♪ ♪ ♪ >> COMEDY.
IT'S NO LAUGHING MATTER, ESPECIALLY WHEN IT ATTEMPTS TO
DERIVE HUMOR FROM THE AMERICAN POLITICAL PROCESS.
THERE'S NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT IT.
EXCEPT FOR WHEN THAT FLY LANDED ON MIKE PENCE'S HEAD.
THAT WAS PRETTY GOOD.
AND YET FOR REASONS UNKNOWN, WEEK AFTER WEEK, STEPHEN COLBERT
HAS TAKEN TO "THE LATE SHOW"" AND BRAZENLY ATTEMPTED TO MAKE
JOKES IN THE RUN-UP TO THE 2020 ELECTION.
YOU CRAZY BASTARD.
HELLO, I'M SAM WATER STON.
YOU MAY RECOGNIZE ME FROM "LAW & ORDER," OR MY PERSONAL PASTA
SAUCES WHERE NONE OF THE MONEY GOES TO CHARITY.
TONIGHT I WILL BE YOUR GUIDE AS WE LOOK AT THE THE LATE SHOW
WITH STEPHEN COLBERT'S 2020 CAMPAIGN COVERAGE."
AND WHILE THIS WILL BE A COLLECTION OF SOME OF THE BEST
MOMENTS FROM "THE LATE SHOW," I ASSURE YOU THIS IS NOT SOME
SILLY "BEST OF" SHOW.
IT IS SOMETHING MUCH MORE IMPORTANT.
TONIGHT, WE FULFILL A COTRACTUAL OBLIGATION TO THE
NETWORK.
WE BEGIN WITH SOME OF COLBERT'S BEST MONOLOGUES FROM THE
DEMOCRATIC PRIMARY.
FIRST, OF COURSE, THE OPENING CREDITS.
>> IT'S "A LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT: 2020 CAMPAIGN
COVERAGE SPECIAL."
PLUS THE BEST OF CANDIDAT MONOLOGUES, THE BEST OF
CANDIDATE INTERVIEWS AND CAMPAIGN FIELD PIECES.
AND SAM WATERSTON EATING A GIANT SANDWICH.
AND NOW LIVE ON A BURCH OF TAPES FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER,
IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
>> TRUMP'S DAYS ARE NUMBERED.
AT LEAST FOR HIS FIRST TERM, BECAUSE WE'RE GETTING CLOSER AND
CLOSER TO THE NEXT PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION.
THERE ARE A LOT OF DEMOCRATS IN THIS THING.
IN FACT, HERE ARE ALL THE CANDIDATES.
( LAUGHTER )
EITHERTRUNNING OR MIGHT RUN.
THIS-- THERE'S A ( SNIFFS )
OF COURSE, WITH NEARLY 30 PEOPLE POSSIBLY VYING FOR THE
DEMOCRATIC NOMINATION, IT'S EASIER TO FOCUS ON WHO'S NOT
RUNNING AND WE'LL DO THAT IN MY NEW SEGMENT "NOT DOING IT DONKEY
STYLE."
>> NO, THANKS!
>> Stephen: FIRST BOWING OUT, HILLARY CLINTON HAS ANNOUNCED
HE'S NOT RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT IN 2020.
THAT IS TOUGH NEWS FOR REPUBLICANS.
THEY STILL HAVEN'T REALIZED SHE'S NO LONGER RUNNING IN 2016.
( LAUGHTER )
IN THERE, AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE.
RIGHT DOWN THERE.
( APPLAUSE )
VOLDERMORT IS A LIBERTARIAN.
BIDEN HAS LED EVERY NATIONAL POLL OF DEMOCRATS, WITHOUT EVEN
HAVING DECLARED HE'S RUNNING.
BUT ON SATURDAY, HE MAY HAVE ACCIDENTALLY SPILLED THE BEANS.
>> I AM THE MOST PROGRESSIVE RECORD OF ANYBODY RUNNING FOR
THE-- IF ANYBODY WHO WOULD RUN.
( APPLAUSE )
LOST A MISSTEP.
BIDEN LEADS TRUMP BY 13 POINTS.
AND IT'S NOT JUST BIDEN.
IN THE POLL, SANDERS BEATS TRUMP BY NINE POINTS, HARRIS WINS BY
EIGHT POINTS, WARREN BEATS HIM BY 7.
BUTTIGIEG AND BOOKER BOTH BEAT HIM BY FIVE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
AND-- AND SOMEHOW-- AND SOMEHOW, BILL DE BLASIO STILL LOSES BY
137%.
( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AUDIENCE RIGHT THERE.
IT IS JUST CRACKLING WITH TERRORIST IN HERE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
BECAUSE-- WE'RE LIVE AFTER THE FIRST OF TWO DEMOCRATIC
PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES.
TONIGHT, WEDNESDAY, WAS THE UNDER-CARD PITTING ELIZABETH
WARREN, CORY BOOKER, AND BETO O'ROURKE AGAINST SEVEN PEOPLE
ANGLING FOR MSNBC WHAT'S YOUR MESSAGE FOR CARDI B
AND HER FOLLOWERS.
>> I THANK HER VERY MUCH.H3 I'M VERY APPRECIATIVE TO HAVE
HER SUPPORT.
>> IT'S THE MATCH-UP OF THE CENTURY.
LOOK, I DON'T MAKE MONEY MOVES.
I MOVIE MONEY FROM THE BILLIONAIRE CLASS TO THE 99%.
I'M A DOG.
I'M A FLIRT.
AND IT'S HIGH TIME WE HAD MEDICARE.
IT IS HIGH TIME WE HAD MEDICARE FOR ALL YOU BROKE HO'S.
I KNOW A BAD BITCH WHEN I SEE ONE.
TELL RI-RI-I NEED A THREE SELL.
AFTER NIGHT ONE OF THE DEMOCRATIC DEBATE, THIS IS THE
SECOND ROUND OF DEBATES, SO WE'RE CALLING IT "DEMOCRATIC
DEBATE NIGHT-- TOO MANY CANDIDATES TO REMEMBER FORGET
HARDER."
JOE BIDEN BROKE THE ICE WITH HARRIS RIGHT OFF THE TOP.
TOP.
>> TO WHICH HARRIS RESPONDED, "I HOPE YOU'RE WEARING A CUP."
>> BIDEN DID WELL ENOUGH TO STOP SOME OF THE FEARS BUT NOT TO
GIVE PEOPLE THAT OVERWHELMING CONFIDENCE THIS IS OUR GUY.
>> I THINK BIDEN DID OKAY.
>> HE CAME THROUGH IT JUST FINE.
>> HE DID WELL ENOUGH.
WAS HE AMAZING?
WAS HE PERFECT?
WAS HE ENTIRELY CONSISTENT?
NO.
>> Stephen: THERE YOU HAVE IT.
DEMOCRATS HAVE GONE FROM, "YES WE CAN," TO "THAT WILL DO.
I'LL TAKE IT."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I'M FINE WITH THAT."
>> Jon: YOU LIKE THAT.
>> Stephen: I'M FINE WITH THAT.
BUT THERE'S PLENTY OF TIME, RIGHT?
THE ELECTION IS STILL 16 MONTHS AWAY.
YOU GOTTA HAVE A LOT OF PEOPLE AT FIRST, RIGHT?
IT'S LIKE-- IT'S LIKE-- IT'S LIKE SEA TURTLES HATCHING ON A
BEACH, OKAY.
LOTS OF BIRDS CIRCLING OVERHEAD, BUT THERE ARE THOUSANDS OF THEM.
ONE OF THEM HAS TO MAKE IT TO THE WATER.
PLUS IT'S GOING TO BE SO FUN TO WATCH THOSE BIRDS DRAG OFF BILL
DE BLASIO.
>> Jon: OH!
OH!
>> Stephen: CIRCLE OF LIFE.
SENATOR KAMALA HARRIS JUST ANNOUNCED SHE IS DROPPING OUT OF
THE RACE.
RACE.
( EXPLOSION ) THERE SHE IS, OFF TO LOW ORBIT.
WHEN IT COMES TO NOT BEING THE FIRST FEMALE PRESIDENT, SHE WAS
THAT LITTLE GIRL.
( LAUGHTER )
>> Jon: OOOOH!
>> Stephen: YOU'RE WELCOME.
( LAUGHTER )
THE RACE.
ON MONDAY, MONTANA GOVERNOR STEVE BULLOCK ALSO DROPPED OUT.
UNFORTUNATELY, DUE TO HIS LOW POLL NUMBERS, BULLOCK DID NOT
QUALIFY TO BE IN THIS JOKE.
( LAUGHTER )
THIS A LITTLE PERSONALLY BECAUSE YOU SEE BOTH HARRIS AND BULLOCK
HAD MEMORABLE APPEARANCE HERE'S ON "THE LATE SHOW"."
HARRIS WAS ON THE SHOW FOUR TIMES, INCLUDING JUST TWO WEEKS
AGO FOR HER LAST APPEARANCE ON LATE NIGHT AS A CANDIDATE.
AND REMEMBER WHO ANNOUNCED THEY WERE RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT ON MY
SHOW?
KIRSTEN GILLIBRAND AND ERIC SWALWELL.
I AM OFFICIALLY THE DEMOCRATIC PRIMARY KISS OF DEATH.
THIS ISN'T FOR SURE, BUT IT MIGHT HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH
MY GREEN WROOM I STORE MY LADDER, BROKEN MIRROR, AND BLACK
CAT COLLECTION.
IF I'M GOING TO BE A JINX, I MIGHT AS WELL USE IT TO HELP
AMERICA.
JOHN DELANEY, COME ON THIS SHOW.
IT'S TIME.
THIS WEEK, MAYOR BLOOMBERG MET WITH VOTERS IN BURLINGTON,
VERMONT, AND SHOOK A DOG'S FACE.
NO!
BAD BILLIONAIRE!
BAD!
DOWN, MIKE!
DOWN!
THE DOG ACTUALLY SEEMED TO LIKE IT.
SO NOW BLOOMBERG DOES THE SAME THING WITH ALL THE BABIES HE
MEETS.
( LAUGHTER )
TO TALK ABOUT TONIGHT, JON.
WE TALKED ABOUT THIS BEFORE.
>> Jon: YES, YES, YES.
>> Stephen: WE'VE GOT THE SUPER BOWL.
WE'VE GOT IMPEACHMENT.
WE'VE GOT GROUNDHOG DAY.
AND WE'RE CALLING OUR COVERAGE SUPER PEACH HAWK COCK.
YOU KNOW WHAT, THAT DOES NOT LOOK AS GOOD AS I THOUGHT IT
WOULD.
LET'S JUST GO WITH MONDAY.
NOW WITH ALL THE POLLS RELATIVELY TIGHT, THE CANDIDATES
ARE GETTING NASTIER WITH EACH OTHER, ESPECIALLY JOE BIDEN AND
PETE BUTTIGEIG, SEEN HERE COSPLAYING AS FATHER TIME AND
BABY NEW YEAR.
( LAUGHTER )
SAID THIS ABOUT BUTTIGIEG: >> IS THIS A ACT OF DESPERATION
ON YOUR CAMPAIGN TO BE MAKING THIS--
>> COME ON MAN.
>> MAKING THIS ASSERTION RIGHT NOW OF MAYOR BUTTIGIEG.
>> THIS GUY IS NOT A BARACK OBAMA.
>> Stephen: IS BARACK OBAMA THE ONLY MEASURE OF THINGS THAT
ARE GOOD?
"OH, MAN, THIS TURKEY RUBEN IS A REAL BARACK OBAMA.
I'LL TELL YOU, WHEN I'M DONE, LET'S HIT THE ROAD BECAUSE THE
BATHROOM HERE IS NO BARACK OBAMA.
" AFTER HER PERFORMANCE IN THE NEVADA DEBATE, WARREN IS BACK ON
THE MAP THANKS TO HER HAMMERING OF FORMER NEW YORK CITY MAYOR
MICHAEL BLOOMBERG.
BLOOMBERG HAD NOT PARTICIPATED IN ANY OF THE DEMOCRATIC
DEBATES, AND RIGHT OFF THE BAT, WARREN HIT HIM WITH THE BAT.
>> I'D LIKE TO TALK ABOUT WHO WE'RE RUNNING AGAINST.
A BILLIONAIRE WHO CALLS WOMEN FAT BROADS AND HORSE-FACED
LESBIANS.
AND, NO, I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT DONALD TRUMP.
I'M TALKING ABOUT MAYOR BLOOMBERG.
>> Jon: OH!
>> Stephen: OH, THAT'S GOT TO STING.
THOUGH, WE DID KNOW YOU WEREN'T TALKING ABOUT DONALD TRUMP
BECAUSE YOU SAID "BILLIONAIRE."
WARREN--
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: THE POINT OF THAT
PRESS CONFERENCE WAS NOT PUBLIC HEALTH, BY THE WAY.
AS THE "WASHINGTON POST" PUT IT, OFFICIALS AT TRUMP'S CORONAVIRUS
BRIEFING FOCUSED ON PREVENTING THE SPREAD OF CRITICISM OF
TRUMP.
YES, AND THAT IS VERY CONTAGIOUS.
EVERYONE I KNOW HAS IT.
I MIGHT BE PATIENT ZERO.
AND THIS DESIRE--
THIS DESIRE--
GOT TO BE CAREFUL.
STIER MAY HAVE SENSED THE END WAS NEAR FOR HIS CAMPAIGN,
BECAUSE THE NIGHT BEFORE HE REALLY CUT LOOSE AT A RALLY
WHERE HE JOINED RAPPER JUVENILE ON STAGE FOR HIS HIT "BACK THAT
AS UP."
A WHITE BILLIONAIRE DANCING WITH JUVENILE TO A SONG ABOUT BUTTS.
THE 2020 CAMPAIGN IS OFFICIALLY A MAD-LIB.
( LAUGHTER )
THREE CANDIDATES.
JIM, CAN YOU PUT THEM ALL UP?
FIRST, MAYOR PETE.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR CAMPAIGN EFFORTS.
AND IT LOOKS LIKE JORDAN.
BIDEN'S ALREADY TAKEN OVER HIS PLACE.
AND NOW AMY KLOBUCHAR, OH, JOE'S LURG HER WITH HOT DISH.
SHE CAN'T RESIST.
AND SHE'S OUT OF HERE!
AND FINALLY, WE SAY GOOD-BYE TO TOM STEYER, RIDING HIGH OFF HIS
WIN.
( APPLAUSE )
NIGHT.
HE WAS IN THE SUPER TUESDAY STATE OF NOWK, AND HE PANDERED
IN A REALLY STRANGE WAY.
>> YOU KNOW, ERIC AND LAURA NAMED THEIR DAUGHTER.
YOU KNOW WHAT HER NAME IS?
CAROLINA.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
REASON.
>> Stephen: FOR A REASON?
( LAUGHTER )
THINGS HE NEEDS TO WIN REELECTION?
"THESE ARE MY GRANDDAUGHTERS, CAROLINA AND PENNSYLVANIA.
THOSE ARE MY GRANDSONS, VOTER SUPPRESSION, RUST BELT COAL
MINOR WHO VOTES AGAINST HIS ECONOMIC SELF-INTEREST, AND, OF
COURSE-- AND OF COURSE LITTLE KU KLUXESXKENNY.
I LOVE YOU.
>> JUST A FEW DAYS AGO THE PUNDITS DECLARED THE CAMPAIGN
DEAD.
I AM HERE TO REPORT WE ARE VERY MUCH ALIVE!
>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT, FOLKS!
THEY SAID WE WERE DEAD!
BUT THEN THEY DUG ME UP, STRAPPED ME TO A METAL SLAB, HIT
ME WITH SOME LIGHTNING AND FRANKENSTEINED ME BACK, JACK.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
SO IT'S TIME TO SAY GOOD-BYE TO ELISABETH WARREN.
OH!
( WHISTLE ( HERE COMES HER HORSE.
RIDE, LIZZIE!
RIDE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SANDERS.
SHOWDOWN AT HIGH NOON RIGHT BEFORE THEY BOTH EAT DINNER.
( LAUGHTER )
THE OLDEST PRESIDENT IN U.S.
HISTORY, SO IT'S GOING TO BE IMPORTANT THEY CHOOSE A RUNNY
MATE THAT IS EXPERIENCED, YET SEEMS A LOT YOUNGER.
SO...
JIMMY CARTER.
A FEW MONTHS AGO IT WAS GREAT.
IT WAS THE HOLIDAYS.
I WAS DRUNK ON EGG NOG.
I WAS WATCHING CHEER.
I WAS FALLING IN LOVE WITH BABY YODA.
I WAS LOOKING-- I WAS LOOKING FORWARD.
I WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO IMPEACHING THE FROM THE.
REMEMBER THAT FEELING.
( CHEERING )
JOHN BOLTON IS GOING TO TESTIFY IN THE SENATE!
REPUBLICANS ARE GOING TO DO THE RIGHT THING!
IT'S ONLY MARCH.
( LAUGHTER )
MADE ME NOSTALGIC FOR 2019.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> COMING UP, MORE OF STEPHEN COLBERT'S BEST CAMPAIGN
MONOLOGUES.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE FINALLY GOING TO GET A CHANCE TO BINGE
WATCH ALL THAT TOILET PAPER YOU BOUGHT.
YOU BETTER WATCH IT, JACK, BECAUSE I'M COMING FOR IT.