WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
FOLKS -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I LIKE THAT.
THANK YOU.
I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU GUYS ARE FEELING TONIGHT, BUT I AM
STAYING POSITIVE -- NOT TESTING POSITIVE, JUST STAYING
POSITIVE -- ( LAUGHTER )
STAYING POSITIVE.
I BELIEVE THE BOTTLE OF PURELL IS HALF-FULL.
( LAUGHTER ) 'CAUSE SOMEBODY STOLE HALF MY
PURELL.
I WILL FIND YOU!
( LAUGHTER ) THE CORONAVIRUS IS STILL ON
EVERYONE'S MINDS, SO DON'T FORGET TO WASH YOUR MINDS.
( LAUGHTER ) I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN
TONIGHT'S EDITION OF" GOIN' VIRAL."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BOOK YOUR CRUISE NOW!
THERE ARE NOW OVER 600 CASES IN THE UNITED STATES.
THERE WERE 500 WHEN WE REHEARSED THIS TWO HOURS AGO.
( LAUGHTER ) OVER THE WEEKEND, THE C.D.C.
POSTED SOME GUIDELINES FOR PEOPLE AT RISK OF SERIOUS
ILLNESS FROM THE VIRUS, INCLUDING AVOID CROWDS AS MUCH
AS POSSIBLE.
( LAUGHTER ) OKAY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OKAY.
>> Jon: GOOD ADVICE.
GOOD ADVICE.
>> Stephen: LET'S HELP EVERYBODY REMEMBER THAT.
CHANT IT WITH ME!
AVOID CROWDS!
AVOID CROWDS!" AVOID CROWDS!
AVOID CROWDS!" EXCELLENT.
( LAUGHTER ) HERE IN NEW YORK, WE HAVE OVER
140 CASES.
THAT'S THE WHOLE STATE.
THE WHOLE STATE HAS 140 CASES.
MAYOR DCBLASIO HAD SOME REAL HELPFUL ADVICE, TELLING
CMMUTERS TO AVOID PACKED SUBWAY CARS.
( LAUGHTER ) QUICK THINKING, MR. MAYOR
( LAUGHTER ) WHY DIDN'T WE THINK OF THAT?
LISTEN UP EVERYBODY, YOU DON'T WANT TO GET ON THE CROWDED
SUBWAY CAR, SO REMEMBER TO GET ON WITH A CRYING BABY AND AN
ACCORDION.
( LAUGHTER ) THINGS ARE WORSE OVERSEAS, THE
ITALIAN GOVERNMENT JUST QUARANTINED THE ENTIRE COUNTRY.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) YEAH.
EVEN THE OLIVE GARDEN JUST CHANGED THEIR SLOGAN TO "WHEN
YOU'RE HERE-- WHY ARE YOU HERE?
YOU'RE GOING TO GIVE US CORONAVIRUS!"
( LAUGHTER ) THAT IS THE OFFICIAL RESTAURANT
OF ITALY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HOSPITALITY, MY FRIEND.
WHILE OFFICIALS ARE URGING CALM, TODAY WALL STREET S&PEED ITS
PANTS.
( LAUGHTER ) THE DOW FELL OVER 2,000 POINTS.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) IT'S THE LARGEST SINGLE POINT
DROP IN HISTORY.
I THINK WE HAVE SOME FOOTAGE OF THE DOW DROPPING:
>> DON'T FORGET TO WASH YOUR HANDS!
>> STEPHEN: HE'S FINE.
THE DOW IS FINE.
( APPLAUSE ) THAT POINT DROP IS THE LARGEST
IN DOW HISTORY-- BY OVER 500 POINTS-- BREAKING THE RECORD SET
JUST 11 DAYS AGO.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
TRUMP WAS RIGHT WHEN HE SAID THIS:
>> WE ARE GOING TO WIN SO MUCH YOU ARE GOING TO GET SO TIRED
OF WINNING.
SO TIRED.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: ABSOLUTELY
EXHAUSTED.
( LAUGHTER ) EVERY DAY AT THE NEW YORK STOCK
EXCHANGE, THEY LET GUESTS RING THE OPENING BELL, SO IT MUST
SUCK FOR TODAY'S BELL RINGERS BANKING INDUSTRY WOMEN,
CELEBRATING INTERNATIONAL WOMENS' DAY.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) SO, SUDDENLY, THE MARKET WAS
EARNING WAY LESS THAN WHEN A MAN RANG THE BELL, EVEN THOUGH THE
WOMEN DID THE SAME JOB?
