Today's episode is gonna make PETA cringe.
That's right, we're gonna justify the murder of animals.
[cheering]
Now hold on, don't douse the screen in red paint and
start calling for me to have a 'core message' just yet.
"If you don't have a core message that's making a
"positive impact on the planet,
"what the f**k are you doing?"
Today's episode is dedicated to killing off virtual animals.
That's got to make it better, right?
Hoo hoo hoo, no, I guess not.
[Game Theory theme]
Fictional ALIEN animals!
Fine! Forget it, there is NO WAY to not offend people online anymore!
So let's just dive right in and start the episode, shall we?
Hello internet, welcome to Game Theory:
Where today, I'm giving you an excuse to kill off
the most controversial animals in gaming history.
And no, I'm not talking about Sonic's expanded character roster.
Nobody likes those guys.
Go forth, and kill away.
I'm speaking, of course, about the Etecoons and Dachoras;
first appearing back in Super Metroid.
For those of you unfamiliar with these little piles of pixels, let me explain.
In Super Metroid, you play as Samus, blasting her way through the planet Zebes
on a quest to kill Mother Brain, and end the threat of the energy-sucking Metroids.
Along the way, you encounter these guys.
Cute creatures that look like they're playing, but they're actually teaching you the mechanics of the game.
Etecoons demonstrate the wall-jump, and the Dachora showcases the Shine Spark ability;
which conserves your running power, and then launches you into any direction of your choosing.
They're actually a brilliant way to include a tutorial in the game,
while still adhering to the sense of loneliness that Metroid games really feed on.
Plus, look at 'em! They're just so darn adorable, I wanna pinch that little green teddy bear's cheeks.
So, then... Why are some NPCs that you only pass by once in the entire game so controversial?
Well, in true Metroid fashion, after beating the final boss the planet goes into self-destruct mode.
But as you rush out to escape to your ship, you can take a little detour and find them one final time:
trapped in a room, and desperate for escape.
Blow open the wall with your hyper beam, and they're free.
Your reward for being such a good person are a few pixels, flying off into the distance.
But still, I haven't explained why they're so controversial!
Why do a whole episode about skipping this moment,
and letting them blow up in the planet explosion?
Well, as many of you who watch the GTLive channel know, I've been watching a ton of speedruns lately.
And Super Metroid is like, THE speedrunner game,
with events like Games Done Quick arranging all sorts of special showcases for runners of the game.
Reverse Boss Rush,
100% Runs,
Low% Runs,
Multi-Person Races.
I mean, if you truly want to get a taste for how awesome this is, look at this.
It's a race between two speedrunners, and 20 minutes in
they're still like mere frames away from each other!
Jump for jump, shot for shot.
In fact, you know what? Here's a link for you to watch it for yourself.
Click the spinning morph ball in the corner, and watch the video.
It's like an hour, but you'll be on the edge of your seat the entire time.
It's enthralling to watch how precisely these games are being played.
I love these things, and I bet that you would enjoy 'em, too.
Anyway, enough gushing. As you can obviously see, every frame counts.
And, while saving the animals is a nice gesture, it's not necessary to completing the game with 100%.
Worst of all, though, it sucks up precious seconds.
Which, is why it's tradition at these events to hold a fundraising contest.
Save the animals, or kill the animals.
The side that earns the most money wins, and the bidding is intense,
with donations totaling - get this - in the hundreds of thousands of dollars.
No joke! People swoop in during the final seconds and donate upwards of ten thousand dollars
just to see their side win!
It is crazy!
"Someone donated ten thousand dollars, right at the end."
"Woooow."
My personal favorite is that when people donate, they actually come up with their own logic
as to why the animals should die.
"We got a 50 dollar donation from Jarvitz:
"'The animals are the cause of cancer. We need to kill them to cure cancer. Kill the animals, save the frame.'"
But today, I wanted to put my hat into the ring.
And prove, once and for all, that the animals should die.
Not just to save some frames, but rather to save the universe.
Let me explain.
Even though the series is named Metroid and its iconic monsters are the vampiric space jellyfish,
most people tend to overlook the fact that Metroids aren't the major threat in the game's canon.
