My child won't act his age I heard this one pretty commonly I
Brought home a 12 year old so that they would be independent, but my son's not independent
What's that about or
I brought home a six-year-old
So we didn't have the potty training and the diapers and I thought we could just kind of go back to life
And what's that about?
My eight-year-old still wants to come to my bed at night cuz he says he's afraid
My six-year-old still needs me to help her get dressed in the mornings. What's that about well,
It's a lot of a lot about what needs haven't been met. We have some friends who are researchers in
Washington who say if you didn't teach your child
Something don't don't assume they know it
We have children coming home from orphanages who've never been in a kitchen one of the Russian girl that I know
Put her hand in a skillet because she'd never seen
Something hot on the stove like that and it turned
Red and she seared her hand because she'd never even been in the kitchen
Obviously some major developmental experiences have been missed but more importantly and more subtly
brain development
Has been missed one of the most powerful studies that I have seen in the last 15 years
Came out a few years ago
Dr. Author Becker Whiteman took 57 children who were fostered or adopted they all had psychiatric diagnoses and
they were I believe aged four to like 17 and
The average age of these children was nine years nine months
Doctor dr. Becker Weidman administered a developmental scale called the Vineland adapt to fit of all of mental scale and
Then he looked at the data on kids that are
Essentially an average of 10 years of age nine years nine months
And what he discovered was
in terms of their brain
development
capacity for reasoning
capacity from logic capacity for thinking problem-solving
Interacting, although their average chronological ages nine years nine months their average
Developmental age was four years
four months
stark
contrast in terms of what they're really capable of a
Child with a physical disability has an advantage
Because I see this child as crippled. I see this child has an arm missing. I see this child has
a
Cleft palate or a cleft lip
I don't expect them to be able to do some tasks that I would expect of another child their age
But here's this child
6 8 12 16 they look perfect in every way and so it's very easy for me to assume they're being
belligerent or willful or
Manipulative or controlling or they're just being babies. I
ask parents
never
Never turn away your child when they come to you with a need
Don't say you are too big to be scared at night. Please. Don't say that
don't say
You are too big to ask me to help you tie your shoes, big boys tie their own shoes. Please don't do that
Remember that they only have brain development as they have trusting loving consisting
interaction with a caring adult
When your child has a need?
Celebrate that need
When your child gives you voice
Celebrate that they give you voice
When your child tells you something they want
Celebrate that they came to you
make a
big deal
If you're afraid and you need to come to me in the night, that's ok
You come anytime you need to come?
daddy
And I will snuggle you for 15 minutes and then look we're gonna put this special palette beside the bed
Or you can go with me to the mall and buy a special bedroom
We'll keep it rolled up at the foot of the bed. And anytime you're scared come snuggle with us
And then because we won't sleep the rest of the night if you're in our bed
You can lay beside the bed and hold our hand or we'll come lay down with you and pray with you
don't
Give spiritual answers though. Don't go I'm praying for you before bedtime. So don't come to me in the night. I
Know God is real because your fingerprints show me his love
So I will pray for you while I hold you. I will sing a psalm over you while I rock you I
Will cradle you and put a bandaid on the boo-boo while I tell you if God's love
Meet those needs celebrate those needs your child's brain simply is not the same as a child
Who's been protected and cared for from consumption forward at times?
I become frustrated with my kids in their behaviors
And I'm tempted to say what I think every parent has been tempted to say. Why don't you just act your age?
the reality is that many of our kids come from a history of abuse and neglect and harm and
Developmentally, they're not the same age as they are chronologically
I think we can morph and fall into this trap as parents of adopted and foster kids
Then looking around and saying why aren't you more like that 8 year old or more like that 6 year older?
Why can't you do the same things they?
Do or why do you still have fears and issues that they don't have I never will forget one time
One of my little guys came to me and he wanted me to help him do something that frankly
Every kid his age should be able to do or at least I thought and I became visibly frustrated
I was I was ugly to him for no good reason
Only the fact that I was frustrated that he couldn't do something that I thought he could do at his age
And I remember him looking up at me with tears welling up in his eyes and he said dad
I just need your help. You're the big person here and I remember thinking vividly. I'm saying to him
why don't you act your age and it's almost as if he in his childlike way with wisdom beyond his year saying why don't you
act yours
The reality is that we need as adoptive and foster parents
Called by God to come alongside our kids and to help them heal and become whole
We need to celebrate their needs for as long as those needs exist
Because it's in meeting those needs that we have the greatest privilege
Which is to be all that God's called us to be in their healing journey
You