Today we shall read from the gospel of Browning
[Book opens]
In the beginning was the 1911,
and the 1911 was THE pistol,
and it was good.
And behold the Lord said,
"Thou shalt not muck with my disciple John's work,
for it is good
and it workith.
For John made the 1911,
and lo all of his weapons,
from the designs which I, the Lord,
gave him upon the mountain."
"And shouldst thou muck with it,
and hang all manner of foul implements upon it,
and profane its internal parts,
thou shalt surely have malfunctions,
and in the midst of battle thou shalt surely
come to harm."
And as the ages passed,
and men in their ignorance and arrogance
didst forget the word of the Lord
and began to profane the 1911.
The tribe of the gamesman
did place recoil spring guides
and extended slide releases upon the 1911
and their metal smiths did tighten the tolerances
and alter parts to their liking,
their clearness of mind being clouded by lust.
Their artisans did hang all manner of foul implements
upon the 1911
and did so alter it that it became
impractical to purchase.
For lo, the artisans did charge a
great tax upon the purchasers of the 1911 so that
the lowly field worker could no longer afford one.
And the profaning of the internal parts
did render it unworkable when the dust
of the land fell upon it,
and these profaners didst try to
fit more than
more rounds of ammunition into the magazines
than the holy number of seven,
appointed for thine .45
And lo, they didst install adjustable sights,
which are an abomination unto the Lord.
For they doth break and lose their zero
when thou dost need true aim.
And those who have done so will be slain
in great numbers by their enemies in a great battle.
And it came to pass
that the Lord didst see the abomination wrought by man
and did cause,
as he had warned,
fearful malfunctions to come upon the abominations
and upon the artisans
who thought they could do no wrong.
Seeing the malfunctions and the confusion of men,
the lord of the underworld
did see an opportunity to further ensnare man
and didst bring forth pistols made of plastic,
whose form was such that they looked
and felt like a brick,
yet the eyes of man being clouded,
they were consumed by the plastic pistol
and did buy vast quantities of them.
[Page turns quietly]
And being a deceitful spirit,
the lord of the underworld
did make these plastic pistols,
unamenable to the artisans of earth
and they were unable to muck much with these designs,
and lo these pistols did appear to function.
And the evil one also brought forth pistols,
in which the trigger didst both cock and fire them,
and which require a "dingus" to make them appear safe.
But man being stupid
did not understand these new pistols
and didst proceed to shoot themselves
with the plastic pistol
and with the trigger cocking pistols
for lo their manual of arms required great intelligence
which man had long since forgotten.
Yet man continue to gloat over these new pistols
blaming evil forces for the negligent discharges
which they, thine selfs, had committed.
And when man had been totally ensnared
with the plastic pistol,
the lord of the underworld didst cause a plague
of the terrible Ka-Boom
to descend upon man
and the great plastic pistols
delivered their retribution upon men.
And there was a great wailing
and gnashing of teeth in the land.
Then seeing that the eyes of man
were slowly being opened
and that man was truly sorrowful
for his sinful misdeeds,
the Lord did send his messengers
in the form of artisans
who did hear and obey the teachings of the prophet
and who didst restore the profaned 1911s
to their proper configuration,
and lo, to the amazement of men
they didst begin to work as the Lord,
and Browning had intended.
And the men of the land didst drive out the charlatans
profaners from the land,
and there was joy and peace in the land,
except for the evil spirits which occasionally
tried to prey on the men and women of the land
and were sent to the place of eternal damnation
by the followers of Browning.
Amen.
[Book closes]