It's time for another asking me anything video and today we're answering a question from a survivor who wants to know
how come some narcissists seem to depend on their supply working and paying bills and others don't want to let their supply work and
keep them home instead. Well, that's exactly what we're talking about today QueenBeeing.com. So let's get started. (Closed captioning provided by
Athena Moberg and CPTSDfoundation.org.) My name is Angie Atkinson and on this channel,
I offer free, daily video coaching to help you discover, understand and overcome
narcissistic abuse and toxic relationships. I like to call it toxic relationship rehab.
So if that sounds good to you hit that subscribe button and let's get going.
This question is kind of loaded, because the fact of the matter is that in both of these cases
it's about control. There are a few important things that we have to remember about narcissists and money
and one of the first things is that money in general is a way to control people. Of course,
narcissists are very aware of this and even those who have just a little bit of money might get a sense of power and
domination over the people in their lives or people in general.
Unfortunately, financial abuse is a common tactic that all types of abusers will use to control their victims and while it's not exclusive to
narcissists, it is often a factor in varying degrees when you get in relationships
with them. The National Network to End Domestic Violence
says that all forms of financial abuse might be subtle or overt, but in general include tactics to limit the partners
access to assets or conceal information and accessibility to the family finances.
So it's right there with all the other forms of abuse
including emotional and physical abuse, as well as
manipulation, intimidation and threats. The National Network to End Domestic Violence says that these are all
intentional tactics used by an abuser aimed at entrapping the partner in the relationship and of course depending on the
situation,
some of users will begin to use this from day one in a relationshipwhile others will wait until the victim tries to leave before
enacting financial control. Financial abuse is one of the most powerful ways to keep a survivor trapped in an abusive relationship.
With a narcissist, it makes it very difficult to stay safe
if you've already left the abuser and of course, it makes it far less likely that you'll leave in the first place,
in fact surveys of survivors indicate that their finances are one of them top reasons that they stay or return to
an abusive relationship. In one study, researchers found that 98% of abusive relationships
involves some kind of financial abuse.
This is especially true when children are involved and many people are more likely to tolerate abuse for the sake of the children.
Another important thing to note is that financial abuse is not
socioeconomically,
educationally or racially exclusive, it happens across the board. So what this comes down to is that,
narcissists depending on their level of narcissism and their type of narcissism will
control you in different ways with money.
So the more cerebral types tend to be better about getting a job, keeping a job.
Whereas other types of narcissist might be more impulsive and lack self-control, of course, these traits aren't very good for the workplace.
These are the
narcissist who tend to sort of mooch off their supply always saying they're close to getting a big job or getting a lot of money
for whatever reason, but ending up living off of the victims money.
So when we're talking about the narcissist he wants the person to stay home and doesn't want to let them out of the house, wants
to control all the money and control everything,
we're probably talking about a more driven type of person, but also a person who is perhaps even in more control than you might think,.
Many people with narcissistic
personality disorder are very hard workers, because for one thing they always want to work on increasing their self esteem
and so they do set goals and often meet them, at least when it comes to outside of intimate relationships.
Number 2; Since they're not good at sustaining these
relationships, these intimate relationships, they often pour all of their energy into their job,
especially if they don't have other interests or hobbies
which many don't. And of course number 3;
Narcissists tend to believe that getting a promotion or making more money will help them feel like they're actually worth something.
These are the narcissist who tend to be more
high-performance, they tend to earn a lot of money or decent money and have success in many areas of their life.
Of course, this doesn't mean that they won't try to also take what you have because they will, they think whatever you have also belongs to them,
but for this type of narcissist, typically they're charming exsterior or they're charming personality and their ability to lie and or exaggerate their
accomplishments leads to them getting a decent job in holding it.
Of course,
they get a lot of narcissistic supply from any success
they get at work. With this type of narcissist, just like with other types of narcissistic abuse
like
gaslighting, financial abuse will often begin very subtly at first and to the victim, it might even feel like love or concern or
being taken care of, which is something that a lot of victims report they didn't really experience in the past,
so it feels good to them.
Often, the abuser will offer to handle the finances at first, sometimes even giving the victim an allowance to sort of take care of their needs.
