PLEASE WELCOME MARY-LOUISE PARKER!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> HI!
HAPPY ALMOST HALLOWEEN.
>> Stephen: YOU, TOO.
DO YOU DO THE HALLOWEEN STILL?
DO YOU DRESS UP?
>> OH, YEAH.
HANDS-FREE CANDY.
IT STARTS NOW, THOUGH.
MY KIDS WERE GETTING IT FROM THE DOORMAN.
DON'T THEY HAVE THAT WHERE YOU LIVE, LIKE THEY HAVE THE BUCKET
OUT ALREADY WITH CANDY?
>> Stephen: I DON'T LIVE IN A DOORMAN BUILDING.
>> I'M SORRY, STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: I'LL GET THERE.
I'LL PUT SOME OUTSIDE YOUR PLACE.
>> Stephen: DO YOU STILL DRESS UP.
>> LAST YEAR SOMEONE THOUGHT I WAS DRESSED AS ME.
>> Stephen: THEY THOUGHT YOU WERE SOMEBODY DRESSING UP TO BE
MARY LOUISE PARKER?
>> YEAH.
THEY SAID, SHE'S NOT AS TALL AS YOU, THOUGH.
I WAS, LIKE, YEAH, WELL.
>> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE A COSTUME WORKED OUT FOR THIS
YEAR?
>> THIS YEAR MY DAUGHTER AND I ARE GOING TO BE VAMPIRES.
>> Stephen: THAT'S COOL.
I'M A VAMPIRE EVERY YEAR.
>> OKAY.
>> Stephen: IT'S THE SEXIEST OF THE UNDEAD.
>> RIGHT.
>> Stephen: DON'T YOU THINK?
I GUESS SO.
I MEAN, I WENT ONE YEAR, I DID MERMAID AND THEN I DID AN ELF
BECAUSE MY SON WANTED TO BE SANTA, AND I GOT A LOT OF
ATTENTION AS THE ELF, I HAVE TO SAY MORE THAN SNOW WHITE OR THE
MERMAID.
AND I WAS MORE COVERED, ALSO.
IT WAS A MORE DEMURE COSTUME.
KIND OF NORDIC, FANTASY, LIKE NORTH POLE, VELVET, CRUSHED
VELVET.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
WE SHOULD MOVE ON.
THIS IS CBS.
SO YOU WERE AT SHOW "TIME" FOR YEARS.
>> I WAS.
I WENT ON SHOW "TIME" BACK WHEN PEOPLE MADE FUN OF ME FOR BEING
ON SHOW "TIME."
>> Stephen: I NEVER MADE FUN OF YOU FOR BEING ON "LAT SHOW TI
WE'RE GOING TO DO OUR SHOW LIVE ON SHOW TIME FROM 11:00 TO 12.
WOULD YOU ADVISE THAT?
>> IF YOU'RE ON SHOW TIME YOU HAVE TO BE AT LEAST PARTIALLY
NAKED.
IT'S ALSO A GOOD IDEA, ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE SEX?
SOME SEXUAL -- ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: ON AIR, LIVE?
WITH SOME PUNITIVE TONE, A LIGHT FONDAGE, MAKES THE
RATINGS.
>> Stephen: DEPENDS ON HOW THE POLLS ARE COMING IN.
>> YOU DON'T HAVE TO.
I MEAN, YOU KNOW.
>> Stephen: I'M UP FOR IT.
I'M UP FOR IT.
YEAH.
NOW, YOU LIVE IN A DOORMAN BUILDING, YOU SAID, BUT I
UNDERSTAND YOU ALSO HAVE A FARM YOU CARE ABOUT.
>> I DO CARE.
I LIKE THAT.
I CARE FOR MY FARM.
I CARE ABOUT IT.
OH, HERE IT IS.
>> Stephen: SOME PEOPLE HAVE FARMS BUT THEY DON'T LIVE THERE.
>> THEY TAKE A PICTURE OF IT.
>> Stephen: EXACTLY.
THIS IS MAPLE SYRUP -- >> WE TAPPED THE TREES FOR THIS
SYRUP.
THAT'S MY DADDY ON THE BACK.
>> Stephen: OH, THAT'S REALLY SWEET.
>> I KNOW, AND WE -- IT'S JUST STRAIGHT OUT OF THE TREE.
>> Stephen: HIGH MOON CREEK.
BOIL IT.
YOU CAN'T JUST TAKE IT STRAIGHT OUT OF THE TREE.
>> WE BOIL IT QUITE EXTENSIVELY A FEW TIMES AND FILTER IT.
>> Stephen: YOU CAN'T JUST STICK A STRAW IN A MAPLE TREE.
>> YOU COULD, IT'S NOT AS SWEET.
ARE YOU GOING TO TASTE IT?
I'M SO EXCITED.
( CHEERING ) >> Stephen: THAT'S DAMN FINE!
THAT'S GOOD, RIGHT?
>> Stephen: WOW!
WHAT'S THAT, LIKE A MEDIUM AMBER?
WHAT IS THIS?
>> THIS IS THE FIRST CROP, FIRST BATCH, SO IT'S NICE, RIGHT?
>> Stephen: THAT'S REALLY GOOD.
WOW.
SO YOU BIRTH THE ANIMALS.
I UNDERSTAND YOU HAD TROUBLES WITH SOME OF YOUR GOATS.
YOU HAD TO GET REAL HANDS ON WITH A RANDY GOAT.
>> WELL, THE GOATS ARE GIVEN ME LOTS OF OPPORTUNITIES AS AN
ADULT.
I GET TO SAY MY FAVORITE SENTENCE I'VE EVER SAID TO MY
CHILDREN WHICH WAS COULD ONE OF YOU GET THAT UMBILICAL CORD OFF
THE COFFEE TABLE?
