For decades, the exact science of waifus has been a mystery,
as our collective understanding of these entities and the ways humans react to them
continue to baffle scientists to the modern day.
So today, I would like to present my findings to you - the board -
in hopes that one day this research can be expanded on and completed.
[Music]
As far as we can tell, Waifus are horrific Lovecraftian beings of unknown origin
with the power to destroy entire species by inhibiting their desire to breed.
While we have been able to prevent this so far with the human race,
as time has gone on, their attacks have only become more effective,
and we get closer to the possibility of mass extinction every day.
The widely accepted root of the word 'waifu' stems from the butchered Japanese pronunciation of the English word "wife",
which has become the adopted explanation by popular culture.
But recent studies have suggested that the word actually comes from an abbreviation to the question, "WAIFU?"
"Why am I forever unloved?" - as the entities themselves serve as an answer to that question.
The exact appeal of waifus stem from their power to invoke a dormant gene present in all humans known as the Protecc Gene.
Once invoked, the Protecc Gene raises strong primal instincts in an individual, granting a sense of temporary euphoria,
bypassing the developed logical brain, which would usually rationalize to an individual
that spending over $100 for a JPEG printout on a bag of feathers might actually be a bad idea.
Even though the effects of the Protecc Gene is normally seen in humans,
it should be noted that animals also possess it, with the most recent case of its effects being seen in penguins,
proving that even animals are not immune to shit taste.
While there is high variance among individuals as to which waifu is most appealing to them,
a peculiar event occurs when enough anime fans gather together, as a sort of hive mind begins to form,
abandoning all sense of individuality in order to collectively determine the most superior waifu in any given set.
This event is known as the Best Girl Ultimatum,
an event that causes enough sodium chloride to form to poison the surrounding area.
Newcomers can often be confused as to what exactly constitutes a Best Girl,
but once an individual spends enough time in the community,
they may be able to develop an additional sense; a kind of sixth sense
in which, on initial viewing of a new show, they can immediately detect who will be Best Girl.
This phenomenon is known as the Compounded Anime Neural Character Exposure Response,
though it's more commonly referred to by its shortened form:
CANCER.
While there is yet to be any proven hypothesis around what makes a Best Girl in any given situation,
I would like to propose the following theory that can break down
the overall effectiveness of any given waifu in a Best Girl race.
Let's start with Personality - this can be broken down into two parts: the Depth Determiner, and Disposability.
The Depth Determiner refers to the credibility of a certain waifu, and this is a slippery slope.
Waifus are meant to represent a certain ideology within a life-partner,
and in this sense, they can almost be seen as something similar to deities.
In fact, some waifus themselves are deities.
Because hey, if an all-seeing all-knowing omnipotent being exists that could take any form,
why couldn't it be...
...a Tsundere high school girl in short skirts?
Or as some experts in Waifuology have suggested, why shouldn't it be...
*quieter* a Tsundere high school girl in short skirts?
However, it is important that they remain believable but not too believable.
Too perfect, and the entity may come off as one-dimensional, boring, and flat.
But too believable and they might become too hu-
*loud choking noise*
H-*chokes trying to speak*
HU-*chokes trying to speak once more*
- human.
Which brings us to our second criteria: disposability.
There is an abundance of choice when it comes to waifu types,
but while different personality types cater to different individuals,
a large subset may be filed as a Disposable Waifu,
in which a waifu may just feel like a reskinned version of another character.
This is not to be confused with Trash Waifus, as that refers to waifus picked up by individuals who have forsaken their humanity;
at least a bit more so than the usual anime fan.
The important thing is that if a waifu can be easily swapped out to any similar character from elsewhere
without much overall impact in-universe, it increases their disposability.
For example, if you replace Umaru with a piece of turd wearing an orange hoodie,
it would not actually make much of a difference to the in-universe narrative.
My apologies, I would like to make an amendment to that last statement.
It would actually make a massive difference.
The piece of turd wouldn't be loud and annoying.
Physical characteristics are also a very important part of any waifu, as any unique features may give them an advantage to others without them.
This includes, but is not limited to:
fangs, glasses, thigh-highs, elf ears, ponytails, twin tails, real tails, big boobs, small boobs, no boobs,
and of course, most powerful of all,
a penis.
Sex appeal is also an important factor that is split into two sections.
On one side, you have waifus with high sex appeal that people very much appreciate and find totally acceptable to lewd.
And on the other side, you have the innocent kinds that have no sex appeal whatsoever that people just
want to protect and everyone agrees that under no circumstances are they acceptable to lewd.
But people lewd them anyway.
A waifu can increase their best girl chances by appealing to a certain fetish,
but the real power comes when they allow an individual to discover a fetish they never knew they had.
