WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
FIRST OF ALL -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THERE IT IS.
THERE YOU ARE.
HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY, EVERYONE, HAPPY MARTIN LUTHER KING DAY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪
♪♪ >> Stephen: IT'S A DAY IN
WHICH WE ALL CELEBRATE DR. KING'S LEGACY BY TAKING HIS
WORDS OUT OVERCONTEXT TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE HE AGREES WITH
WHATEVER WE'RE SAYING.
AS KING HIMSELF SAID, YOU'RE RIGHT, STEPHEN.
( LAUGHTER ) THE U.S. SENATE IS MARKING
DR. KING 'S BIRTHDAY BY DOING WHAT THEY DO BEST -- NOTHING.
DEMOCRATS HOPED TO SPEND THE HOLIDAY PASSING MUCH-NEEDED
VOTING RIGHTS LEGISLATION.
TO DO THAT, THEY HAVE TO MODIFY THE FILIBUSTER.
BUT THAT DREAM DIED LAST WEEK, THANKS TO ARIZONA SENATOR AND
MRS. HAMBURGLAR, KYRSTEN SINEMA.
LAST WEEK, SINEMA TOOK TO THE SENATE FLOOR TO ANNOUNCE THAT,
WHILE SHE VALUES VOTING, THE FILIBUSTER IS HER FIRST LOVE:
>> WHILE I CONTINUE TO SUPPORT THESE BILLS, I WILL NOT SUPPORT
SEPARATE ACTIONS THAT WORSEN THE UNDERLYING DISEASE OF DIVISION
INFECTING OUR COUNTRY.
WHAT IS THE LEGISLATIVE FILIBUSTER OTHER THAN A TOOL
THAT REQUIRES NEW FEDERAL POLICY TO BE BROADLY SUPPORTED BY
SENATORS REPRESENTING A BROADER CROSS SECTION OF AMERICANS?
>> STEPHEN: NO.
NO.
NOT REPRESENTING A BROADER CROSS SECTION OF AMERICANS.
THE 50 SENATORS WHO ARE CURRENTLY FILIBUSTERING THE
VOTING RIGHTS BILL REPRESENT 41 MILLION FEWER AMERICANS THAN THE
SENATORS WHO SUPPORT IT.
STOP ACTING LIKE THE FILIBUSTER IS ANYTHING OTHER THAN A
-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
STOP ACTING LIKE THE FILIBUSTER IS ANYTHING OTHER THAN AN
ANTI-DEMOCRATIC TOOL.
WHICH IS ALSO A PRETTY GOOD DESCRIPTION OF KYRSTEN SINEMA.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND FOR THE RECORD, THIS IS WHAT
MARTIN LUTHER KING SAID ABOUT VOTING RIGHTS AND THE
FILIBUSTER: >> I THINK THE VAST MAJORITY OF
PEOPLE IN THE UNITED STATES WOULD VOTE FAVORABLY FOR SUCH A
BILL.
I THINK THE TRAGEDY IS THAT WE HAVE A CONGRESS WITH A SENATE
THAT HAS A MINORITY OF MISGUIDED SENATORS WHO WOULD USE THE
FILIBUSTER TO KEEP THE MAJORITY OF PEOPLE FROM EVEN VOTING.
THEY WON'T LET THE MAJORITY SENATORS VOTE AND CERTAINLY THEY
WOULD NOT WANT THE MAJORITY OF PEOPLE TO VOTE, BECAUSE THEY
KNOW THEY DO NOT REPRESENT THE MAJORITY OF AMERICAN PEOPLE.
IN FACT, THEY REPRESENT IN THEIR OWN STATES A VERY SMALL
MINORITY.
>> STEPHEN: THE SAD THING IS, DR. KING COULD MAKE THE EXACT
SAME STATEMENT TODAY, AND IT WOULD BE JUST AS RELEVANT, AS
LONG AS HE MENTIONED WORDLE.
( LAUGHTER ) SENATE DEMOCRATS AND THE
PRESIDENT MET TO TRY TO GET SINEMA AND HER OBSTRUCTIN' BUDDY
JOE MANCHIN ON BOARD, BUT AFTERWARDS, BIDEN DIDN'T SOUND
TOO OPTIMISTIC >> Y'ALL ASK QUESTIONS ABOUT
COMPLICATED SUBJECTS LIKE, CAN YOU GET THIS DONE?
I HOPE WE CAN GET THIS DONE.
THE HONEST TO GOD ANSWER IS, I DON'T KNOW WHETHER WE CAN GET
THIS DONE.
IS THIS MIC ON?
>> Stephen: OH, NO!
OH -- OH, NO!
THAT IS THE WEAKEST I'VE SEEN A PRESIDENT LOOK, SINCE JFK'S
INAUGURAL: >> ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN
DO FOR YOU.
ASK, CAN YOUR COUNTRY DO ANYHING?
THE HONEST TO GOD ANSWER IS I DON'T KNOW.
IS THIS THING ON?
HELLO.
WHERE AM I?
WHO AM I?
MARILYN, HEAT UP THE TUB.
I'M COMING HOME.
SNOOT IT'S A BATH.