THAT CHECKS OUT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
HUH.
I SAY, HUH.
THE DAY WAS SO ROUGH ON WALL STREET, BUSINESS JOURNALISTS
WERE FORCED TO GET REALLY CREATIVE.
VARIOUS OUTLETS DESCRIBED THE MARKET AS CAREENING, PLUNGING,
SINKING, TUMBLING, COLLAPSING, CRATERING, PLUMMETING AND
CRASHING.
IN FACT, THE ONLY COMPANY THAT DID WELL TODAY WAS
"INTERNATIONAL THESAURUS AND SYNONYM, INC."
( LAUGHTER ) THROUGH THE ROOF!
THIS WAY, RIGHT?
>> Jon: GOT TO GET YOUR WORDS TOGETHER.
>> Jon: YOU LOOK GOOD.
>> Stephen: THIS IS THE FIRST CRISIS OF
TRUMP'S PRESIDENCY THAT HE DIDN'T CAUSE HIMSELF AND HE IS
COMPLETELY SHANKING IT.
( LAUGHTER ) INSTEAD OF MONITORING THE
SITUATION, TRUMP SPENT THE WEEKEND GOLFING.
( BOOING ) >> Jon: COME ON, MAN.
>> Stephen: I KNOW.
YOU TOOK THE "OOOH RIGHT OUT OF MY MOUTH.
SEEMS INSENSITIVE, BUT REMEMBER THAT RIGHT AFTER PEARL HARBOR
WAS ATTACKED, F.D.R. WAS PHOTOGRAPHED PLAYING SKEEBALL.
( LAUGHTER ) "DECEMBER 7, 1941: A DAY THAT
WILL LIVE IN FUN-FOR-ME!" ( LAUGHTER )
THEN, WITH PEOPLE CONCERNED ABOUT THE GROWING DEATH TOLL OF
THE OUTBREAK, TODAY TRUMP TWEETED, "SO LAST YEAR 37,000
AMERICANS DIED FROM THE COMMON FLU.
IT AVERAGES BETWEEN 27,000 AND 70,000 PER YEAR.
NOTHING IS SHUT DOWN, LIFE AND THE ECONOMY GO ON.
AT THIS MOMENT, THERE ARE 546 CONFIRMED CASES OF CORONAVIRUS,
WITH 22 DEATHS.
THINK ABOUT THAT!" ( LAUGHTER )
OKAY, LET ME THINK ABOUT THAT.
YOU'RE A MONSTER.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HAD TO THINK ABOUT IT.
HERE'S THE THING: WE CAN CRITICIZE TRUMP'S GOLFING AND
TWEETING, BUT WHEN HE HUNKERS DOWN AND FOCUSES ON THE PROBLEM,
THAT'S WHEN HE REALLY SUCKS.
( LAUGHTER ) CASE IN POINT, ON FRIDAY, HE
HEADED DOWN TO THE C.D.C. TO REASSURE THE PUBLIC, BUT HE LED
OFF WITH SOME LESS-THAN ENCOURAGING WORDS ABOUT THE
PEOPLE WHO ARE CURRENTLY SICK.
>> MOST OF THOSE PEOPLE ARE GOING TO BE FINE.
A VAST MAJORITY ARE GOING TO BE FINE.
>> STEPHEN: IT REMINDS ME OF THE FAMOUS BOB MARLEY SONG.
S DON'T WORRY ABOUT A THING
ABOUT A THING S 'CAUSE THE VAST MAJORITY
OF THINGS ARE GONNA S BE ALRIGHT S
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: YEAH, YEAH, GET THAT
TONE TOGETHER.
I LIKE THAT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER )
YEAH.
>> Stephen: TRUMP WENT ON TO EXPLAIN WHY
HE'S THE BEST PERSON TO HANDLE THIS PANDEMIC.
>> YOU KNOW, MY UNCLE WAS A GREAT PERSON.
HE WAS AT M.I.T.
HE TAUGHT AT M.I.T. FOR, I THINK, LIKE A RECORD NUMBER OF
YEARS.
HE WAS A GREAT SUPER GENIUS.
DR. JOHN TRUMP.
I LIKE THIS STUFF.
I REALLY GET IT.
PEOPLE ARE SURPRISED THAT I UNDERSTAND IT.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) >> Stephen: NO, NO!
NO, NO, NO, HE'S RIGHT -- I WOULD BE VERY SURPRISED IF YOU
UNDERSTOOD IT.
