There are two styles of communication, violent and nonviolent — and a whole spectrum in between.
Violent communication is coercive, manipulative and hurts.It includes making generalizations
and a use of language that induces fear,shame or guilt.It is often ineffective since it diverts our
attention away from clarifying our actual needs and distracts us from solving the actual conflict.
Nonviolent Communication is based on the idea that we all share universal human desires such as the
need for trust, safety,and appreciation.It allows us to empathize and think clearly.
And as a result, reach a better and more honest understanding of each other.
Nonviolent Communication follows 4 steps: observation,feeling,needs and requests.
To understand how it works, let’s imagine a college student being late for class.Old
Jay, her former teacher,would usually have just said “and here she comes again,
late Ann.”In class he then would give her a hard time and after - as his form of punishment - a
bunch of senseless assignments.Then, both would often feel bad for the rest of the day.
New Jay, who’s her current teacher, learned about Nonviolent Communication
and knows that it begins with a clear observation.
During observation he tries noticing concrete facts - things that happen at
that very moment.New Jay jots down that Ann arrived 20 minutes late and that his pulse
is up- possibly a sign of stress.Note that sharing observations should not be combined
with evaluating them, because then others can hear criticism and naturally resist.
When focusing on his feelings, New Jay connects with his heart and can learn to understand various
underlying emotions.This is important because what seems to be anger,might in fact be sadness.During
this step it is essential to distinguish feelings from thoughts.After class, New Jay shares his
observation and explains to Ann that he feels disrespected when someone is late for his class.
Knowing his needs is important because it allows him to enrich
his life , and feel at peace. If we disregard our needs or don't live
up to our values,we experience stress and frustration.Understanding that we
all have universal human needs is perhaps the most important step in the process.New
Jay tells Ann that they should find a way to respect each other's values and desires.
Lastly there is the Request which clarifies what future New Jay wants for himself
and this relationship.Clear requests are hence crucial to a transformative communication.When
we ask for concrete actions, we often find creative ways to ensure that everyone’s needs
are met. New Jay asks Ann not to come to class at all, if she happens to run later than 1 minute.
Marshall Rosenberg, who developed the model, liked to show the differences
between the communication styles with two animals.The Jackal was a symbol of aggression,
dominance and violent communication.The Giraffe with his long neck and big heart
represents a clear-sighted and compassionate speaker and nonviolent communication style.
"All violence”, Rosenberg wrote, “is the result of people tricking themselves into believing
that their pain derives from other people and that consequently those people deserve to be punished.”
What are your thoughts on this model? Share your thoughts in the comments below
and check the description for more details, and interesting links about the topic.
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