IT WAS VERY COLD.
>> Jon: I WAS COLD.
YOU COULD SEE THE COLD COMING OUT OF HIS MOUTH.
( APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: ANOTHER PERSON WHO
HAS A STRANGE WAY OF CELEBRATING MARTIN LUTHER KING DAY IS
INCOMING VIRGINIA GOVERNOR GLENN YOUNGKIN, SEEN HERE AFTER BEING
SWORN IN AS THE PENGUIN.
( LAUGHTER ) ON HIS FIRST DAY IN OFFICE,
YOUNGKIN SIGNED 11 EXECUTIVE ACTIONS, INCLUDING ONE
ENDING CRITICAL RACE THEORY IN SCHOOLS.
WHICH, FOR THE RECORD, IS NOT TAUGHT IN VIRGINIA SCHOOLS, BUT
THAT YOUNGKIN CATEGORIZES AS ANY SCHOOL LESSONS THAT DEFINE
RACISM AS AN INSTITUTIONAL PROBLEM DEEPLY EMBEDDED IN
AMERICAN SOCIETY.
SO, HISTORY.
AFTER SIGNING IT, YOUNGKIN RETURNED TO THE EXECUTIVE
MANSION IN RICHMOND THAT WAS BUILT IN 1813 BY
( HAWAIIAN MUSIC PLAYS ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: OKAY.
THE NEXT DAY, YOUNGKIN HEADED OVER TO FOX NEWS SUNDAY AND USED
MARTIN LUTHER KING TO DEFEND HIS ANTI-KNOWLEDGE AGENDA:
>> AND THE IMMORTAL WORDS OF DR. MARTIN LUTHER KING RING IN OUR
EARS THAT WE MUST JUDGE ONE ANOTHER BY THE CONTENT OF OUR
CHARACTER AND NOT THE COLOR OF OUR SKIN.
THIS IS WHAT WILL BE THE FOUNDING PRINCIPLE OF OUR
EXECUTIVE ORDER, WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO IN VIRGINIA SCHOOLS.
>> STEPHEN: YOU THINK MARTIN LUTHER KING'S MESSAGE TO AMERICA
IS, "DON'T TEACH CHILDREN ABOUT RACISM?"
LET'S SEE IF HE AGREES.
KING SAID, WHITES, IT MUST FRANKLY BE SAID, ARE NOT PUTTING
IN A SIMILAR MASS EFFORT TO RE-EDUCATE THEMSELVES OUT OF
THEIR RACIAL IGNORANCE.
IT IS AN ASPECT OF THEIR SENSE OF SUPERIORITY THAT THE WHITE
PEOPLE OF AMERICA BELIEVE THEY HAVE SO LITTLE TO LEARN.
>> STEPHEN: WOW.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU KNOW WHAT THAT SOUNDS LI
LIKE -- THAT SOUNDS A LOT LIKE CRITICAL
RACE THEORY.
GLENN YOUNGKIN SHOULD STOP THEM FROM TEACHING ABOUT THAT GUY IN
VIRGINIA SCHOOLS.
BUT IT'S NOT JUST YOUR VOTES REPUBLICANS DON'T WANT TO COUNT.
IT'S ALSO YOU.
WE JUST FOUND OUT THAT CENSUS OFFICIALS WROTE A MEMO IN 2020,
COMPLAINING OF UNPRECEDENTED MEDDLING BY THE FORMER
PRESIDENT'S ADMINISTRATION IN THE 2020 CENSUS.
IT MAKES SENSE.
THE LAST GUY DOESN'T LIKE COUNTING ANYTHING: COVID
INFECTIONS, POUNDS ON A SCALE, ERIC AS HIS SON.
( LAUGHTER ) THE MEMO DATES FROM THE FALL OF
2020, WHEN THE ADMINISTRATION WAS PRESSING THE CENSUS BUREAU
TO END THE COUNT WEEKS EARLY.
IF YOU END THE COUNT EARLY, YOU'RE NOT DOING A CENSUS.
THANK GOD THESE PEOPLE WERE NEVER IN CHARGE OF A FIELD TRIP:
(AS TEACHER) OK, IS EVERYONE BACK ON THE BUS?
ONE, TWO, BORED OF COUNTING.
FLOOR IT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
FINE!
SHUSH!
I'M DRINKING!
QUIET!
BUT IT WASN'T JUST MOVING UP THE DEADLINE.
THE ADMINISTRATION WAS ADAMANT THAT, FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER,
THE BUREAU SEPARATELY TALLY THE NUMBER OF UNDOCUMENTED
IMMIGRANTS IN EACH STATE, AND HAD A FAR-REACHING PLAN TO SCOUR
BILLIONS OF GOVERNMENT RECORDS FOR HINTS OF FOREIGNERS LIVING
HERE, ILLEGALLY OR NOT.
OOOH-- SOUNDS LIKE SOMEBODY WAS IN THE MARKET FOR A FOURTH WIF
( LAUGHTER ) BUT THEY DIDN'T WANT TO ADD
THOSE IMMIGRANTS TO THE CENSUS, THEY WANTED TO EXCLUDE THEM,
LEAVING AN OLDER AND WHITER POPULATION BASE IN STATES WITH
LARGE IMMIGRANT POPULATIONS, SOMETHING THAT WAS PRESUMED TO
WORK TO REPUBLICAN ADVANTAGE.
