WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
IT'S BEEN AN EXCITING DAY.
I'M STILL EXCITED.
>> Jon: YEAH.
>> Stephen: LET'S JUST SAY THERE IS A REASON
THEY'RE SHOOTING ME FROM THE WAIST UP, RIGHT NOW.
( LAUGHTER ) I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW IF I HAVE A FULL TRUMP-ON, BUT I'M DEFINITELY
SPORTING A DONALD JUNIOR.
OKAY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'RE GOOD.
WE'RE GOOD.
LAST NIGHT, I TOLD Y'ALL ABOUT HOW DON, JR. MET WITH A RUSSIAN
LAWYER, WHO CLAIMED TO HAVE DIRT ON HILLARY CLINTON.
SEEMED PRETTY BAD.
TURNED OUT, THOUGH, MUCH WORSE BECAUSE, THEN, THE "NEW YORK
TIMES" REPORTED THAT "TRUMP JR. WAS TOLD IN AN EMAIL THAT THIS
WAS A RUSSIAN EFFORT TO AID TRUMP'S CAMPAIGN."
WOW.
WHO COULD HAVE PREDICTED AN EMAIL SCANDAL WOULD TAINT A
PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN?
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S DAMNING!
YOU CAN'T HAVE THAT!
YOU CAN'T -- YOU CAN'T HAVE THAT!
>> Jon: YOU -- CAN'T -- HAVE -- THAT!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: BUT WE DID NOT KNOW IF THESE E-MAILS WERE EVEN
REAL.
AND HOW WOULD WE EVER SEE THEM?
FOR THAT, DONALD TRUMP JR. WOULD HAVE TO TWEET THEM OUT THIS
MORNING AT 11:00 A.M.!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
WHAAAT?!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WHO TOLD HIM TO DO THIS?
DOES HE EVEN HAVE A LAWYER?
BECAUSE YOU RARELY SEE A COP SHOW WHERE THE LAWYER BURSTS
INTO THE INTERROGATION ROOM AND SHOUTS, "KEEP TALKING!
IN FACT, TWEET OUT EVERYTHING YOU KNOW!"
COME ON!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
YET, REINCE PRIEBUS SAID THIS WHOLE STORY IS A NOTHING BURGER.
THESE E-MAILS TURNED IT INTO AN ALL YOU CAN SEE BUFF GUY.
DON, JR.'S EMAILS WERE WITH BRITISH MUSIC PUBLICIST AND GUY
WHO TONY SOPRANO WHACKED IN SEASON 3, ROB GOLDSTONE.
HE MET THE TRUMPS AT THE 2013 MISS UNIVERSE PAGEANT IN MOSCOW.
I BELIEVE HIS JOB WAS TO REMOVE ALL THE LOCKS FROM THE DRESSING
ROOM DOORS.
SO LET'S DIVE IN.
REMEMBER, IT'S GOING TO TAKE CAREFUL PARSING TO PROVE THAT
THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN WAS PRIVATELY COLLUDING WITH RUSSIA TO GET
DAMAGING CONFIDENTIAL INFORMATION ABOUT HILLARY
CLINTON.
THIS IS THE FIRST EMAIL.
"SUBJECT: RUSSIA-- CLINTON-- PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL."
( LAUGHTER ) LET'S STOP RIGHT THERE.
I THINK WE CAN PAUSE.
WE SHOULD TALK A PAUSE, MAYBE EVEN HYDRATE.
>> Jon: A WORTHY CAUSE.
>> Stephen: WE ARE FIVE WORDS IN, AND FOUR
OF THEM ARE "RUSSIA, CLINTON, PRIVATE, CONFIDENTIAL."
THE ONLY ONE THAT'S INNOCENT IS "AND."
GOLDSTONE GOES ON TO WRITE ABOUT THEIR MUTUAL ACQUAINTANCE,
RUSSIAN POP SINGER EMIN AGALAROV.
"GOOD MORNING.