( LAUGHTER ) I DON'T CARE HOW SMART YOUR
UNCLE WAS, EPIDEMIOLOGY IS NOT GENETIC.
YOU DON'T GET YOUR MOTHER'S EYES AND YOUR FATHER'S P.H.D
( LAUGHTER ) KNOWLEDGE DOES NOT GET PASSED
DOWN.
THAT'S WHY, NO MATTER HOW MUCH WE ALL KNOW IT NOW, FUTURE
GENERATIONS ARE GOING TO HAVE TO LEARN FOR THEMSELVES THAT YOU'RE
AN IDIOT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: THAT'S A FACT.
( PIANO RIFF ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> NOTE THAT DURING HIS OFFICIAL VISIT TO THE C.D.C. DURING A
NATIONAL EMERGENCY, TRUMP IS WEARING A CAMPAIGN HAT.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) MIGHT NOT BE APPROPRIATE DURING
A CRISIS, BUT IT DOES REMIND ME OF LINCOLN SHOWING UP AT THE
BATTLE OF ANTIETAM WITH HIS CAMPAIGN HAT.
"SUCK IT SOUTH!" ( LAUGHTER )
YEP, THAT'S WHAT HE RAN ON, "SUCK IT SOUTH."
YOU DON'T REMEMBER THAT?
>> Jon: I DON'T REMEMBER THAT.
>> Stephen: UP UNTIL NOW, THERE HAVE BEEN NOT BEEN
ENOUGH CORONAVIRUS TEST KITS AVAILABLE, BUT TRUMP SAYS THAT
PROBLEM IS SOLVED.
>> ANYBODY THAT WANTS A TEST CAN GET A TEST.
THAT'S WHAT THE BOTTOM LINE IS.
ANYBODY RIGHT NOW AND YESTERDAY-- ANYBODY THAT NEEDS A
TEST GETS A TEST.
WE-- THEY'RE THERE.
THEY HAVE THE TESTS.
>> STEPHEN: WOW!
THAT IS SO REASSURING AND SO NOT TRUE.
1.1 MILLION TESTS WERE JUST DISTRIBUTED FOR A COUNTRY OF 328
MILLION.
SO, YEAH, NO.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BUT, ACCORDING TO TRUMP, THESE TESTS AREN'T JUST EVERYWHERE,
THEY'RE ALSO JUST THE BEST.
>> THEY HAVE THE TESTS.
AND THE TESTS ARE BEAUTIFUL.
THE TESTS ARE ALL PERFECT, LIKE THE LETTER WAS PERFECT.
THE TRANSCRIPTION WAS PERFECT, RIGHT?
THIS WAS NOT AS PERFECT AS THAT, BUT PRETTY GOOD.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) >> STEPHEN: SO THE CORONAVIRUS
TESTS ARE ALMOST AS PERFECT AS HIS UKRAINIAN PHONE CALL.
(WHISPERING... ).
WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE.
THAT KNOWLEDGE REALLY GETS A LAUGH.
( APPLAUSE ) TRUMP'S ALSO TAKING HEAT BECAUSE
HE FIRED THE WHITE HOUSE'S PANDEMIC RESPONSE TEAM IN 2018.
BUT HE HAD A REPONSE FOR THAT.
>> MR. PRESIDENT, LAST NIGHT, YOU SAID YOU HAD NOT ANTICIPATED
THIS KIND OF THING HAPPENING.
WOULD YOU RETHINK THEN HAVING AN OFFICE OF PANDEMIC PREPARATION
IN THE WHITE HOUSE THAT THE WHITE HOUSE STAFF WOULD LEAD?
>> I JUST THINK THIS IS SOMETHING, PETER, THAT YOU CAN
NEVER REALLY THINK IS GOING TO HAPPEN.
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: YOU KNOW WHO THOUGHT
A PANDEMIC MIGHT HAPPEN?
THE WHITE HOUSE PANDEMIC RESPONSE TEAM.
( LAUGHTER ) THE SAME WAY -- THE SAME WAY
YOU KNOW WHO THINKS WAFFLES MIGHT HAPPEN?
THE WAFFLE HOUSE.
( LAUGHTER ) THEY'RE READY ANYTIME WAFFLELES
BREAK OUT.
ONE OF THE BIGGEST VIRUS STORIES IS THE GRAND PRINCESS CRUISE
SHIP, WHICH HAS BEEN SAILING IN CIRCLES OFF THE COAST OF SAN
FRANCISCO SINCE LAST WEEK WITH AT LEAST 21 CORONAVIRUS CASES
ON BOARD.
