Hey there. This is clay with modern love.life. In this video. We're going to
talk about what to say to your ex after no contact now, um, you know, if you've been
Looking for solutions To help you reverse your breakup, um, you've
probably heard about the no contact rule. Not going to go over that in this video. If you do
need to check it out, we do have a whole playlist on, at least my take on the whole no contact rule.
You can find that up there in that video link on what we call active no-contact, um, you know,
there are many different approaches to no contact. I know people talk about
The no contact rule, Um, but it's not like it's just one to no contact
rule, right? There's many different intentions, many different reasons, many different ways that
you might do it. I don't really recommend that you do it the way that most people do it as some
sort of manipulative mind game to get your ex to come crawling back, you have a broken shards of
glass or anything like that, Any way with that being said,
and you're getting back In contact with your ex after no contact,
you know, whether it was, you know, just for a short period of time, whether it was for a month,
whether it was for, uh, many, many months, we don't really know where they're at emotionally.
We don't know if we're going to contact them and they're going to be angry at us. We don't
know if they're going to be upset. We don't know if they're going to be really open and willing
to talk to us. We don't know if they're going to be standoffish. We don't know where they're
going to be. Um, and so what we want to start by doing is actually just putting out a calibration
sort of message. So typically what we're going to start with is, uh, just a low level of investment
message. Now there's different levels of emotional investment that you can have in a conversation and
more or less what we want to do is we want to have a somewhat, even a level of emotional investment,
uh, from both people in, in the interaction. We can talk about this later in other videos, but,
uh, basically if you're getting back in contact with your ex after, you know, not being in contact
with them for a while, their level of investment is pretty low. So you're probably going to want to
keep your level of investment at least initially pretty low. Um, so basically just send out a
calibration sort of message, just to kind of like feel them out fuel, where they are emotionally
speaking and where they are in terms of being in contact with you. This would probably be something
where you're just, you know, going about your day. Something sort of pops up that reminds you
of them. And that reminds you of some memory that the two of you had together and you just,
you know, send it off. Hey, I just saw this thing. It reminded me of the time that we did this,
uh, just couldn't help but smile about it. And I thought I wanted to share it with you.
Something like that would be great. Now, when it comes to these sorts of things, you want to
make sure that again, the level of investment is low. So when it comes to these sorts of messages,
you don't want to be sending, Hey, I saw this and it reminded me of the time we went on this
amazing romantic vacation and we fell in love and we promised that we'd always be together for the
rest of our lives. Like don't do that. That's, that's the wrong kind of memory. That's way
too high up in the investment level. It's just going to increase the amount of pressure that
they're going to feel, um, towards interacting with you. And basically if you're getting back
in contact with them after no contact, you want to keep that pressure low. You want to keep the
investment level, at least initially low. Um, there is a time to put pressure on,
but it's definitely not right as you're getting back in contact with one another. Um, so you're
going to send this, um, you know, low investment level message to basically just sort of get a
sense about where they're at, how they respond or maybe don't respond is going to let you know,
um, where they are emotionally. If they respond obviously very warm and optimistic than,
you know, Hey, great. They're definitely open to connecting with you. Their emotional state is,
is pretty good and you probably don't need too much help. Just go ahead and
create an emotional connection. Like we've talked about in other videos, rapport, building,
all that stuff. If they are a little bit hesitant, they're giving you these like one or two words,
little, you know, monosyllabic, one sentence responses like, oh, that's cool. Nice, cool.
Maybe they're just giving you like the thumbs up on the text message or something like that.
That lets you know that they're at least open to talking to you, but they're feeling hesitant for
one reason or another. And so what we want to do is we want to show them that it's actually safe
to talk with you. Now. Chances are The two of you are in, at least if
You're following my recommendation here, you're doing no contact because
for some reason, the two of you interacting with one another is causing more damage to the
emotional connection. So that's probably why you did no contact. Now don't get me wrong. There's
obviously other schools of thought on no contact. Like some people think you just need to always do
no contact. No contact is about getting like power or control. No contact is a mind game.
Like again, I talked about this before. There's many different philosophies on no contact, but my
philosophy is that, Hey, the only reason we should actually be doing no contact is because us being
in contact with one another is less enjoyable than us not being in contact with one another.
And so we need to stop. Whatever's not working, take a step back, work through some things if
we need to and then try again when it seems. Right. So, so basically that might be why they're
a little bit standoffish, maybe things in the past, weren't that great between the two of you,
but if we can show them that, okay, there's low pressure. So we're not like trying to, you know,
twist their arm into getting back together with us right now. There's a time and place we're putting
that pressure on, like I said, but it's not when you're first getting back in contact with them.
