So often when you ask a couple
that's been married for a really long time,
what the key to a successful relationship is
they will say: "compromise".
Compromise is often treated like the sacred cow of relationships.
But, it's time for this outdated concept
to come to an end.
It's time for people to redefine
what they think a successful relationship is,
and to understand that if the what they want as a feel-good relationship,
then compromise is to be deliberately avoided.
When many of us are young
we do not feel accommodated and considered by our parents.
We feel like our parents are unfair,
uncooperative,
rigid and unempathetic.
They make unilateral decisions,
we feel like they're not genuinely considering
and changing and adapting to what we believe
is actually in our best interests.
But the fact that our parents were this way,
and that we couldn't really change it
means that in order to fit in into our family unit,
in order to stay safe,
and in order to get any of our needs met,
we had to actually adapt to this.
We did this by developing codependent strategies.
Remember that codependent strategies
are really covert narcissistic strategies.
We are trained that by developing these codependent strategies,
by compromising over and over again,
this makes us a good person
and a right person,
and is the only way that we're actually going to get our needs met
so we actually experience a reward for doing these things.
The problem is, is that this experience
gives rise to two very specific things.
Things that actually ruin our chances
at a positive adult relationship.
A deep wounding around not being considered,
not being accommodated for,
rigidity
and therefore, not experiencing compromise.
Therefore,
the desire for the exact opposite.
And when I say "desire", I mean desperate desire.
#2.
The completely erroneous idea
that what love is
and what it takes to make a relationship actually work
is compromise.
Not only do they do this in relationships,
they expect this in return.
To compromise is to settle a dispute or conflict
or reach agreement
by way of mutual concession.
Remember that to concede, is to yield, give up or give away
something you value.
To compromise, by definition, is to accept something
that is lower than is desirable.
You cannot do these things without experiencing pain.
By definition this means it isn't actually a win-win scenario.
People simply mistake it for one.
What you are doing
when you agree to a compromise,
is that you're essentially looking at the other person and saying:
"I'll take a little pain in this scenario,
and you take a little pain
in this scenario, or in the future."
It's going to be really really difficult
to maintain a long-term relationship
doing this.
But, you may actually be able to maintain
a long-term relationship, doing this,
but it's gonna be a painful one.
Like, you can't keep doing this thing where you're saying:
"I'll give up something that's important to me
and I'll take a little pain,
and expect it to be a feel-good relationship."
It will be a painful,
potentially, long-term relationship.
And this is why I'm telling you
it is high time that people redefine
what their definition of a successful relationship is,
because so many people see success in relationships
simply linked to longevity.
Longevity may be one element of success in a relationship,
depending on whether that's something you want in a relationship or not,
but it is far more important
that you define success in a relationship
by virtue of how fulfilled a person feels
in that relationship, or not.
And, compromise makes the feeling of fulfillment in a relationship
absolutely impossible.
But here's one of the biggest problems with this pattern:
People with this deep wounding around not being considered
and not being accommodated,
to the degree that they associate love with compromise,
don't often feel the appropriate level of pain
in the experience of concession,
because they have already formed this association
between giving something up, and being loved.
Or giving something up, and loving something so much
that it means you're such a good person.
Essentially, their wires have been crossed well enough
to not experience the normal level of pain
relative to compromise.
These people associate their own willingness to concede
so as to be in pain, as a loving act
that makes them feel good about themselves.
And they associate other people's willingness to concede
so as to be in pain,
as a demonstration of love,
as well as a confirmation of that person's goodness.
They expect people around them to compromise,
if those people do in fact, love them.
This is one of many patterns
that falls into the category of mistaking pain as love.
To understand more about this pattern, watch my video titled:
The Suffer "So I Can Feel Loved" Relationship Dynamic
The other biggest problem with this
is that a person who's in this pattern
will only be able to seek out
relationships that are by definition, incompatible.
Compatibility is when two things, (even if they're different)
are able to occur or exist together in alignment
without problems and without conflict.
In a relationship it means that well-matched characteristics
allow for both people to naturally co-exist when combined together
and in harmony.
Harmony is not difficult to achieve
with people who are actually compatible to us,
but with people who are not actually compatible to us in some way,
it's impossible!
Better put, it's impossible
when we won't acknowledge that incompatibility
and continue to try to force the scenario,
or force them to change, or force ourselves to change
so as to try to force something to be compatible, that actually isn't.
For this reason,
compromise is that sacred moral good,
because it's what's absolutely necessary
in order to try to keep an incompatible relationship, together.
I'm gonna tell you about this sacred cow
of compromise.
Okay...
When compromise was first created as a social value,
within the greater society,
compatibility was not a concern when it came to relationships,
especially marriages.
Marriages were really about keeping two people together,
no matter whether they were compatible, or not.
Marriages were established for totally other reasons.
And the couple had to make it work,
and make it work forever.
To do this with an incompatible partner,
which so many of them were,
you had to be willing to concede and take a little pain
or a lot of pain
to make it last.
therefore compromises
what you teach someone
if you want them to be in an incompatible relationship
and to make it last.
One of the best examples that I've heard anybody give
for why compromise is so often a big problem,
is the story of a married couple;
It's a man and a woman in this scenario:
The man in the scenario, the husband,
has two pairs of shoes,
one pair is brown, the other pair is black.
He loves the black, hates the brown.
She loves the brown, hates the black.
And so, in order to find that happy medium
to settle the difference, basically,
he goes out with one brown shoe and one black shoe.
What's the lesson here?
that that scenario we came up with,
or that solution or that compromise
was actually worse than either other scenario.
Going out wearing one brown shoe and one black shoe
is actually worse than just wearing the brown or the black.
A person who is looking for that feeling of adaptation,
flexibility,
change,
concession,
accommodation and compromise
especially if someone's willing to be in pain
in order to do that for them,
cannot find this experience within a compatible relationship.
No matter whether it's a partnership or friendship or work relationship,
a relationship has to, in fact, be incompatible
for one or both parties to enjoy the experience
of someone having to and being willing to concede and compromise.
Even if it hurts to do so,
in order to demonstrate their love and commitment.
For any relationship to be an actual good one,
both parties in that relationship
have to be committed to the win-win scenario.
To learn more about this, you can watch my video titled:
The Zero Sum Game in Relationships
(What is A Zero Sum Game, & How To End One)
But, a real win-win scenario
is a scenario that's a genuine "yes" for both parties.
Not a: "Well, I'm willing to concede
and take a little bit of pain for your sake."
You know that you've come up with a genuine win-win scenario
when both people come out of the experience
feeling like they found a good deal.
Not like they both had to give up something important
so as to meet at some central point
where neither is actually happy.
And the way to reliably guarantee
that you're going to be able to do that again and again,
is to realize how important
compatibility is in a relationship.
You must seek out compatibility in your relationships.
You must seek to establish relationship arrangements
that are truly compatible.
To understand more about this, watch my video titled:
Incompatibility (A Harsh Reality in Relationships)
So often, people slip into this strategy
of compromise within a relationship,
because to be quite honest with you
they do not feel like they have what it takes
to face the reality of the incompatibility
in their relationships,
because of what facing it would mean.
Compromise is actually a sacrifice.
Compromise therefore,
is a recipe for absolute resentment.
When someone makes a sacrifice in a relationship,
they consciously or subconsciously expect a payback or reward for it later.
It becomes an: "I did this for you back then,
so you need to do this for me now, scenario."
And if that payback or reward doesn't materialize,
they'll be resentful.
Resentment in a relationship is a corrosive force.
This means compromise is a ticking emotional time bomb.
it's a guarantee
that when you compromise,
you will remember having done it.
And the next time you get into a conflict,
you're going to use it as leverage
and hold it over somebody's head saying:
"I compromised last time.
In order to be a good person,
you need to compromise this time."
It becomes a form of moral blackmail.
Either you're going to do that, or you're gonna compromise again
And guess what?
you're going to end up feeling like a total doormat
that everyone just walks on.
When we compromise,
we're not actually being loving.
When we ask other people to compromise for us,
we're not actually being loving.
When other people compromise for us,
we're not actually being loved.
If by watching this episode,
you realize that you're somebody who believes or believed
in compromise,
I need you to see something and really accept it;
And it's gonna be hard.
You ready for this?
Compatibility, or the lack thereof,
suggests that there are some things
for which flexibility can exist,
and some things
for which flexibility can't actually exist.
When we compromise,
we have not actually found the win-win scenario.
What we've decided
is that a bad deal is better than no deal.
And I'm gonna tell you something,
no matter what compromise it is that you make,
you will always measure
the decision you made or the compromise you made
next to your ideal scenario,
and it will always come up short,
which is a recipe for the opposite of life satisfaction.
The bottom line is,
we compromise in order to stay safe.
We compromise in order to avoid something that we fear desperately.
This means that when we compromise,
it is not actually motivated
by what we do want,
it's motivated by what we don't want.
Settling does not lead you to a happy life.
Sacrifice does not lead you to a happy life.
To learn more about this, watch my video titled:
Self-sacrifice The Most Self-centered Thing in The World
Compromise also often leads us to bait and switching people.
And this is how it happens:
When we're initially presented with an incompatible situation
and we decide:
"Okay, I'm gonna make a compromise",
we often agree to something without really thinking through
what it will actually be like to practically apply
that concession that we just made.
To implement some concession,
is often quite different
than simply making the decision that you can do that.
So, a lot of times, and I mean most times
when people make one of these compromises
they end up in a situation
where they realize they can't actually follow through with it.
It's impossible to uphold.
This means, they eventually get led to a crossroads.
Either they have to stay in hell for the sake of integrity,
or they have to lose their integrity
and go back on their word.
When it comes to this conversation about relationships,
what really matters is not what you do for the relationship,
it's how you feel about what you do for the relationship.
A genuine win-win scenario leaves you with a good feeling.
Compromise, by definition,
doesn't leave you with a good feeling,
because when you give up something that's important to you,
you feel that internal resistance.
You feel that internal protest.
If you bulldoze that feeling
and go through with the compromise,
you will end up in ever increasing degrees of pain.
And so, to wrap up this conversation:
Compromise makes a feel-good relationship
impossible.
Compromise is the enemy of harmony.
Compromise is the enemy of fulfillment.
Therefore, the enemy of happiness.
And compromise is the enemy of actual agreement.
Have a good week.
If you liked this video,
be sure to share it, like it and also subscribe to my channel
so you can see more content like this.
But I wanna personally thank you for taking the initiative
and having the bravery to step into the space of awareness
not only for yourself, but for the benefit of those around you.
Subtitles by: Tanya Duarte www.tanyaduarte.com