Again, at first, the victim feels a big sense of relief,
they don't have to deal with the money right now
and maybe they think they can trust their partner, after all
they're in love and maybe they just don't want to deal with the stress of it all, but of course this turns dark when typically
the narcissist begins to give the victim less and less money for their "allowance" and
the narcissist becomes increasingly controlling of how it's spent, then when the victim tries to take control of their own money,
they discover that their money has been moved or they no longer have access to their family money.
This is just one more way that the narcissist is controlling this victim.
Often, they won't allow the victim to get a job outside the house and if they do attempt to get a job,
the narcissist will sabotage their job opportunities or if they have a job the narcissist will sabotage that by harassing or stalking you at work.
Some victims find that they actually lose their job as a result of this.
Again, the family money is controlled by the narcissist and the victim has no access to their own bank account.
The victim won't be included in financial decisions, including banking and investments.
They're not allowed or encouraged to get a job, to seek job training or any other sort of school or training opportunities.
Again, it's all about control
and then we were talking about the less
productive
narcissist who sits around, does nothing, expects you to pay for all the bills and pay for all the things and still tries to control
you, well that's a whole other thing. Let's dig into this a little, shall we?.
It's important to note here that in general,
this quality isn't just a
narcissistic quality, because we do have a portion of our society who seems to not want to work at all. With that being said,
some narcissists seem to want to find someone to support them financially or otherwise,
this is regardless of whether they're male or female in this case. We're talking about the type of narcissists
you might want to call a parasite. As far as work where they would earn a paycheck,
well it's limited if it happens at all and they are famous for job popping.
In fact,
some people joke that it should be listed as one of their many areas of expertise.
These narcissists tend to become bored with any type of job or any type of person friendship,
relationship, anything, they don't really even know how to hold on for very long.
They don't seem to think they have to work. If they can't get a job with a title and a big salary which of course
they're not willing to work for, well
then they generally don't want to work. Some narcissist just won't work at all, whether they're capable or not is irrelevant here.
They just feel entitled to someone else's money. Some can't be employed because they've built their entire lives on a lie.
They keep this hidden of course, so they can extract money from other people,
but if you look at their histories, their relationships, their work histories,
you will see a pattern. Many will feel like other people have let them down, as in not giving them enough praise or
recognition or attention or they've suffered some kind of narcissistic injury and this makes them think that their co-workers and/or bosses are you know,
just trash and in response, they might act out and cause chaos and then they need to move on.
They may, like I said, either job hop or just choose to mooch off of their victim. In this case,
you might have found yourself having to write bad checks or
commit financial
fraud just to stay above water or maybe your abuser ran up large debts in your name and you have no say-so about it, you
might not even be aware of it at first. In many cases
the narcissist will refuse to work and force you to support them. In some of those cases,
they don't even make it easy for you to work by taking care of the kids or other household responsibilities.
You might be paying for daycare while your narcissist sits at home and does nothing,
maybe your narcissist has helped to ruin your credit score
or maybe you've been forced to skip paying bills in order to indulge some desire of the narcissist.
Maybe the narcissist has even gone so far as to steal your identity, your property or your inheritance.
Perhaps you've been forced to give up any public benefits you had or you've been accused of cheating the system, because of the narcissist.
Maybe you've been struggling financially and your ex or soon-to-be ex just won't pay child support.
Maybe the narcissist tells you that you're not pulling your weight around here,
even if you're working full-time and taking care of the house, the kids, the yard and everything else,
there's still just something you're not getting done to their satisfaction.
If you want to learn how you can deal with financial abuse from a narcissist, be sure to take a look at the video
I'm leaving for you in a playlist right here.
Alright, now this brings me to the question of the day
and the question of the day is; Have you dealt with a narcissist who either makes you stay at home and won't give you any
money or who refuses to work and absolutely tries to control your money anyway. Share your thoughts, share your ideas,
share your experiences in the comments section below and let's talk about it.
If you want to learn more make sure you take a look at the video
I'm leaving for you right there and it will give you so much more information about this.
Before I go, I want to offer a quick shout-out and a big thank you to all of my channel members, those people who support
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understand and overcome
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Thank you so much, sincerely, it means the world to me and it is my mission in life. Thank you.
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Thank you for liking, commenting, sharing my video,
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Again, thanks so much.
As always, thank you so much for being a part of my day and a part of my life and hey,
thanks for letting me be a part of yours, it really does mean a lot to me.
Make sure you take a look at the videos
I'm leaving for you right there and right there
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I'll see you soon.