THINGS HAVE GOTTEN PRETTY GRIM ABOARD THE SHIP, WITH PASSENGERS
REPORTING PEOPLE FIGHTING OVER ROTTEN FOOD.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) SO, SOME PARTS OF THE CRUISE
EXPERIENCE HAVE REMAINED THE SAME.
( LAUGHTER ) THE SHIP WAS ALLOWED TO DOCK IN
OAKLAND TODAY, BUT NOT EVERYONE IN THE ADMINISTRATION WAS ON
BOARD WITH GETTING THEM OFF BOARD.
FOR INSTANCE, THE PRESIDENT.
>> I MEAN, FRANKLY, IF IT WERE UP TO ME, I WOULD BE INCLINED TO
SAY, "LEAVE EVERYBODY ON THE SHIP FOR A PERIOD OF TIME, AND
USE THE SHIP AS YOUR BASE."
BUT A LOT OF PEOPLE WOULD RATHER DO IT A DIFFERENT WAY.
THEY WOULD RATHER QUARANTINE PEOPLE WHEN THEY LAND.
NOW, WHEN THEY DO THAT, OUR NUMBERS ARE
GOING TO GO UP.
OKAY?
OUR NUMBERS ARE GOING TO GO UP.
I WOULD RATHER-- BECAUSE I LIKE THE NUMBERS BEING WHERE THEY
ARE.
I DON'T NEED TO HAVE THE NUMBERS DOUBLE BECAUSE OF ONE
SHIP.
THAT WASN'T OUR FAULT.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) >> STEPHEN: TRUMP IS SAYING THAT
HE DOESN'T WANT THE PASSENGERS OFF THE SHIP, BECAUSE THEIR
ILLNESS MIGHT MAKE HIM LOOK BAD.
(AS TRUMP) "LOOK, IF THEY COME ASHORE, THEN
WE'RE RESPONSIBLE FOR THEM.
BUT IF WE SEND THEM TO INTERNATIONAL WATERS, THEN
THEY'RE AQUAMAN'S PROBLEM."
( LAUGHTER ) "OKAY.
AATLANTAS INTERNATIONAL WATERS .
( APPLAUSE ) AS FOR FUTURE CRUISES,
INFECTIOUS DISEASE EXPERTS HAVE OFFERED THEIR OWN PLAN: STAY THE
HELL AWAY.
>> SAY NO LARGE CROWDS, NO LONG TRIPS.
AND ABOVE ALL, DON'T GET ON A CRUISE SHIP.
>> STEPHEN: THAT'S A BUMMER FOR AMERICA'S CRUISE LOVERS.
NOW THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE TO GET CHLAMYDIA FROM A MEMBER OF THE
BLUE MAN GROUP HERE ON LAND.
IT'S JUST NOT THE SAME.
( LAUGHTER ) ALL DRUMMING, ALL THE INCESSANT
DRUMMING.
( LAUGHTER ) WITH MORE AND MORE AMERICANS
OPTING OUT OF CRUISES TO SELF-QUARANTINE AT HOME, ONE
CRUISE LINE IS INTRODUCING A NEW, SAFER WAY TO ENJOY THE HIGH
SEAS.
CHECK OUT THEIR AD.
JIM?
>> WORRIED ABOUT THE VIRUS BUT REFUSE NOT TO CRUISE?
PRINCESS CRUISE HOME EDITION, THE INCREDIBLE JOURNEY TO WHERE
YOU ALREADY ARE.
LOVE OUR SHRIMP BUFFET?
ENJOY FROM THE COMFORT OF YOUR OWN SINK.
IT'S FINE.
EAT IT.
NO CRUISE IS COMPLETE WITHOUT CUTE TOWEL ANIMALS.
NOW YOU CAN MAKE YOUR OWN -- A SNAKE OR AN EEL?
GREAT JOB!
YOU EARNED SOME SHRIMP!
AND DON'T MISS THE EXCURSIONS BICK PANTRY GRATTO, GARAGE
DRAGONS AND NOT A CRUISE WITHOUT SNRKLING!
>> OH, WOW!
PRINCESS CRUISE HOME EDITION, THE FUN IS CONTAGIOUS!
( APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: WE'VE GOT A GREAT
SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
JOHN KRASINSKI IS HERE.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, THE "C" IN C-PAC STANDS FOR CORONAVIRUS.
STICK AROUND!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )