- Decker.
Agent Jackson, you'll be working with him on this mission.
- Agent Jackson, let's get one thing straight,
I don't like orders and I don't play by the rules.
I trust you heard of me?
- Actually, no, I haven't.
- Ohhh.
Hubba hubba.
♪ Well, I want you but I don't need ya ♪
(poppy club music)
- That's right, Sergeant Krandle,
United States Army recruiter.
How y'all doing?
This my associate Sergeant Grampacks.
Yeah. - Huh, huh, huh, huh.
Nice beat, gentlemen.
- We wanna talk to you about your future
and where you fit in the United States Army y'all.
- In case you haven't heard,
we're asking and you're telling.
- That's right, no restrictions, man.
You gon' be surrounded by dudes all day.
Y'all can exercise together.
You can shower together.
- Talking bout soap, water, the works.
- Now, I know what you're thinking,
the army's dangerous,
but the fact of the matter is everything's dangerous.
- All depends on what your definition
of the word danger is.
- Uh-oh, yeah.
- What! - What!
- Oh, here we go. - Oh, we gotta friend.
- Hey, Navy already got him.
(Key chuckling)
But you're better off in the Army,
cause we gon' get you in the best shape in your whole life.
- Whoo!
Talking about a six pack.
- Blip!
- Gon' give you an eight pack.
- Sklimp!
- Hey, we'll even give you a jet pack!
(Key laughing)
- That's a joke, man, he a joker, he a funny guy.
We ain't got jet packs.
- Whoa, whoaaaa!
- Oh, that's my cut.
- Go ahead, go ahead.
Hey, hey, hey.
You got to isolate,
then isolate
then is-o-late.
- Oh yeah!
Tell you something right now, man.
Combat is just a buncha men in a tight space
with flashing lights and loud noises!
(Peele beatboxing)
- Just like this!
Yeah, you'll fit right in at home!
- It's gon' be great, man, y'all gonna love it.
Oh, here it is.
Can't stop it, can't stop it, what.
- Go Krandle.
Sergeant Krandle.
Krandle, Krandle, Krandle and
hold it.
Hold it.
And hold it right there.
- Whoo!
I'm a robot!
(Key knocking on stall door)
Excuse me in there, young man.
Have you ever thought about joining the United States Army?
Yes, oh, oh, excuse me.
I will talk to you two later, pardon me.
(helicopter chopping)
(eerie dramatic music)
- Decker.
Agent Jackson,
you'll be working with him on this mission.
- Agent Jackson, let's get one thing straight,
I don't like orders and I don't play by the rules.
I trust you heard of me?
- Actually, no I haven't.
- Ohhh.
Hubba hubba.
- We don't have much time.
The Arachnid agents have taken over the consult.
- We need to get you in and resolve this from the inside.
We've taken the latest sit-rep of the hostiles' position
and we've reconstructed
a holographic blueprint of the consulate.
- Save the mouth squirt for the new recruits, General.
Not gonna be impressed by any fancy, new technology!
(Decker grunting fearfully)
(Decker breathing hard)
- It's just a 3D representation.
Pretty standard these days.
- Right.
I know what it is.
- Agent Jackson,
you will enter through this AC duct
on the south side of the building.
- Yes, sir.
- Decker,
you will be dropped on top
and then you will gain access through this elevator shaft.
We want you to go down to the fourth floor.
Make ...
Decker!
You okay?
- Heard everything you said.
Elevator shaft.
It's bright.
- Yeah, it's bright.
The terrorists are located on the third and fifth floor
of the building.
Each floor has six groups of six men.
What we're gonna want you to do
is stop in the middle of the fourth
and pry open the elevator door and go ...
I just want you to move through that elevator door
and then go ...
Pry open ...
Elevator door and go down to the third floor ...
Okay, maybe this isn't gonna work out.
- Why?
What's the matter, General?
Everybody's putting their hand in the laser.
- It's not a laser.
It's a hologram.
- Tomato tomato.
Look, what's with all the babysitting and handholding?
Papa's a big boy.
- Let's zoom into the interior.
- Yeah, let's zoom in.
(Decker yelling in shock)
Let's cut to the chase.
Why am I here?
- Your primary target is your old rival from the Cold War,
Nikolai Andrekovich.
Now, Andrekovich has been leading a -
- Here's here!
(Agent Jackson moaning in pain)
- What?
Jackson!
Dammit.
(dramatic music)
Good job, Decker.
Jackson was an undercover agent for Arachnid.
How in the world did you know?
- Ain't my first rodeo.
(Decker screaming in pain)
Hot!
In my day, we made coffee hot.
- He's here, he's here.
- Come on, baby, get your sign.
Brandon, bring the camera.
Come on, let's go.
Hold it out, hold it out right for Daddy,
so Daddy can see.
There you go.
(dog barking)
- Rocky!
My boy!
There's my boy!
- [Child] He brought me a teddy bear.
- [Mom] He did bring you a teddy bear.
- Oh my Gosh, look at this good boy.
Hey, you want that?
You want that toy?
- [Child] Why isn't he coming, Mommy?
- [Mom] He's coming, he's coming.
- [Dad] Oh my Gosh, I love you so much, Rock.
Hey, let's go, come on, boy.
Good dog, good dog, there we go.
Oh, I missed her so much!
That's my Rocky!