( LAUGHTER ) YEAH.
>> Stephen: YEAH, ONE OF THE THINGS WE'VE LOST IN OUR MODERN
LIFE.
>> IT IS.
I LIKED BEING ABLE TO -- I LOVED THAT DIALOGUE.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
THERE WAS A GOAT.
I WASN'T PUSHING FOR CASTRATION OF THE GOAT --
>> Stephen: SO THE GOAT WAS IN TROUBLE WITH THE HERD?
>> YEAH, LOBBYING FOR THE OTHER DUDE GOATS WHO WEREN'T GETTING A
SHOT.
THEY WEREN'T GETTING ANY CHANCES AT THE LADY GOATS.
>> Stephen: THAT'S MAJOR.
THIS ONE BILLY GOAT WAS REALLY RAVAGING THE LADY GOATS.
>> Stephen: BULLY OR STUD?
FINE LINE.
>> I SEE WHAT YOU MEAN.
HE WAS REALLY STRADDLING THAT GREY AREA.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT IN THE END I FELT LIKE HE --
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
YEAH, OKAY.
HE WENT AFTER MY SON'S GOAT, WHO I HAVE A REAL SOFT SPOT FOR, AND
THAT'S WHEN I REALLY SAID THIS IS WHERE IT STOPS.
>> Stephen: GET THE GELDING SHEERS.
>> THEY'RE ACTUALLY CALLED DE-NUTTERS.
I SWEAR TO GOD THEY ARE.
IF YOU EVER HAVE ME ON AGAIN WHICH YOU PROBABLY WON'T, I'LL
BRING THEM WITH ME.
>> Stephen: PLEASE DO AND SIT IN THAT CHAIR.
( LAUGHTER ) >> IT REALLY WAS MY WAY OF -- I
WAS TRYING TO END LIST THE SUPPORT OF EVERYONE ELSE'S
SUPPORT OF THE MALE GOATS.
THEY WEREN'T GETTING ANY PLAY.
THE LADIES WERE LIMPING AROUND, BLEATING SADLY TO THEMSELVES.
THEY WERE EXHAUSTED.
>> Stephen: SO DID YOU END UP CHOPPING OFF THE NUTS OF THIS
GOAT?
>> IN FACT, WE DIDN'T.
I FIRST HAD TO SIT ON THE GOAT, AND MY NEIGHBOR WAS HOLDING HIM
DOWN AND WE ULTIMATELY DEARMED THE GOAT.
>> Stephen: WAS HE THAT BAD?
I'M PRETTY GOOD WITH ANATOMY, BUT WHEN IT COMES TO EXTREMES --
>> Stephen: GOAT TIME.
EXACTLY.
WE THOUGHT IF WE COULD GO WITH THE HORNS THAT WOULD CALM HIM
DOWN.
>> Stephen: DO YOU TAKE THE HORNS OFF?
>> YEAH, AND IT SORT OF DAMPENED HIS WHOLE --
>> Stephen: BECAUSE HE CAN'T FIGHT THE OTHER GOATS?
>> BECAUSE HE HAD WITH THE COVER BAND GOING, LIKE WITH THE
COMMODORES OR SOMETHING.
HE WAS SHRINKING UP TO ALL THE OTHER GOATS.
>> Stephen: DID NOT FOLLOW THE COMMODORES MET FOR, BUT LET'S
MOVE ON.
>> WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT THE APHRODISIAC, YOU KNOW, YOU PUT A
SOUND TRACK TO THE GOATS SORT OF SIDLING UP TO A LADY GOAT.
>> Stephen: LIKE THE COMMODORES!
OW!
>> I WAS THINKING OF I'M EASY OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
>> Stephen: THAT'S YOUR GO-TO ROMANTIC SONG?
>> I DON'T KNOW THAT I HAVE ONE AT THOSE TIMES WHEN I'M GETTING
ROMANTIC WITH A GOAT.
>> Stephen: RIGHT NOW YOU'RE ROMANTIC WITH BROADWAY.
YOU'RE AT THE MANHATTAN THEATER CLUB DOING "HEISENBERG."
( APPLAUSE ) "HEISENBERG," OBVIOUSLY, A
THEORETICAL PHYSICIST.
DO I HAVE TO KNOW PHYSICS TO UNDERSTAND THIS PLAY?
>> NO.
IN FACT, I PREFER MY AUDIENCE MEMBERS TO BE STUPID.
I THINK PEOPLE SHOULD BE -- THAT WAY YOU DON'T KNOW HAVE TO KNOW
ANYTHING ABOUT AT ALL ABOUT ANYTHING LIKE THAT.
IT'S POETIC METAPHOR.
I'M VERY IMPRESSED YOU KNOW HE WAS -- A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK HE
WAS -- HE WAS A QUANTUM MECHANICS THEORETICAL PHYSICIST
BUT THAT YOU MADE THAT DISTINCTION IS PRETTY
IMPRESSIVE.
>> Stephen: THAT'S ALL I WANT TO BE.
( APPLAUSE ) THIS IS RUNNING NOW?
>> IT IS.
THAT'S MY VERY SEXY CO-STAR WHO IS GETTING LOTS OF LADY
ATTENTION AT THE MOMENT, 77, MAKING HIS BROADWAY DEBUT.
>> Stephen: WOW.
( APPLAUSE ) >> I KNOW.
HE'S WONDERFUL.
>> Stephen: "HEISENBERG" PRESENTED BY THE MANHATTAN
THEATRE CLUB IS ON BROADWAY AND "DEAR MR. YOU" IS AVAILABLE NOW.
MARY-LOUISE PARKER, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH PUSHA T.