I recently was on a podcast with two male colleagues. In the discussion it
came up, "Why do you think couples are so unhappy dating right now?" Well this is
a complicated issue, but I think one of the big reasons, as an intimacy sex
therapist, is because sex has become recreational. It's fun.
I mean, people expect it. They have fun with it. Although it's thought of as
it's no big deal, it is a big deal. In fact, I think it's one of the main
reasons that these relationships don't last.
You can't nurture a long-term relationship that is only about sex.
Today on Reaction Reset, we're talking about what happens when sex becomes
recreational and true emotional intimacy is lost.
When sex is expected and it's become recreational basically what happens is a
long-term emotional connection is forfeited. The sex of the
relationship is taking the priority. You know sex feels good, it's enjoyable, but
it's the coming together of the heart and soul that
emotional intimacy adds to it. So if you try to have a long-term relationship and
it's based primarily on the physical aspect of sex, you can understand why
that can't hold you together. You can't build a future based on something that's
superficial and physical only. What I see with people today is that they they
express more feelings of loneliness cynicism; they become jaded in their
dating life. This most likely is because they're in relationships that may be
feeding their body but they're not feeding that feeling of connection that
people need. That feeling that you belong together - that you're making a vision -
that you're creating a life. Instead it's kept on the surface level of feeling
physically satisfied if sex is expected. All of a sudden, you began feeling
like this person doesn't really know you intimately at all. They just want your
body. Maybe you're looking for something more special - a connection that makes you
feel like your top priority, a connection that makes you feel like someone's
really got your back, a connection that you matter to someone, that
they know all these little things about you. If you're looking for more of that
in the relationship, that means that you're looking for emotional intimacy.
I'm going to list four ways that you can take your relationship
from a recreational physical relationship to a deeper, more
special, emotionally close relationship. I do have a disclaimer; that is that
both partners have to be willing and wanting to have a more emotionally close
relationship. You can't make someone go from a recreational intimacy to a
full-blown emotional one. It doesn't work that way.
The first tip begins with you. Wanting a deeper emotional relationship is a sign
of health. It's a really good sign. It's important, though, that you begin to
understand that you are going to be the change. When you say I wanted more
emotion, you're asking to be valued more, you're wanting more respect, you're
wanting to feel more confident, you're wanting to know that someone else values
you and wants to know you on all the levels of you not just one. So, basically,
wanting a emotional relationship is saying that you are ready to take on and
deal with the broken parts of yourself. I want you to remember no
relationship can cure brokenness within. Each of us has to do that on our own.
The next tip is practice your communication. You know every couple has some trouble
with communication, but if you're going to make your communication in the
relationship more about emotional connection, that means the first thing
you need to do is you really need to listen to each other. That means shut
those screens down because when you really listen to someone, you validate
them, especially if you're creating the depth in the relationship. It means when
your partner says, "I had a bad day at work," you don't just go with that and go
back to your TV program. You stop and you say, "Oh really? What happened?"
You empathize with them. "Wow, that would have made me feel bad," and then you complete
it with saying something, "Well I still think you're awesome," or whatever it is.
You're showing your partner that you have their back, and their weakness
at work or wherever doesn't scare you. Be sure to put them on your schedule.
This doesn't sound romantic, but it's so important. Every day you should have on
your schedule '20 minutes with my partner.' That 20 minutes is for emotionally
connecting. It's for talking with them. Psychologists have found that 20 minutes
a day practiced by the couple with being exclusive face-to-face and just talking
about whatever improves relationships significantly. Not only that, but when you
give someone 20 minutes of your time, you're telling that person, "You matter to
me. I care most about you." Because you're not trying to do other jobs while
they're talking. Not only that but you're listening to what they say.
Finally, be more appreciative and thoughtful about doing little things
throughout the week for your partner. Something as simple as writing on a
lunch napkin and putting it in their purse or their satchel (whatever they
carry to work) you're telling your partner, "I am there with you. I'm thinking
of you." It doesn't have to be a big deal, guys, it can be a text. It can be, you
know, realizing I have 15 minutes before I get home and I'm a little bit
ahead of time. I'm going to just stop - get your partner a little treat. These things
are so important. Don't forget you should never go to bed without telling
your partner verbally with a touch on the back of their neck or a hug around
their shoulders something they did that day that you appreciated. You can start
in the morning and go all day, but I tell you as a practicing psychologist, knowing
how powerful this is. I do it in my own relationship every day. Experts in the
field of sex and intimacy will tell you that sex alone will not help a
relationship survive. Relationships thrive on emotional intimacy. It's one
thing that you cannot replace in any long-term relationship - the ability to
feel respect, the ability to feel like this person is totally with you, the
ability to feel like you matter to this one person. I cannot imagine a great
relationship without emotional connection.
Remember change your reaction, change your world