So I want to keep that pressure low to show them that it's actually okay. And that it's safe for
them to come a little bit closer and to engage with us. So, um, you know, yeah, just keep that
pressure low. Don't do anything. That's very, you know, relationship focused or anything like that.
Um, and then, you know, you might do something like demonstrate to them through, you know,
vulnerability on your side that, Hey, it is okay to actually come a little bit closer.
So, you know, you invested a little bit, they've sort of met your level of investment by sort of
meeting you a little bit. Now, what you want to do is you want to increase the investment a
little bit more by showing them that it's safe to get a little bit closer to you. You can express a
little bit of healthy, positive vulnerability, you know, none of this, like, you know, pouring your
heart out kind of stuff, but just, um, you know, maybe sharing about your emotional experience or
something along those lines and then see if they rise to meet you. If that happens then, okay,
they're following you and you can go ahead and do what we talk about in terms of creating rapport,
going down to the emotional level, all of that sort of stuff. Another possibility is that they
lash out at you or that they just don't respond to you at all. Now, if they're lashing out at you,
it means they're still obviously hurt or upset or angry about, you know, whatever, what happened
before, no contact, whatever happened because of the breakup during the breakup, after the breakup,
um, or, um, if they don't respond to you at all, it could be equally that, Hey,
they're still upset. They're still hurt. They're still going through whatever. And so if that's
what happens, then we may need to Actually get a little bit more
Clear in terms of what's happening emotionally. So you may need to do something like apologize
for something that you did wrong. Now, obviously don't apologize just for the sake of apologizing,
but if you need to apologize for something that you genuinely feel bad about something
that you know, that you did, that was maybe not cool or something. Yeah, go ahead and
actually apologize. Using the strategies that we've talked about in previous videos,
in our course, like the X solution program, All that sort of stuff to hopefully clear out
That emotional blockage, um, as we move forward with all of this, by the way, if you liked this
video, please hit that thumbs up button for the YouTube algorithm. It does help us out. It says,
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also we are talking a lot about stuff that we cover inside of our course called the
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What we want to do as we're getting Back in contact with our ex is to really
remind ourselves that we're not trying to do the whole thing
in one interaction here. It's not just like, okay, we're going to get back in contact with our ex uh,
they're going to fall back in love with us because we sent some perfect, magical text message.
And they're going to want to get back together with us right then and there on the spot, right?
It's not going to go that way. At least, you know, 99 times out of a hundred here. Uh, typically what
you're going to need to do is you're gonna need to build up the emotional connection over time,
because a lot in a lot of ways, this is a process of them learning to trust you, trust themselves
around you, trust in the dynamic between the two of you. And trust of course, is something
that takes time to really genuinely authentically build up, be okay, that this is just the beginning
and that this is the beginning of trust building and emotional connection for the two of you.
With that being said, what we're looking for here is progress. Not to just get this done in
one move. So, okay. If we can just go from, Hey, we're not talking right now to, okay, now we're
talking again. Awesome. That's progress. If we can go from, okay, we're talking now it's a little bit
tense to, okay. They're opening up a little bit. That's progress if we can go from, okay, they're
opening up a little bit to, okay, now they're dropping their guard a lot, and we're talking
about, you know, some memory that we have together that is progress. If we're talking about some
memory that we have together, and now building that emotional connection, getting into rapport,
suggesting doing something like meeting up, talking on the phone or something like that.
That's progress. If we're meeting up in person and we're making plans to meet up again, because we're
having a good time, that's progress. If we're meeting up several times and our
connection is deepening, and we can tell that things are getting much better between the two
of us. Uh, and we decide, okay, we're going to actually talk about getting back together.
That is progress. So again, we're going for progress, not just getting it all done in one
move. As you get back in contact with your ex, this is the beginning of a journey of trust,
building, emotional connection and all of that stuff. Um, so once again, I hope you've enjoyed
this video. If you do like it, please make sure you hit that thumbs up button for the algorithm
and to subscribe to this channel, um, so that you can get updated when we post new videos and make
sure you hit that bell icon as well too. And once again, if you do want a little bit more structured
help through all this, please check out our course called the X solution program@modernlove.life
Slash E S P. There's also a link for that down
in the description box below. Anyway, this has been clay take care, and I'll talk to you then.