And if you're thinking it's Mother Brain, [chuckling] ...or Mother 'Brian', as I just mistyped it in the script... [laughter] Fail.
Then you're wrong, too.
No, the Big Bad of these games is what's known as the X-parasite.
First introduced in 2002 via Metroid Fusion, and the Metroid manga -
an official, canon version of Samus' backstory, that came out in conjunction with the game.
In chapter four of the manga, labeled 'Threat,' we see the X-parasite in action.
And the Chozo, the wize bird species that serves as protectors of the galaxy,
worried about its spread.
Quote, [reading from screen] Right now, we must push these old bones of ours once more
and overcome this "obstacle," this threat to our peace.
[reading] Then you speak of the space pirates.
No. In truth, there is a far greater evil.
We call it X.
End quote.
Now, what makes the X-parasite so deadly is that it's capable of infecting other organisms,
and mimicking their DNA and memories,
killing the host creature in the process.
It's then able to resume life disguised as the original creature, but now with sinister intentions:
to spread itself wider, and kill and copy more creatures.
We see it happen, over and over again, throughout Metroid Fusion.
The X attacks its prey, absorbs its DNA, and then mimics it.
And it doesn't stop at living creatures, the X can also download data and replicate technology.
In Fusion, when Samus enters the data room containing the Varia suit upgrade,
the X is seen downloading the suit's specs, and soon after, is able to replicate its abilities.
Even Samus and her power suit aren't immune, as the X infects her, replicates the technology to create
Fusion's main enemy, the SA-X, and then comes to the brink of killing her!
The only thing that saves Samus from death is a vaccine created from Metroid DNA,
and therein lies the irony in all this.
According to the lore of these games, the Metroids were created by the Chozo, protectors of the galaxy,
to fight against the X-Parasite.
This is shown both in the Metroid Fusion manual, as well as in the manga.
They are the good guys!
Vampiric jellyfish equals thumbs up!
So why, you might ask yourself, is everyone going around killing 'em all the time?
Because. They don't know.
In an idiotic twist, the Chozo never tell anyone of their plan. At no point do they
communicate the X threat to anyone!
In the manga, they specifically reveal that they don't tell the Galactic Federation, for fear that someone would
view the parasite's ability as a 'splendid technology' and use it for themselves.
Sure! Fine, that's all well and good, but seriously dudes, you gotta tell SOMEONE that you created these
green, floating jellyfish to fight this huge galactic threat.
And without the knowledge of this big threat of the X-Parasite, when this mysterious, green, floating jellyfish
with giant teeth rolls into town, everyone's like, 'Oh, yeah. Yeah, that thing looks threatening.
'Let's kill those,'
not realizing that they're the only weapon against the real threat in the background.
Literally bird-brains.
So, what does all of this have to do with saving or killing the animals from Super Metroid?
In the games, the X-Parasite is only introduced in Metroid Fusion, so what's any of this have to matter to them?
Well, of the entire series,
Metroid Fusion is the only other game in which the Etecoons and Dachora actually appear.
And Fusion is the end of the Metroid timeline, which means that saving them in Super Metroid is technically canon.
Way to make a canon decision in this game not worth any percentage points, guys. Jeez.
So, that's a pretty big deal, and would point in the direction of having to save the animals, but get this:
There's something even more important here.
Because the Etecoons and Dachora are the only creatures that the X-parasite doesn't attack.
They appear fairly late in the game on the Habitation Deck, revealed to be the sole survivors of the
X-Parasite infecting literally everything else on board the research station.
And not once is it ever mentioned why they're randomly passed over.
And just when you thought you were done with them, they're seen one final time: piloting Samus' gun-ship
to save her from the obligatory end-game-explosion.
They are responsible for Samus surviving the end of Metroid Fusion.
The closing shot of the game, outside of the mildly objectifying photoshoot with Samus, is of them sleeping peacefully.
Awww. Aren't they so cute.
NO! No, they aren't, you should burn them with fire!
Don't be fooled, they're creatures who were infected, killed, and then cloned, by the X-Parasite.
Those cute little animals you're seeing on Samus' gun-ship floor, are just X-parasite carriers.