- Gentlemen, it has been a pleasure and an honor
to meet you and your people.
The US government supports you in every possible way.
(Ambassador slapping bug on his head)
Ideologically, of course.
However, we cannot offer any military aid at this time.
- With all due respect, Ambassador,
we need more than that.
- We are dealing with terrorism on a daily basis.
- Oh, that's unfortunate.
- Warlords overrun villages.
- Yes, that's regrettable.
- Rapes, tortures,
all manner of human atrocity.
- That's really sad,
but the US military is simply spread too thin.
We can't afford another intervention at this time.
- But what we could use your help with, really,
is protecting our vulnerable, plentiful,
and newly discovered oil reserves.
- Oil?
Excuse me, one second.
(walkie talkie beeping)
Operation Golden Eagle is a go.
(helicopters chopping)
(people gasping)
(planes and helicopters roaring)
Welcome to democracy.
(war drums beating)
- We also have natural gases!
- Oh, yes a lot!
Lots of it!
- Commander (indistinct)
Our forces have been devastated.
The enemy is at the edge of the village.
There are not many of us left.
Should we surrender?
- You may surrender, Django,
but I'm afraid that is a luxury I cannot afford.
You have no idea what they do to warlords.
If they capture me,
they will torture me for weeks.
That is no way to go.
I want you,
my most trusted soldier over the age of eight,
to take my life.
That is
my final order.
(General screaming)
(Django stabbing Key)
(General screaming)
Stop, stop!
What the hell are you doing?
(General screaming)
- I was trying to kill you, sir.
- Not with this!
There's a gun in the drawer!
(General groaning in pain)
- Ohhhh.
So sorry, okay.
- Amazing.
You missed every vital organ, Django.
- Found it!
- Alright, now kill me, Django, hurry, please!
(gun firing)
(General screaming)
Not in the knee!
- I thought you might want an open casket.
- You are an idiot!
(General groaning in pain)
- Don't say that, I did try my best.
- Shoot me in the head, you imbecile.
- Goodbye, Commander.
You sorry-ass piece of sh -
(gun clicking)
- Did you just insult me as you were about to fire?
- Oh, well,
you had insulted me earlier.
I thought you would be dead.
Ooh, so sorry.
- Ow!
Ow!
Ow! Ow!
Stop, stop it!
What the hell are you doing?
- Gun is empty.
Would you like I stab you again?
- No, no, no, please!
Django, there are bullets.
They are over there!
- Okay.
- Django, please hurry, I am in agony!
(pot hitting General)
(General screaming)
What the blazes, man?
- I thought I could kill you very quick
by hitting you with that big cooking pot.
- Oh my God, would you please,
I mean, please get it over with?
- I did not find the bullets.
- What?
- But better,
boiling hot water.
- What are you going to do with -
(General screaming)
I surrender!
I am the General (indistinct)
- Commander, don't go!
They'll torture you!
(dramatic, suspenseful music)
(birds chirping)
- I was wondering when I would come in here to find you
sitting in that chair.
- Wasn't easy tracking you down, Decker.
- Wasn't supposed to be.
- I know you've retired, but -
- That's all behind me now, General.
I'm not the man you knew during the Cold War.
- I understand.
We're now facing a threat
unlike any we've ever faced before.
A man with your expertise ...
- I made a vow
never to kill another human being.
Sorry, General.
Gonna have to find someone else.
- Oh.
No.
We weren't thinking you'd do it.
We were
(General clearing his throat)
just hoping you could recommend someone for the job.
- I guess I could come out of retirement.
- No.
No need.
Just a recommendation will do.
- Alright.
(Decker stabbing table)
I'll do it.
- You know, you're just not what we're looking for.
- You sly son of a bitch.
You always knew how to push my buttons.
I'm in.
- Not
you,
Decker.
- Sharp as I ever was,
even faster too.
Grab my hand.
Nope.
Wait til I count to three first.
One,
two,
three.
Okay.
I want you to try and slap me in the face.
(General slapping Decker)
Ohhh, wasn't ready for that.
Try again.
(General slapping Decker)
Okay, you know what?
- What?
- Didn't have my adrenaline up
cause this is not an actual high stakes situation.
Alright.
Draw your weapon.
And disarmed.
(gun clicking)
You're getting pretty quick.
And disarmed, okay.
I don't need to take your weapon.
You know what?
Shoot me.
- I am not going to shoot you.
- Wing me in the shoulder.
- This is ridiculous.
- Try, General.
See what happens.
(gun firing)
Deflected.
Owwww!
- Okay, I made a mistake coming here.
- Wing me in the other shoulder.
- I'd rather not.
- [Decker] I insist.
(gun firing)
(Decker screaming)
That was because my other arm was already injured.
- Okay, I'm leaving.
- Alright.
All or nothing.
Gut shot.
- No!
- Gut shot, come on!
If you can shoot me in the gut, I'll concede.
- Decker, you have two wounded arms.
- Gut shot! Go!
(gun firing)
Caught it.
(Decker groaning weakly)
- You caught the bullet?
(Decker groaning weakly)
So, you're telling me that the bullet
is in between your hands
right now?
- That's what I'm telling you.
Is that all you got?
Come on.
Head shot.
(Decker groaning weakly)
Head shot, let's go.
I'm ready.
Wait one second, though.
(gun firing)