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today we are talking about boundaries
how to set healthier boundaries how to
have healthier relationships how to stop
doing things out of obligation or guilt
and how to stop being a people pleaser
so if you are a people pleaser and you
have a hard time saying no watch on hi
my love's welcome back to lapidaire
today I am so excited to talk about
boundaries because this is a topic that
I needed to learn a lot about myself and
I'm just excited to spread the word to
you guys to empower you to set healthier
boundaries in your life so first off
what are boundaries
so boundaries are the limits we set with
ourselves around what we will or will
not tolerate so what is okay versus what
is not okay
most of us have never even thought of
where our boundaries are and because you
have not clearly defined for yourself
and others
what your boundaries are people cross
those lines all the time and you get
hurt you overcome it you try to please
everybody and in doing that you end up
hurting yourself and you are the loser
in the end raise your hand if you've
ever said yes to something that you
really did not want to do out of
obligation and feeling bad raise another
hand if you've ever sacrificed yourself
in order to keep the peace in a
situation to make everybody else happy
I'm serious comment below with that
raised hand emoji because I'm pretty
sure that we can all relate to this so I
recently had an amazing podcast episode
all about setting boundaries with Nancy
Levin and she said this so for those of
us who have identified in our lives as
people pleasers or peacekeepers or those
of us who haven't wanted to rock the
boat afraid of conflict we've spent a
lot of time and energy managing the
perceptions of others and taking more
responsibility than as ours so we've
actually been abandoning ourself to make
sure that other people are okay instead
of checking in with ourselves to see if
we are okay
basically as people pleasers we've been
abandoning ourselves making sure that
everyone else is okay
but not checking in to see if we are
okay so let's take back our power
control how you spend your time instead
of giving everything away to everyone
stop depleting yourself and really give
yourself what you need because you have
to look after yourself
you are your number one best friend
supporter you got to have your own back
all right so let's learn how to set
boundaries and stop people-pleasing
alright so the first thing is self
awareness you need to know yourself you
need to know how you feel about things
you need to know where your boundaries
are in every situation you should ask
yourself what's my preference
what's my desire know what you want so
you can start to consider yourself and
your needs first a lot of people don't
even ask themselves this question
they're not self aware they don't know
what they want they don't know what
their needs are and because of that
other people are going to step all over
them if you don't decide other people
are going to decide for you anyway the
second step after knowing yourself your
needs and your boundaries is to
communicate and express your desires
express those boundaries so that other
people know where you stand where those
lines are because if you never express
it people won't know they're going to do
whatever they want with you they're
gonna push for what they want and that's
just how it is so this is a time to
express your truth express your honest
opinion your honest thoughts how you
feel even if it is uncomfortable even if
you're scared the other person might get
hurt even if you might offend someone
that is it because most of the time we
are too afraid to hurt other people
we're too afraid of the uncomfortable
awkward situation that we tend to hold
ourselves back we don't express our
truth we're not honest we're not
authentic and that is where the problems
start from so it is possible to
communicate directly and honestly and in
a kind way you don't have to be mean you
can just be honest and usually when you
come from a place of honesty and
kindness people will understand they're
not gonna get mad at you and if they are
then
have their own issues if not you it's
them and finally this open communication
allows you to be able to come to a
compromise with the other person because
you express your needs and your desires
they express their needs and desires and
then you kind of work it out how can we
make it so that both of us end up happy
or at the very least both of us respect
each other's decisions
okay quite honestly I'm not interested
and also can you not do that this is my
boundary I'd appreciate if you respect
that okay thank you
an important thing I gotta point out is
you are not responsible for other
people's feelings I made a video about
this for people pleasers and empaths
basically if you are very empathetic you
can predict how other people will feel
and because you don't want to hurt them
or offend them you hold back from being
you're truthful self you hold back from
being honest with them and that is the
mistake because you can't take that
responsibility for them when you do that
you're acting as if that person cannot
handle their own feelings and emotions
but newsflash how they respond to what
you say is not your responsibility it's
their responsibility even if it makes
them sad or mad that is for them to deal
with it's not for you to deal with what
you need to focus on is putting your own
needs first putting yourself first in a
way that you protect your energy why
don't you start protecting yourself
instead of trying to protect everybody
else you're trying to shield everybody
else from pain when you are the one
hurting so think of yourself protect
yourself and don't take responsibility
for other people's feelings
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next stop trying to keep the peace
stop trying to manipulate everything so
that everything is okay between everyone
I know we think of relationships as like
harmony at all costs but if you're
trying to aim for harmony always that
comes at a very high price and that
comes at the expense of your
authenticity and your well-being so stop
trying to make everything okay
everything harmonious all the time
like people aren't always going to get
along things aren't always going to be
okay you are not always going to be
liked by everybody and you have to be
okay with that
next just say no to what doesn't serve
you you have to learn to say no and say
it with grace say it with gratitude it's
okay to say no this is something I had
to learn and get better adds over time
and it's something that does get easier
with practice start with the little
things just turn it down say no but
thank you no I'm not available thank you
and eventually it'll be so much easier
and you'll feel so much freer because
you'll only say yes to the things that
you truly want also I used to think that
I had to make up an excuse when I wanted
to say no to something and it was really
hard to say no to events or
opportunities or things when I didn't
have like a real good excuse other than
I don't feel like it but I've learned
that it is okay to say no even without
any excuse no reason no explanation just
no no thank you I'm not available all
you have to do is say like thank you for
thinking of me it's just not something
that I want to do right now but I
appreciate you asking and that's it say
no with grace and gratitude guys all of
this comes back to self love learning to
love yourself
treat yourself kindly prioritize your
well-being because at the end of the day
you have to take care of the most
important person in your life and that
person is you so take care of yourself
always do what's best for yourself
because you know what everyone else is
doing what's best for them and if you're
just doing what's best for everyone else
and not yourself no one's going to look
after you no one's gonna have your back
the way that you can have your back
so I hope that this was a fun video I
had fun making it
remember it's probably gonna feel
uncomfortable and awkward when you start
setting boundaries especially if you've
never done that before
and other people are gonna be like hey
what are you doing this is something new
so it's gonna be different for everybody
but I promise you it's for the best
you're gonna be so much freer you're
gonna feel so good putting yourself
first and so good to learn to
communicate honestly because once you do
that you might realize that people
aren't as pushy as you thought people
are understanding most people are
understanding and respectful all you
need to do is learn to communicate your
needs and then you can start a dialogue
and come to a compromise a healthier way
to run your relationships rather than
being passive-aggressive thinking for
other people assuming overthinking all
of that so thanks so much for watching
and please share this video to anyone
out there who might need it because this
is a lesson that a lot of us have to
learn it's something that I'm learning
still learning but I'm getting better at
it also if you want to watch more videos
for people pleasers I have a whole
playlist right here and down below
sending you so much love I
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you