EXCLUDE THE IMMIGRANTS AND INCLUDE AS MANY OLDER, WHITE
AMERICANS AS POSSIBLE.
A PROCESS WHICH WEDDING BANDS REFER TO AS
"PLAYING A BILLY JOEL SONG."
( LAUGHTER ) ♪ SLOW DOWN YOU CRAZY CHILD ♪
♪ YOU'RE SO AMBITIOUS FOR A -- ♪ I LOVE BILLY JOEL.
THE CENSUS BUREAU PUSHED BACK HARD, TO THE POINT WHERE ONE
EXPERT SAID THEIR EFFORTS TO PROTECT THE INTEGRITY OF CENSUS
OPERATIONS WERE NOTHING SHORT OF HEROIC.
YES, AMERICA WAS SAVED BY THE LATEST SUPERHERO ADDITION TO THE
M.C.U. -- CENSUSMAN!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HE WAS A NORMAL FATHER OF THREE
RADIOACTIVE ACCOUNTANT.
SPEAKING OF BUREAUCRATS, THE C.D.C. UPDATED THEIR COVID
GUIDANCE TO SUGGEST THAT SCHOOLS CANCEL FOOTBALL AND
BAND.
BUT WITHOUT FOOTBALL AND BAND, HOW WILL OUR KIDS LEARN THE
LESSONS YOU CAN ONLY GET FROM A FOOTBALL PLAYER STUFFING YOU
INTO A CELLO CASE?
( LAUGHTER ) SO FAR, SCHOOLS HAVE RESISTED
THE GUIDELINES, SAYING THEY ARE UNREALISTIC.
ACCORDING TO ONE FORMER C.D.C.
ADVISOR: YOU'VE GOT NERDS, LITERALLY SCIENCE NERDS, WHO ARE
WRITING THESE THINGS.
ALSO EXPLAINS THIS GUIDANCE FROM THE WEBSITE:
AVOID HIGH-RISK ACTIVITIES SUCH AS EYE CONTACT WITH THE PRETTY
GIRLS, QUESTIONS ABOUT 'THE GAME LAST NIGHT,' AND ANY CLASSROOM
SITUATION IN WHICH YOUR BONER MAY BE VISIBLE THROUGH YOUR
DOCKERS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THAT'S A BRAND FLAME.
CAPITAL D ON THAT DOCKERS.
TM.
YOU CAN'T BLAME THE C.D.C. FOR BEING CAREFUL, THOUGH.
WE'RE LEARNING MORE ABOUT LONGTERM COVID EFFECTS AND THEY
ARE NOT GOOD.
FOR INSTANCE, SCIENTISTS HAVE DETERMINED THAT
'COVID DICK' IS REAL.
YES, BUT HE PREFERS TO BE CALLED RON DESANTIS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU.
>> Jon: OH!
>> Stephen: THANK YOU.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WOW!
I REBOOTED YA WITH THAT JOKE!
A STUDY FROM NOVEMBER FOUND THAT MEN WHO CAUGHT COVID WERE ABOUT
THREE TIMES AS LIKELY TO DEVELOP A NEW CASE OF ERECTILE
DYSFUNCTION AS THOSE WHO DIDN'T.
OK, QUESTION: CAN I GET A FEW MORE BOOSTERS JUST TO BE SAFE?
( LAUGHTER ) DO THEY HAVE A PFIZER I.V.?
SHOULD MY PENIS BE WEARING A MASK?
WITH BEST PRACTICES IS ALL I WANT TO KNOW.
LUCKILY, THE CONDITION DOESN'T APPEAR TO AFFECT A HUGE
PROPORTION OF MEN.
OK, NOT GREAT FOR PEOPLE TRYING COMFORT A STRUGGLING PARTNER--
(AS PARTNER) DON'T WORRY DARLING, THIS
HAPPENS TO EVERY, WELL ACTUALLY IT HAPPENS TO ALMOST NO ONE.
THIS IS REALLY JUST YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) THANKFULLY, MALE SEXUAL ISSUES
CAUSED BY COVID CAN BE TREATED.
ACCORDING TO ONE UROLOGIST, ALL IT TAKES IS PENILE REHAB.
( LAUGHTER ) AND TO GET THE PENIS TO REALIZE
IT HAS A PROBLEM, YOU MIGHT NEED A PENILE INTERVENTION.
DEAR PENIS, IT MAKES ME SAD TO SEE YOU LAYING AROUND DOING
NOTHING.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I WANT YOU TO GET HELP SO THAT ONE DAY, TOGETHER, WE CAN GET
BACK TO HEARING THAT BEAUTIFUL SOUND: BOI-OI-OI-ING.
( LAUGHTER ) WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT!
MY GUEST IS SENATOR ELIZABETH WARREN!
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I TELL YOU EVERYTHING I KNOW ABOUT
MODERN ROMANCE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )