Geoffrey here in this video,
I'm going to show you how you can respond when your partner wants to divorced or
once the separation.
And you've tried your very best to show your changes and change yourself in the
end inside out.
But she still says that she doesn't really trust in your changes and she doesn't
trust that they're genuine.
And I really want you to stick around until the very end of this video,
because I think a lot of what other coaches are telling you about how to
convince your partner,
that your changes are real and to trust you and to feel safe with you,
they're actually quite toxic and will actually do more harm than good usually.
So in this video,
I'm gonna show you how you can look at this from a completely different angle
than how you've been used to seeing this and take a completely different
approach to regaining that trust and regaining a safety over time.
And if you're new to this channel,
my name is Geoffrey and I help men in longterm relationships or in marriages
with the right skills and with the right mindsets to be able to design the
thriving relationship for yourself.
So if you want more videos that can help you with your marriage,
that can help you with a longterm relationship.
Then I want you to subscribe to this channel and click the bell button as well,
to be notified when I post new videos every single week. Now, before we begin,
I want to quickly let you know that the registration for the master class on the
five proven steps to rebuilding your relationship from the ground up is still
open. So if you want in on that masterclass,
be sure to stick around until the very end of this video for the announcement on
that.
So let's start this discussion with what a lot of you are going to be tempted to
do and what a lot of other coaches will tell you to do.
So the problem that I see is that a lot of people are stuck in this world world
of logical appeals.
So when your partner tells you that she doesn't really trust you trust in your
changes, despite your best efforts to change.
The first thing that happens in your mind is you panic a little and you feel
hopeless and you tell yourself if I've done all these efforts and all these
things to change issue still, doesn't see it. Then what hope is there for me?
And in this panic, and this worry,
what you trying to do is you're trying to come up with this magical set of
words, this perfect set of words,
to try to convince her of how much you've changed,
how different you are and why and how she should trust you and feel safe with
you and come back to the relationship again.
But what you'll quickly find is that these words that you say,
any words that you say will not work and your partner will still keep
mistrusting you. And so when you find that whatever words you are saying,
do not work, you panic even more,
and you perpetuate this negative cycle where you panic more,
you try to find this magical set of words to convince your partner.
You realize she's not getting convinced you panic even more and the cycle keeps
going.
And I'm sure many of you can relate to this feeling and this pattern overall.
And if you are stuck in this cycle, it perpetuates another cycle.
Whereas you feel more and more hopeless and you feel more and more frustrated in
the fact that you cannot really find these magical words that will usually make
you more controlling. And your partner will feel sense. This frustration sense,
this pushiness and pull away even further,
which makes you panic even more than your partner pulls away.
And so you're creating these two really bad cycles.
If you're trying to play this logical game and to understand why this approach
is really ineffective and actually will push your partner further away,
you have to understand the nature of emotions a bit better.
So understand that love is a very emotional thing. People make decisions,
especially when it comes to romantic relationships via their emotions.
And this is true, whether you're a guy or a gal,
a lot of men think that, Oh, we are logical creatures, but no,
the truth is all of us,
just humans in general will make decisions via their emotions.
And marketers know this business. People know this, you know,
people who are good at persuasion really know this.
The second thing to understand here is that emotions don't just come up,
but they are a result of your interpretation. So to visualize this,
how emotions form is that an event happens first,
but the event doesn't cause the emotion it's, the event happens.
Then you make interpretations on that event.
And the interpretations you make are the things that will cause your emotions to
form.
That's a crucial distinction to make because you can have logically
positive events. But if your interpretation of that event is somehow negative,
you will create, and you will have negative emotions despite the positive event.
So just to give you a fun example of this, so you can tell your partner,
for example, you look good today.
So that's a very positive thing that you're saying positive logical thing.
But if your partner interprets that as does that mean I don't look good on them
other days,
then somehow she can twist that positive logical thing that you said into a
negative emotion because of that negative interpretation.
And here's why I give that example, as you're trying to rebuild a relationship,
rebuilt distress, show your partner, your changes and so on. Yeah.
Probably made the same promise many,
many times over the course of your relationship,
but you've never really followed through on those promises.
So you've probably made promises statements, justifications,
assurances to your partner that, Hey, I know you're not happy,
but I want to promise you that things can change. I'll be better.
I am better and so on and so on and so on.
But every single time you make that promise, you somehow fail to follow through.
So she trusted you in the beginning, but over time,
she slowly begins to lose trust.
And now it's gone through pointed where her confirmation bias is telling her,
okay,
this guy is going to say whatever he wants to try to convince me that he has
changed. But time and time again,
he showed me that he really hasn't changed that nothing has really changed.
So then here's what will happen now. So the event now is you tell your partner,
Oh, I've changed this time. I've really changed for real this time.
And you try to find this magical set of words to convince her that you've
changed,
but understand how emotions form her interpretation of your gesture to
convince her that you've changed will be okay.
This is just another time that he makes a promise, but will not follow through.
I don't buy it. So then even though your gesture is positive,
logically interpretations are negative. And that causes even more hopelessness,
even more mistrust on her part. And again,
it's because of this interpretation that says, he's just being fake.
He's just saying the right words to convince me,
but really has no substance behind the words.
This is just a false promise is in genuine. He's just desperate.
And basically her interpretations here are going to tell her that,
you know what, don't listen to what he says.
I don't think he really understands what he needs to change,
what needs to be better. And I don't think this guy can really change,
but the problem here is that if we keep our brains and our focus stuck on
changing this event or finding some magical set of words to logically convince
her, we're going to drive ourselves insane.
Because if you understand this progression,
you'll see that it doesn't matter what you say and it's event part.
You can come up with the perfect set of words,
but as long as the confirmation bias is there.
And as long as her interpretations are negative,
she's going to twist and bend everything you say to create negative emotions.
So as you try to find this magical set of words, which doesn't exist,
you will drive yourself insane and you will perpetuate the two negative cycles
that we talked about earlier in this video.
And as you perpetuate the cycles there,
you're going to either be in a position where you get so frustrated,
so upset,
and eventually this frustration will turn into hopelessness of yourself.
As you say, you know what? This is an impossible situation.
I don't know what to do. I'm giving up, I'm leaving.
But what you don't understand is that it's actually possible to get around this
problem in the first place.
It's just that you need to stop looking at the logical side of things and learn
how to directly appeal to our emotions in the correct way.
And how do we do that? How do we actually appeal to their emotions?
We need to understand the importance of process over product.
And I've mentioned this distinction in many of my other videos before,
but just to clarify, for those of you who are not familiar. So most people,
when they try to rebuild a relationship,
what they try to do is convince their partner of their changes and how good they
are now, how different they're.
Now they're trying to convince their partner that they are already the right
product. So they tell their partner, for example, Hey honey, I can listen.
And I do listen. I can understand. And I do understand you can trust me.
You can feel safe with me.
So they're trying all these logical appeals to convince their partner of the
product itself,
but the paradox in which they're not realizing is that in trying to convince
their partner of this products, the changes in their products,
they're using the same process to do it.
So they're still trying to use logical appeals to change her mind.
They're still getting frustrated, trying to be controlling,
getting confused and feeling hopeless. When he realizes that she doesn't buy it,
the partner doesn't buy it.
And they're trying even harder to change and to control what she feels,
what she does, how she interprets things and so on.
So when your promises of the product and the process is misaligned like this,
you create this paradox in her mind as well. And the paradox goes like, okay,
you're saying all the right words, logically,
you're saying that you have changed. You can change.
You can feel safe and so on,
but she's also thinking he's not really acting differently.
He's not really thinking differently. So while logically,
she understands that maybe you have changed emotionally. She can never buy it.
But again, emotions is what really counts in relationships.
And so if emotionally, she doesn't buy it, it doesn't really matter.
She can never trust you and she can never really buy into your changes.
And so once you understand this,
I want you to understand just how normal your partner's mistrust about your
changes is this is just the nature of confirmation bias.
And you were getting panicked and worried that you're doing all these changes,
but she's not seeing it then either.
It's because you don't understand the nature of confirmation bias,
or you don't understand the how of how to actually battle the confirmation bias
on an emotional level,
or you don't understand just how long it takes to reverse this confirmation
bias.
Because I understand that you've been constructing this confirmation bias going
against you for many, many years, sometimes even decades.
You kind of expect that to turn around in three months,
even sometimes six months. So in this video,
I'm going to show you a different approach in how you can look at this.
So the first thing is I want you to stop looking for logical appeals,
looking for that perfect set of words, because again,
that perfect set of words doesn't exist.
You're going to drive yourself insane and you're actually going to push your
partner further away.
So here's one example of something you can say to your partner that really
appeals to our emotions.
The first part of this is I want you to learn how to actually acknowledge.
You might say, for example, I understand that you don't trust my changes.
I get it. You know,
I know that I've made a ton of promises in the past and I haven't really
followed through on those promises. And so I understand how you feel. Honestly,
if I were you of our, in your position,
I would struggle trusting myself and trusting my
changes as well. I totally understand where you're coming from.
So this is the acknowledgement part.
The second part is I want you to present your new process, not your new product,
but your new process and something you can say here, for example, is, you know,
as part of my new self, I'm not going to sit here and tell you what to feel,
what to do.
I'm not going to sit here and tell you all the reasons why you should trust me.
You should feel safe with me. You should come back.
That's what my old self would do. My new self.
I really understand that doing all that stuff is just controlling.
And I don't want to tell you how you should feel or do,
because I realized that there's really nothing I can say or do to change your
mind. I'm simply gonna keep bettering myself for the sake of bettering myself.
I'm enjoying the process of bettering myself.
And I want you to decide for yourself if you want to see my changes,
and I want you to decide for yourself what you want to feel about it and what
you want to do about it.
Then you can clarify your intentions even further here by saying something like,
you know, I trust it.
You'll understand I'm not better in myself or doing anything here out of bad
intent or trying to trick you into coming back.
I'm simply doing this to find and discover the best version of myself because
I've realized I've done a lot of things that could be bad and controlling press
in a subconscious way back then. And I'm going to do better.
I just want you to know in the meantime that my door is open,
that I'm ready to chat whenever you are,
and I'm here for you and you just walk away.
So notice how different this response is to how many of you might respond.
And what I want you to see about this response is that, and this whole response,
there is 0% of me trying to convince her of my changes of my
product,
but as a hundred percent about simply showing the changes in my process,
not one this year that I make an assurance,
does it make a promise that I make a statement about what she should feel,
what she should do, any logical appeals? And so on.
All I did was simply change the approach in which I handle the situation and
really the simple change in my process and the way I respond into my mindset in
how I approach this topic will tell her everything she needs to know.
And this is actually a much more powerful thing to say than trying to find this
perfect combination of words any day. Now,
I don't want you to use this as a script.
I don't want you to take this thing that I just said and just say it for the
sake of saying it again. If you watch my other videos,
there's such things as covert neediness, and that if you're saying this,
if you're saying to her, Oh,
I'm not going to tell you what to say or do in the hopes that you are going to
change her mind in the manipulative way,
then you're missing the point completely.
I want you to be able to say this in a genuine way, and in your own ways,
add your own flavor to it, make it genuine yourself.
Don't sound like a robot and don't make it sound scripted.
But I wanted to give you that example just to show you how drastically different
your responses and your mindset and your framework should be in responding to
this situation.
And we're showcasing your processes and avoiding this is logical appeals to
convince them that the product actually looks like and what it actually means.
And if you use what I just said as a script and use it word for word for
yourself, it's not going to work. It's really not going to work.
It takes a deeper understanding and a more genuineness than that on your part.
And many of you looking at that approach of me saying that to my partner,
to your partner, you're going to be afraid to say it.
One of the things you are going to be thinking about is okay,
if I just acknowledge and I just tell her to do and feel whatever am I going to
be enabling her behavior.
So I want to give you a taste of how powerful this emotional appeal actually is.
So let's do a thought experiment together.
And I want you to think about something that your partner does that grinds your
gears. Something that annoys you a little bit.
And once you think about what that is,
I want you to imagine expressing it to her to say, honey, I don't like it.
When you do XYZ, I would rather you do ABC.
And I want you to imagine your partner simply giving you promises and
telling you I'll do better. Next time I promise I'll do better.
I'm never going to disappoint you again. Trust me. The future will be better.
That's the logical appeal.
So I want you to imagine how you feel if she says that if you respond in that
way now, I want you to imagine her simply you questions acknowledging. So, okay.
I understand. I acknowledge that you feel I do X, Y, Z a lot,
and that makes you feel upset. Tell me more about that.
Tell me more about how upset that makes you feel. Give me some examples of that.
Give me some ways in which I do it, that I may not be conscious of,
basically in that second approach,
all she does is she asks you questions to dig deeper into understanding what is
it exactly that you are saying? What's interesting.
If you think about the second approach, is that not once,
did she make a promise? Not once. Did she make a statement? Not once.
Did you make an assurance,
but the simple act or for changing her process and asking questions and
asking the right questions and taking on the right mindset of discovery that
alone builds trust and built safety in you because in your head,
the interpretation again,
you're making is I think things can change because I think she finally
understands it. And I think she cares enough to even ask questions about it.
So again,
this is the power of emotional appeals and that you don't need to make any
logical appeals, but it creates a great deal,
a greater deal of trust and safety than any logical appeals ever could.
So understand that if this approach of what I just said seems uncomfortable to
you. That is a good thing. You are going to be afraid naturally to say this,
to execute on this,
because that's a completely different approach than how you've been approaching
things for however many years, but understand that this change,
this discomfort is actually a good thing, because what,
you know today can only get you to where you are today.
If you want to go to somewhere different,
you have to embrace different mindsets, different approaches,
different behaviors. If you want to get somewhere different.
And many of you are still going to be afraid of what if she doesn't actually see
my changes that if I just let her go,
she would actually go away and doesn't ever want to see my changes.
If that's your fear,
then most likely you really haven't changed enough in your mindset and in your
processes to actually feel confident in yourself that your changes are
meaningful enough, that she will notice. So don't look for more tricks.
Don't look for more manipulation tactics to figure out the right words to say
here,
actually learn the right processes and actually learn the right mindset to be
able to grow yourself so that your partner can notice.
So this is really something to think about is that any logical appeals that you
can think of? The magical words, the suave words that you can imagine,
they're really useless and they're really ineffective,
and they're quite cheap in your partner design actually.
And your attachment to it, your attachment,
to wanting to stick to these logical appeals and your temptation to keep finding
that perfect set of words.
It's just an illusion given by society to tell you that this is the best way to
go, but it's really not the best way to go if you understand it in this way.
So if you really want to master the frameworks and the mindsets,
to be able to communicate on a deeper, emotional level,
not a logical level anymore, but on a deeper emotional level,
like what I just showed you here.
Then I want you to check out the masterclass that I have for you in the five
proven steps to rebuilding your relationship from the ground up.
And at the end of that master cost,
you will have a chance to apply for the relationship to the rival program in
which hundreds of are right now,
enrolled and getting a lot of results and getting a lot of understanding of how
to actually do this properly.
And once you really understand the mindsets and the frameworks to really
communicate deeply on that deep emotional level,
you'll find that communication will become a lot more effortless and building
that safety and trust will become a lot easier for you as well.
So if you want to join that master class and be sure to click the link above my
head,
or also down in the comments below or in discussion box below this video as
well. And if you're looking for a guide that can help you lead conversations,
better, you know,
conversations that never leave to arguments or conversations that actually open
your partner up and to her expressing herself to you to create a deeper
emotional bond, then you also want to click the link above my head,
or also down in the comments below or in the description below this video as
well.
And if you're looking for a community where you can post your questions and
actually get support in the challenging circumstances that you're facing,
then you also want to click the link down below this video. In the meantime,
do leave a comment below.
I would love to hear your thoughts and your questions about what was presented
here in this video. And if you found this video helpful,
if you found it eye opening that I want you to like it and subscribe to this
channel for more content like this one for now,
I'll leave you with this two other videos for more videos on the mindsets and
skills, you need to build a thriving relationship for yourself for now.
I'll see you in the next video.