And this is why they need to be killed. To stop the spread of X.
If the fact that they're the only things ignored by the X infection on the research lab isn't enough evidence,
let's examine for a minute the effects of X infection.
More power, and super skills.
The ability to absorb and/or copy technology.
And what ability does the Dachora demonstrate in Super Metroid?
Speed Booster, and Shine Spark. Two Chozo abilities for Samus' power suit.
How could an ostrich creature be able to replicate the exact move that you're only able to do with the help of advanced Chozo tech?
It wouldn't. Unless, of course, it had some absorb or copy ability, like those granted by the X.
In fact, these creatures seem oddly attracted to Chozo upgrade locations on planet Zebas,
considering the room you need to rescue them from is a Chozo power-up room.
The one where you find the bombs, at the very beginning of the game.
What seems like a random coincidence takes on a whole new meaning, if these guys are truly carrying a
parasite that actively seeks out more powerful tech.
And for that matter, think about it. Why did these two species, of all the weird, violent creatures on Zebas, get along in the first place?
Let alone the two species that just so happen to be the only ones ignored by the X just one game later.
When you really stop to think about it, it's really suspicious. But the suspicion continues to build,
because remember, they escape the planet in mere minutes.
Meaning that they know how to fly a spaceship,
a bizarre for native wild creatures, unless of course, they're not native in the first place.
But that would be crazy, wouldn't it?
Well, it's not.
Think about it. The fact that they have an escape vehicle to fly away from the planet means that
they already had a ship on the planet to begin with.
They're not native to Zebes!
They crash-landed there.
And it's not like there's a bunch of ships lying around on the planet, Samus does a really good job in
Super Metroid of exploring every nook and cranny of that place.
In fact, there's only one other ship on the planet, but - that would mean...
No...
Phantoon's Haunted Wreck.
A wreck, mind you, that just so happens to be directly across the map from the room that you rescue the
animals in, in the final minutes of the game.
A ship that also happens to be one that Samus restores power to, when she defeats Phantoon.
But why? What would cute animals be doing flying around from planet to planet?
Well, I think this quote from the X-Parasite page on the Metroid Wiki gives us a fairly strong possibility.
Quote, [reading from screen] 'If an X gained access to a spacefaring vessel with the memories of an able pilot,
'it would travel from planet to planet, effectively becoming a galactic plague.' End quote.
Why is the research station in Fusion suddenly under the threat of the X? It's never fully explained,
but look who happens to be on board when that attack happens.
Huh. The potential carriers of the disease itself, the Etecoons and Dachora.
Which begs one big, final question for this theory: Why would they go out of their way to save Samus?
Isn't she, like, their mortal enemy?
Why don't they attack her? Why do they hang out with her like pets at the end of Fusion?
Because think about what Samus does.
She kills Metroids.
The one thing that's able to stop the X.
Remember, the Chozo never tell Samus of their plan for the Metroids to serve as a failsafe against this
big, galactic threat.
In fact, in the second Metroid game, Samus goes to the planet SR-388, and literally commits genocide
against the entire species of Metroid.
The game ends when you kill them all!
There's a counter in the corner of the screen, and everything!
Well, all except for the little baby at the end. Anyway!
As we learn about in Metroid Fusion, Samus's killing spree was what allowed the X to flourish on SR-388
in the first place.
It was able to repopulate itself, because she had destroyed its only predator!
That's right, Samus is responsible for the growth and spread of the galaxy's most dangerous plague.
And what self-respecting virus wouldn't attach itself to the predator of its only threat?
Especially a smarter strain of the parasite, who sees that brute force doesn't work against
this space bounty hunter.
And, so then... what about Samus?
Well, she doesn't know any better.
And as we see in the manga, this franchise has gone out of its way to establish that she has a history of
defending non-endemic creatures, regardless of the risks that they pose to a planet!
So deadly virus, and ignorant sucker for cute animals.
It's a match made in heaven.
And that is why Kill the Animals is the ONLY right choice.
Damn, I hope I didn't give people an excuse to give less money to charity defending their side.
Oooh, unintended consequences.
But hey, that's just a theory.
A Game Theory!
Thanks for watching.