promise.
- I'm getting a big ol' bite. - Oh goodness.
Tastes like dog food.
(crew laughing)
You know like, Gravy Train, when you wet dog food?
This is abso-freaking-lutely, astoundingly,
shockingly, rapturey horrible.
I can't even, it tastes like dog food.
- How do they achieve that?
Are we sure this isn't the dog food?
- [Chase] We're sure.
- Because dog's gotta live through the apocalypse, too.
- Dog gotta eat.
Feed this to your dog in the apocalypse, if he'll eat it.
You know, oh gosh, I mean, I am shocked.
I mean, with how bad it is.
(man screaming)
- Who says you can't have
a little pudding in the apocalypse?
- Yeah. - Not Jim Bakker.
- Now I'm afraid that this might
petrify my stomach for posterity, you know?
- [Rhett] I don't understand what you mean by that.
- Like my stomach feels like it's rock hard right now,
like it's just petrifying.
- I think it's still food product.
Now, this one again, you just mix with water
but you gotta mix it with cold water
and then you gotta chill it.
So you gotta find some way to chill it
and that might be, are you going in already?
- I'm sorry, I couldn't resist.
I'm thinking, how can you get pudding wrong?
It's just pudding but then I tasted it.
This is the worst pudding I've ever tasted.
- They got it wrong. - It's so bad.
- They got pudding wrong.
We got pudding wrong, that could be the new slogan.
We even got pudding wrong.
- I mean, how do you do that?
- End times!
- All the pudding you buy, I mean,
you can just as easily buy powdered boxed pudding.
It won't last for 35 years.
- Is that the thing, is that pudding that you
just get from jello doesn't last for 25 years?
- It must not.
- I'd be willing to take my chances
on some 25 year old jello pudding before I eat this again.
- I mean.
- It's not worse than the stroganoff
but the expectations with pudding are so high.
- I know, I was excited,
that's why I couldn't wait to eat it.
There's like sawdust in it is what it taste like.
- Maybe that's what you need,
maybe you need sawdust in the end times.
- Yeah, just build you a little home.
- So alright, I feel like the scale is shifting, right?
Is this it?
Is this what we're saying?
- I believe this is it.
This stroganoff is the low end of nasty,
the pudding is giving it its run for its money,
and then you got things that, hey, might make you happy.
You know, I'd much rather eat
these three things than a relative.
- Right, that's true.
- [Link] But not these two.
- There you have it, the definitive ranking
of the best Bakker bucket apocalypse food.
None of it's really great but when the apocalypse happens,
at least you'll know what food to stock up on.
- And you know what, the world's not over yet
and neither is this episode.
Keep watching to see me get turned into
a human chocolate fountain.
- [Rhett] Dear mythical beasts of the land down under,
we're coming to see you in July.
Get tickets and details on the VIP package
at tourofmythicality.com.