Codependency is a topic that is constantly discussed
in relationships, psychology, and in addiction groups.
Codependency is treated like a dysfunction
or like a mental disorder,
kind of like, a personality disorder, kind of like narcissism.
and those of you who have heard about codependency, know that
codependency and narcissism often go hand in hand.
But I am going to tell you today that
codependency just like narcissism,
is not actually a psychological dysfunction.
What it is is a style, albeit a dysfunctional style
of having relationships.
This is why it would take way too long to explain codependency
completely to you in just one video.
It's a whole way of being in relationships.
Codependency is a style of relationship to oneself,
the world an other people in the world.
It's a style that's ingrained early on in childhood
and maintained into adulthood.
It is the byproduct of adapting to dysfunctional human relationships.
But I have bad news for you;
Dysfunctional relationships are in fact the most
common style of relationship today.
They are the rule not the exception.
Codependency Has Nothing To Do With Dependency.
A dysfunctional relationship by definition
is a relationship where needs are met, in ways that are destructive
to one or both people in the relationship.
For example, A person may learn to meet their own needs for closeness
by denying their own personal truth.
Or a person may meet their need to never be abandoned
by keeping someone sick so they can't ever leave
because they are dependent on the caretaking that they are receiving.
Or a person may meet the other person's need to feel good about themselves
by keeping themselves small.
This list could be 5 miles long of all the ways that
a relationship can be dysfunctional in nature.
A codependent relationship and the style of relationship
that a person that we call codependent exhibits,
is dysfunctional in nature because it is destructive to both
themselves and the person they are in a relationship with.
However, we can only say that dependency
in general has anything to do with codependency
if the way that the people are dependent on each other in the relationship,
is detrimental or destructive, instead of beneficial.
There is a common misconception
relative to a codependent relationship or codependent individual,
and that is, that it is a dysfunction involving
being to dependent upon someone else.
This is not actually the case.
Personally I wish that the name for this way
of having a relationship would change.
because the name codependency suggest that dependence in general is a problem,
when it isnt.
Many people define codependency as an excessive reliance on a partner.
This isn't the case.
Where they are getting this from is the people with codependent styles
of relationship and being, have a very poor sense of self.
Their relationship strategy is to give themselves up
in order to be in a relationship, which never works.
It just makes for a horrible painful and destructive relationship.
And it makes them seem like
they are giving themselves completely away
to the person they are in a relationship with.
Which looks like complete reliance.
Those of us who inhabit the western world
are indoctrinated with the value of independence.
We are raised to believe that being dependent in any way
makes you pathetic, powerless and weak.
People in the eastern world however, are not raised with this same way of being.
They aren't raised with an addiction to independence.
To understand this dynamic of dependence versus independence
I suggest to watch some of my videos in order to be well versed on this subject.
These videos are:
"Dependence versus Independence"
"Selftrust versus Independence"
"How has it come to this? (The Societal Collapse Into Independence)"
and "Using People (Ask Teal Episode About Interdependence)"
Whether you like it or not, in this time space reality that you live in,
you are completely dependent.
You are also at the same time, incapable of being dependent.
In this universe the basic premise, the basic truth is that all is one.
Everything is made of the same energy.
It is just expressing itself in different forms.
So this means, for example you are completely dependent upon the food
that you took into your mouth from your breakfast plate this morning.
You couldn't say that you are an independent person
unless what you ate on the breakfast table was you this morning.
However if you look it at this way, everything is one,
so you are the carrot that is actually sitting on your plate,
so you are actually eating yourself.
At the same time as you are completely dependent on the food you are eating,
you are also the food you are eating so you are only ever dependent on you.
It is so open to interpretation what type of dependence is powerless
and what type of dependence is empowering.
What type of dependency is healthy and what type of dependency is not healthy.
For example, one person could be dependent
on somebody in a way that is destructive to them,
where another person could be dependent
on someone in that exact same way and it wouldnt be destructive at all
it would be beneficial, to both people.
This is the difference between symbiosis and unhealthy dependency
For example,
It might be obvious that
its probably not particularly healthy in a relationship
if somebody does absolutely everything for us.
So if we are dependent to them to the degree
that we are dependent on them to brush our teeth,
we are dependent on them to feed us,
we are dependent on them to do everything that there is to do for us
right? Unhealthy!
We've already judged and labeled it as unhealthy.
Uh oh, what if you are a child?
Or, uh oh, what if you have some kind of disability?
Now suddenly this way of being dependent isn't destructive
instead its exactly what they need.
We can therefore be in a very healthy and
fully symbiotic relationship with somebody
if we have these types of needs
and it's not destructive to us in any way to get those needs met.
Provided that we find somebody who is also enhanced
whose life is improved by meeting those needs,
as opposed to destroyed by meeting those needs.
Another example is,
we could say it's not healthy in a marriage for our partner
to dedicate their life to our life.
It could be dysfunctional if their focus is constantly on our career success
and our needs and our wellbeing.
But what if we are a politician?
Or a person in similar excessively demanding position?
When this is the case,
that kind of thing is exactly what we need in a partner.
Our relationship becomes dysfunctional the minute we find ourselves
with a partner who is made unhappy by being dedicated to us in this way
but if dedicating oneself to someone in this way
enhances a person's sense of happiness and purpose
it is perfectly functional.
Lots of dysfunctions in relationships owes itself
in fact to incompatibility.
For more information about this watch my video titled:
Incompatibility (A Harsh Reality In Relationships)
Because we all come from different life circumstances
and we all need different things to heal
and we all find ourselves in different positions in life,
the things that we need and that would
enhance our life and benefit us,
are gonna be different from person to person.
What may be completely dysfunctional for someone else
may be completely healthy for us.
I have met couples who have spent years
upon years upon years without spending
one minute really away from each other.
Meaning they are with each other 24 hours a day
where it is perfectly functional.
One could say they are dependent on each other
if they have to be with each other 24 hours a day
but for them, because its a symbiotic relationship
it doesnt destroy them in any way,
it doesn't affect their well being,
in fact it enhances it,
they are perfectly in alignment to depend on each other in that way.
I've met other couples where
if they were to try to spend every minute together,
if they were to dedicate their lives to each other,
either person in the relationship would feel diminished
by having to do that.
They would feel like something was taken away from their well being.
So what is functional and healthy for the one person,
in terms of dependency,
is completely dysfunctional and unhealthy for the other couple,
and their idea of what health and wellness is.
It is always easy to project our own idea
of what is functional,
which is usually, what we feel like we need for our wellbeing.
Without really seeing someone or feeling someone
or hearing them or understanding them.
But I can guarantee you that if you really take the time
to go into someone else's perspective,
to really hear them, feel them, see them, understand them
your idea of what a person needs
and what is functional or healthy for them
will absolutely change.
The elements of a dysfunctional
relationship can only be called dysfunctional
if they are destructive to one or the other person
or both in a relationship,
and this should be the only concern that we have
not dependency in general!
It is critical that we accept that codependency
is not about how much time you spend with someone or the degree
to which you depend on them
What codependency is really about
is the desperation for certain needs to be met.
Needs like closeness,
needs like self esteem.
And a person feeling incapable of getting those needs met directly
and therefor going in indirect ways and manipulative ways
to get those needs met.
In ways that that affects not only them, but the people around them.
Have a good week.