However, sex appeal should never come at the cost of going against the ideology of being an ideal
dedicated life partner, as this merely increases their Thot Factor, which is a death sentence for any waifu.
Then we get to arguably the most important factor for waifu's Best Girl candidacy:
The Kawaii Coefficient.
This refers to unique attributes a waifu possesses which can be seen as 'cute'.
With a high-enough Kawaii Coefficient, even seemingly one-dimensional waifus can have a higher standing than they arguably should.
A common way to achieve this is by giving them a weird quirk.
Maybe they really like explosions, or licking people, or smelling people, or they're...
...mentally disabled, or they're a
psychotic nut-job mass murderer,
or they’re a mentally disabled psychotic nut-job mass murderer who's also
a Loli.
Whatever it is, it should be noticed that pretty much any quirk can be turned into something cute within the Laws of Waifu,
even if it makes absolutely no sense in the real world.
If she’s overly aggressive and borderline abusive,
we call that “being Tsundere”.
If she’s a wise wolf god wandering the world in human form, we call that
“Fuck you Dave, this is not Bestiality”.
And if she’s a 500-year old immortal vampire who also happens to be trapped in a Loli body, we call that
"I swear Officer, she’s totally legal”.
The rules of the real world do not apply to waifus.
In fact, through the power of anthropomorphism, anything can be a waifu.
Anything.
Cats. Ships. Horses.
Anything is fair game, so it's only really a matter of time before we see...
...anthropomorphized vacuum cleaners. *starts laughing*
Wait. Are you – ?
– are you fuckin' – ??
*in the distance* Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?
Of course, this brings us to the most complex mechanic to understand, which is known as the Waifu Meta.
The cutthroat game of Best Girl is a constantly changing landscape, with new additions continually being added
which affect the overall ecosystem, changing the effectiveness of everything we previously talked about.
An understanding of this landscape rapidly improves a waifu's standing in the current meta,
and can increase or decrease their viability for best girl in any given situation.
For instance, someone like Emilia was quite strong on release, having pretty solid base stats in every category that made her a popular pick.
But pretty soon after, she just got completely hard-countered by Rem,
giving her a loss by default where she hasn't been able to recover ever since.
Something similar happened recently between Zero Two and Ichigo from DARLING in the FRANXX,
but that was more the result of a high tier waifu being called out for a 1v1 by someone who is
clearly still trying to climb out of bronze.
The effects of the Waifu Meta are so severe that there have been time periods where
nonsensical pics such as Dio Brando and Kaiki have been viable for Best Girl,
even if science has never even classified them as waifus.
It is also able to counteract the importance of previously discussed factors.
Disposability is less of a factor if a waifu is the first to popularize a certain trend,
but a single imbalanced waifu is also able to start the revival of an old meta,
as we just saw last year with Sagiri bringing the resurgence of the Imouto Meta we hadn’t seen since 2013,
which absolutely nobody wanted but we ended up appreciating anyway.
Even someone as old as Asuka can remain relevant thanks to her constant reworks.
If this is confusing for you, then I recommend sticking to the comfort pics
that have stood the test of time and have remained viable in almost every meta.
For example, someone like Rin will always remain a strong pick, as she's in the Tsundere class, which will pretty much always be viable.
But this gives her very high synergy with her Twin Tail and Thigh-High builds,
plus having one of the best Blush skills in anime when fully maxed.
The only thing she has going against her is when Saber is counter-picked,
and even then it comes down to an even skill match-up.
In conclusion, the science behind waifus and their ability to become Best Girl is a complicated field,
and science is still a ways away from being able to find the ultimate Best Girl.
While we can rationalize a lot of the power through
Depth Determiner, Disposability, Thot Factor, and the Kawaii Coefficient
through the power of the Waifu Meta and pretty much anything being able to be turned into a waifu
- whether it be through anthropomorphization or just putting a blush effect on something -
further research is required.
But from what we have discussed today, I can conclude only one thing for certain:
Give an anime fan any object,
and they will find a way to want to stick their dick in it.
[Music]
Hey guys, hope you enjoyed that video! Thank you very much this month to:
Kmustlive, Basel, PATRICK MADSEN, VINCENT MOONEY, LAIOKEN,
and everyone else on Patreon for helping support me for this month and making this video possible.
Not too many updates today, just repeating the fact that I will be at MCM London next weekend,
so if you're about on either the Friday or Saturday and see me walking around, feel free to come say hi!
Keep an eye out on my Twitter @GiggukAZ for any updates
and just in case I have enough time to sort out a small meet-up or something like that.
Anyway, that's it from me, I've been Gigguk, and I will see you all next time!