Hi, I'm Dr. Tracey Marks,
and I make mental health education videos.
Today, I'm talking about defusing your anger
before you lose control,
and this is a followup of a video I did on looking
at how you become angry based on your temperament.
That video is linked in the corner and in the description.
There's many ways or techniques you can use
to manage your anger and rage.
So this video will be part of a series on anger management.
After this video,
I'll have an affirmation video on processing anger.
It's more of a meditation to help you process your emotions
through affirming statements.
If this isn't your style, then just click away,
but focusing on affirming statements is one approach
to processing anger.
What you think and assume about your situation affects
your response to it and your behavior,
and we can hold tightly to negative assumptions
that can distort how we interpret a given interaction.
To better understand how to stop before you lose control,
let's look at the cycle of anger.
First, you have a triggering event,
and this will be something like feeling disrespected
or used or having someone cut you off in traffic,
and then this is followed by negative thoughts,
like I'm the weakest link on this team,
or that woman driver doesn't care about anyone but herself.
These are automatic thoughts that pop
into your mind right after the triggering event.
Then you have an emotional response to your thought,
even if your thought isn't rational.
You may feel shame or embarrassment
for being the worst team member,
or you feel rage toward the driver,
like you wish you could hurt her
or that she would just crash her car.
This is followed by physical symptoms like a racing heart
or sweaty palms or even tense muscles and jaw clenching.
Then you have the behavioral response of yelling,
cursing, arguing, or even crying.
So with this cycle, you have things going on
in your head that lead to behaviors,
and there's different places in this cycle
that you can change to address your anger.
Right now, I'm focused on the behavioral response.
The first technique to defuse your anger is
to practice taking three deep breaths before you respond,
and this gives you a chance
to resist lashing out automatically.
Many times, the anger response is impulsive,
and if you had been able to wait even just five seconds,
you may have had the control to hold back
on saying something hurtful that you can't take back.
The second technique is to develop canned responses
to controversial topics.
If you're always around people who like getting
into political discussions
and their views are opposite of yours,
you wanna already know what to say to shut down
the conversation or make it clear that you have no comment.
It could be as simple as
I don't discuss politics before five p.m.
or without a glass of wine in my hand.
Whatever it is, make it something
that fits your personality,
and help people get the message
without it becoming the focus of another discussion.
For example, you don't wanna say something like
only idiots discuss politics.
That's just gonna turn into a different kind of argument.
You're not trying to insult people.
You're just trying to politely
and respectfully pass on that conversation.
Prepare a couple of statements that you can use
for any topic or situation that you know triggers you.
If someone repeatedly tries to engage you
in a conversation or activity that you're avoiding,
use the broken record technique
where you give the same response
in the same tone of voice.
You don't need to craft another response
just to make sure they get it this time.
Saying the same thing in the same tone sends
a stronger message that you meant what you said.
Another thing you can do is develop statements
that de-escalate the situation before you get too angry,
and these would be statements like
I need to take a break
or I need a timeout,
can we talk about this later,
or the classic maybe we can agree to disagree on this.
These are canned statements similar
to the no comment statements,
but the purpose of these statements is to stop a conflict
that you've already participated in,
but you recognize it's getting too heated for you,
and you're about to blow,
and this is where it's helpful to know
what your physical symptoms are
when you start to get angry or rageful,
and this is step four in the cycle of anger.
Do you start sweating?
Does your chest get warm?
Knowing this about yourself can help you recognize
when you're going down the path to rage
and when to use this technique.
The fourth technique is to stop and observe your anger.
Imagine it as if you're another person
in the room looking at you.
What do you look like?
Do you appear intensely angry
because you're throwing things,
or do you just seem snippy and hotheaded?
Are you talking loudly or brooding in your head?
By disengaging from your anger and actually observing it
in a mindful way,
you take the energy out of it,
and this gives you time to avoid lashing out.
The last thing you can do is use diversions.
Let's say you remove yourself from the situation
by using the third technique of shutting things down
with the I need a timeout statement.
Then do something to distract yourself like listening
to music or taking a brief walk or even coloring.
Coloring complex drawings is
a popular stress reduction technique,
and you can buy a coloring book,
or there's free coloring templates available online
at justcolor.net or freemandalas.net.
Next time, I plan to address the negative automatic thoughts
in the cycle of anger.
Stay tuned.
See you next time.