("Dog on Fire")
- Do you sometimes wish that you could say,
"Screw safety, I'm just gonna grab all my friends
"and run wild through the streets"?
Well, it turns out you're not the only one.
- Invasion of the goats.
That was the scene in one neighborhood
after a herd of goats got loose.
The goats managed to knock over an electric fence
and took a leisurely stroll through the streets.
Neighbors had to open up a side gate
and lead the goats back where they were supposed to be.
Nobody was hurt, but there was some minor damage.
- [Onlooker] Hey, hey!
Hey, hey!
(grunting)
Go, go, go.
- Holy shit, did you see that?
Not one of those goats is wearing a mask.
Fauci's not gonna be happy.
I will say, though, those goats are tempting fate
running through the streets like that
when there's a meat shortage in the country.
Yeah, 'cause they could run wild in the suburbs,
but if they try that shit in the Bronx,
my Jamaican peeps will turn them into a curry like that.
What this?
Look here, a first-time goat deliver themselves this.
Who ordered Goat, mates?
But, look, man, it's clear to see what's happening here.
Humans have stayed inside for too long
and now animals have forgotten who's boss.
And you realize what that means.
When lockdown is over,
we're gonna have to fight them to take back our streets.
Yeah, as soon as quarantine ends,
the first goat I see, I'm gonna be like,
"Hey, yo, goat!
"Get into the plastic. We handling this like men."
("Dog on Fire")
Every day, we're hearing about how animals
are thriving without us.
But in Japan, it turns out that there are some animals
that just miss our face.
- A Japanese aquarium is asking people
to make video calls to their eels.
Why?
It's all to remind the sensitive creatures,
humans exist and don't pose a threat.
With a largely human-free environment
the last couple months, aquarium staff say,
when keepers try to check on the garden eels,
they hide in the sand.
In a bid to reacquaint the eels with humans,
the aquarium is setting up five tablets
and asking eel enthusiasts to connect via FaceTime.
- That's right.
Because there haven't been any visitors at the zoo,
the zoo wants people to video chat with the eels
so that they remember humans
and don't view them as a threat when people come back, yeah.
Although if you ask me,
reminding the eels about humans
will have the opposite effect.
Why is the ocean so small?
Oh, right, the humans put us in a water zoo.
Oh, and you know what the good news is?
Eels are perfectly designed for video chat.
Yeah, because if anyone tries to flash their penis
on these Zoom calls,
the eels, they're not gonna be phased.
They'll just be like, "Ah, look at that.
"Another eel on the call.
"A very strange eel.
"So small and so pale, he must be sick."
("Dog on Fire")
Here's some good news coming out of Hong Kong.
A zoo which has been trying unsuccessfully
to get its pandas to mate for 10 years
reported that finally yesterday
the pandas spontaneously started having sex.
And the researchers say
they think it's because nobody is at the zoo.
And I'm like, yeah, I don't need to be a researcher
to know that that's what happening.
Of course the pandas are having sex now that nobody's there,
how do you think you would react
if every day hundreds of people
came to your bedroom window like, "Come on, have sex, do it!
"Come on, have sex, do it, do it, put it in!"
So I don't blame the pandas.
I mean, like even when I have one person
watching me during sex I'm like, hey, can you...
Can you look the other way, I'm just getting.
Yeah, I'm just real self conscious, would you mind looking,
look the other way, it's a lot of pressure.
This just makes you realize
that when we're telling our grandkids
about coronavirus years from now
the animals are gonna be telling
a completely different story.
Grandma, tell us about the coronavirus.
Oh, little ones, it was a wonderful time.
There were no humans
and your grandpa was smashing me like there was no tomorrow.
So, good news for those pandas.
Although, the bad news is, now that nobody's watching
the monkeys have all stopped having sex.
Those guys are freaky.
("Dog on Fire")
From the beginning of time
dogs have been a man's best friend.
They give us companionship, they assist the blind,
and they don't make fun of us,
even though they've seen how bad we are at sex.
We do it the wrong way.
Well, now, dogs might be coming to the rescue again.
You see, dogs can be trained to detect diseases
like cancer and Parkinson's in patients
because of the way those diseases subtly change
a person's body odor.
Yeah, and now, researchers in Britain
are attempting to do the same thing with coronavirus.
And I mean, if you can still smell coronavirus
even after nobody has showered for, like, three days,
consider me impressed.
But that just shows you how amazing animals are.
Your dog can tell you if you have corona.
And then your cat will be there
to eat your body after you die.
("Dog on Fire")
Every day we learn how, for animals,
this time is pure bliss.
The pandas are smashing again in China.
The animals are partying in Yosemite National Park.
And now, in Philadelphia, groundhogs, well,
they're just doing this.
- On some lighter news,
it seems like Groundhog Day Part II in Pennsylvania.
- Check out this pizza-loving woodchuck in Philadelphia.
Unlike his usually shy counterpart, Punxsutawney Phil,
this one munching away at a cheese slice
while staring down a dog on the other side of the window.
The rodent now dubbed Pizza Groundhog
to rival Pizza Rat here in New York City.
- Wow.
That groundhog is a legend.
Did you see his face, you see him?
He's just eating that pizza right in their faces.
He's like if Bugs Bunny was even more of an asshole.
And this makes you realize,
this makes you realize how different
indoor animals and outdoor animals are.
Indoor animals are soft.
'Cause this groundhog is out there in the streets like,
"Oh, this?
"Yeah, yeah, I just eat pizza whenever I want.
"I guess, I guess you guys,
"you guys probably have to ask for pizza,
"like a little bitch?
"Well, at least you can still scratch your balls.
"Oh, I forgot, your owner chopped them off."
(chuckling)
And you know he's not gonna stop with those dogs, right?
You can see in that little groundhog's eyes,
he's getting cocky.
I bet next week, he's gonna come back
and start taunting us humans.
He's just gonna set up a little brunch outside the window
with all of his friends.
"Bottomless mimosas, can't do that at home!" (laughs)
("Dog on Fire")
Some news about the search for a coronavirus cure
that's very exciting and also totes adorable.
- [Reporter] A llama by the name of Winter
could actually be key to finding a cure to the coronavirus.
U.S. and Belgian scientists say
they have actually identified a tiny particle in the llama
that appears to block the virus,
and they aim to roll out human trials later this year.
- Okay, I'm sorry, guys, this is just amazing.
Llamas might have the antibodies we need
to defeat COVID- 19.
And I think I need someone to explain to me
how science actually works.
'Cause, like, how did this come about?
Were scientists just sitting around, like,
"Mike, I need you to test the virus.
"Peter, see if you can find out anything on the antibodies.
"And Steve, go play with a llama,
"see if anything comes up."
But I guess, once again, this proves
why we need to let more llamas into medical school.
If this llama can cure corona without any training,
just imagine what it can do after it reads some books.
And this is really exciting,
because if the human trials are successful,
we might have a cure.
And even if they're not successful,
we might have our first human llama superhero.
I will say though, this news
is probably gonna raise the bar for a lot of pets,
'cause people right now
are looking at their cats at home like,
"This llama is out there curing diseases,
"and what have you done lately, Mr. Whiskers?"
Now, look, this research is still preliminary
and we don't know if it'll work,
but apparently some big pharma companies
aren't waiting to find out.
- [Narrator] The coronavirus pandemic has touched us all.
But now there's hope.
With Llamanol, (bleats)
the first prescription llama.
Here's how it works.
We sent you a llama and you, uh, lick it.
Or maybe just hang around with it.
We don't think you have to eat it,
but, you know, we're not sure.
We kinda just rushed this to market.
Side effects may include llama spit,
llamas eating your lawn, llama diarrhea,
getting llama wool everywhere
and becoming a Tiger King, but for llamas.
Llamanol, tell us if it works. (llama bleats)
("Dog on Fire")
Zoom, it's the popular videoconferencing app
and the reason why one corner of your house is so clean.
And now an animal sanctuary in California
has announced a new service
where they'll be renting out their animals
to appear in your Zoom meetings.
Yeah, you can pay anywhere from $65 to $100,
and then you can have a goat, a llama,
a cow, a pig, or a turkey make a surprise appearance
on your Zoom call.
Which is all fun and games
until the goat outperforms you in your meeting.
"I'm sorry to tell you, James,
"but Scruffy really had some great ideas
"and blew you out of the water, so, uh, you're fired."
But on the real though,
this is a really novel idea.
Because, I mean, usually, the only animals we have on calls
at our company is Craig from IT.
Close your mouth when you eat, Craig!
We can see you, it's a camera.
Oh, a little advice though.
If you are gonna Zoom with animals,
please remember to be sensitive to your new coworkers
because, otherwise, things could get really awkward.
- So, to sum up, great job all around, team.
I think we're gonna land the Henderson account.
Excuse me real quick, I'm-a take a quick bite of my burger.
- [Cow] Wow.
Wow, really?
- What?
- [Cow] You're just gonna eat that burger
right in front of me?
- Oh.
That's my bad, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry about that.
- That could be my uncle, man.
How would you feel
if I just started eating your granddad on a Zoom call?
- I do not know what to say other than I am sorry.
I am so sorry for that.
(chuckles)
- [Cow] Man, I'm just playing with you, it's cool.
I eat a burger every now and then, too.
- Oh, you had me going, man, for a second, I thought...
Wait, you what?
("Dog on Fire")