EMIN JUST CALLED AND ASKED ME TO CONTACT YOU WITH SOMETHING VERY
INTERESTING.
THE CROWN PROSECUTOR OF RUSSIA MET WITH HIS FATHER ARAS THIS
MORNING AND, IN THEIR MEETING, OFFERED TO PROVIDE THE TRUMP
CAMPAIGN WITH SOME OFFICIAL DOCUMENTS AND INFORMATION THAT
WOULD INCRIMINATE HILLARY AND HER DEALINGS WITH RUSSIA AND
WOULD BE VERY USEFUL TO YOUR FATHER."
( COUGHING ) SORRY.
I GOT A LITTLE COUGH BECAUSE OF THIS SMOKING GUN.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) GOLDSTONE COULD NOT BE CLEARER
THAT THIS WAS GOING TO BE SHADY STUFF.
JRVETLE "THIS IS OBVIOUSLY VERY
HIGH-LEVEL AND SENSITIVE INFORMATION."
YES, OBVIOUSLY.
THAT'S WHY HE ENCRYPTED HIS COMMUNIQUE WITH AN ALGORITHM
THAT CYBER SECURITY EXPERTS CALL "EMAIL."
( LAUGHTER ) OKAY?
>> Jon: GETTING ALL IN THERE.
>> Stephen: AND JUST A REMINDER, THESE
EMAILS WERE LEAKED BY DONALD TRUMP, JR.
HE IS HIS OWN DEEP THROAT.
HE'S DEEP-THROATING HIMSELF.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S IMPRESSIVE.
IT'S IMPRESSIVE.
( APPLAUSE ) YOU DON'T SEE THAT EVERY DAY.
>> Jon: WHOA!
WHOA!
>> Stephen: JUST TO MAKE SURE THAT THERE'S
NO DOUBT ABOUT THE RADIOACTIVE CRIMINALITY OF THIS MEETING,
GOLDSTONE SPELLS OUT THAT IT'S "PART OF RUSSIA AND ITS
GOVERNMENT'S SUPPORT FOR MR. TRUMP."
THIS COULDN'T BE ANY MORE DAMNING IF GOLDSTONE HAD SENT
HIM AN EVITE -- "YOU ARE INVITED TO COMMIT 'TREE-SON.'
'WOOD' YOU LIKE TO BETRAY YOUR COUNTRY?"
YES.
NO.
YES.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
IT'S FUNNY.
>> Jon: YES.
YES AND NO.
>> Stephen: IT'S FUNNY, BECAUSE IT'S TREE-SON.
( LAUGHTER ) SO, NATURALLY, WHEN DON, JR.
LEARNED THAT A HOSTILE FOREIGN POWER WAS TRYING TO UNDERMINE
OUR DEMOCRACY, HE IMMEDIATELY REPORTED IT TO THE F.B.I.
JUST KIDDING.
( LAUGHTER ) SORRY, COULDN'T KEEP A STRAIGHT
FACE.
17 MINUTES LATER, DON, JR. RESPONDED, "THANKS, ROB, I
APPRECIATE THAT.
IF IT'S WHAT YOU SAY, I LOVE IT, ESPECIALLY LATER IN THE SUMMER."
JUST TO MAKE IT CLEAR, HE ALSO ATTACHED THIS PICTURE -- "I LOVE
CRIME IN THE SUMMERTIME!" ( LAUGHTER )
THAT'S A WEIRD WAY TO SAY IT -- I LOVE IT, ESPECIALLY IN THE
SUMMER?
YOU'RE NOT DESCRIBING A SPARKLING ROSE WITH SOME TOASTED
FIGS AND SOFT BRIE, YOU FLAMING DOUCHEBAG!
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) LATER IN THE SUMMARY, THAT WOULD
BE GREAT.
MAYBE AT THE CAPE WE CAN GO UP AND COLLUDE.
( LAUGHTER ) AND I CAN'T SAY THIS ENOUGH --
DON, JR. RELEASED THESE EMAILS HIMSELF.
HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?
DID HE LOCK HIMSELF IN THE BATHROOM WHILE HIS LAWYER BANGED
ON THE DOOR, YELLING, "YOU BETTER NOT BE TWEETING OUT YOUR
EMAILS, YOUNG MAN!" "NO, I'M NOT, I'M, I'M
MASTURBATING!" ( LAUGHTER )
PAINTED A PICTURE.
( LAUGHTER ) SO AT THIS POINT, I WOULD LIKE
TO ISSUE A FORMAL APOLOGY.
( SOFT MUSIC ) I'D LIKE TO APOLOGIZE TO ERIC
TRUMP.
WE ALWAYS THOUGHT YOU WERE THE DUMB ONE, AND WE WERE WRONG.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU KNOW WHO ELSE COULDN'T
BELIEVE DON, JR. PUBLISHED THESE EMAILS?
THE JOURNALISTS WHO'VE BEEN TRYING TO DIG THEM UP FOR
MONTHS.
ONE REPORTER TWEETED: "I... WORKED ON THIS STORY FOR A
YEAR... AND... HE JUST... HE TWEETED IT OUT.
LIKE... I SPENT HOURS AND DAYS AND WEEKS AND MONTHS.
AND HIS SON JUST, HIT TWEET.
( LAUGHTER ) I TRACKED DOWN SOURCES.
FOLLOWED SO MANY DEAD LEADS.
I LABORED OVER THIS.
AND THEN HE JUST, YOU KNOW, TWEETED OUT THE PROOF.
( APPLAUSE ) LIKE, SO MANY PEOPLE OUT THERE
WERE TRYING TO TRACK THIS DOWN.
AND IT JUST... GOT DELIVERED ON A TWEET.
WHAT THE HELL?" ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) I APPLAUD HIM.
YEAH.
THAT'S RIGHT, FAKE NEWS.
YOU GOT SCOOPED BY DONNIE, JR.!
HA HA!
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, AT THE TOP OF HIS EMAIL
SCOOP, DON, JR. ISSUED A STATEMENT: "TO EVERYONE... "
OOOH, THAT INCLUDES ME!
I'M ONE OF EVERY.
LET'S GO.
"IN ORDER TO BE TOTALLY TRANSPARENT, I AM RELEASING THE
ENTIRE EMAIL CHAIN OF MY EMAILS."
TRULY HIS FATHER'S SON.
( LAUGHTER ) "THE FIRST EMAIL ON JUNE 3, 2016
WAS FROM ROB, WHO WAS RELATING A REQUEST FROM EMIN.
THE INFORMATION THEY SUGGESTED THEY HAD ABOUT HILLARY CLINTON,
I THOUGHT WAS POLITICAL OPPOSITION RESEARCH."
SEE?
IT'S JUST POLITICAL OPPOSITION RESEARCH.
PERFECTLY INNOCENT.
EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT HE'S TOTALLY GUILTY.
BECAUSE THERE'S THIS LAW THAT SAYS, "A FOREIGN NATIONAL SHALL
NOT, DIRECTLY OR INDIRECTLY, MAKE A CONTRIBUTION OR A
DONATION OF MONEY OR OTHER THING OF VALUE."
YOU KNOW WHAT OPPO RESEARCH IS?
A THING OF VALUE.
THAT'S WHY YOU TOOK THE MEETING, YOU NUMBNUT.
I'M SORRY, THAT WAS DISRESPECTFUL.
I SHOULD USE HIS PROPER NAME: "INMATE 41715, JR."
( APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER )
BUT HE CONTINUED HIS DEFIANT CONFESSION:
"TO PUT THIS IN CONTEXT, THIS OCCURRED BEFORE THE CURRENT
RUSSIAN FEVER WAS IN VOGUE."
"YEAH, I WAS INTO COLLUDING WITH RUSSIA YEARS AGO.
I HAVE BOOTLEG COLLUSION.
IN '99, I SAW SERGEI KISLYAK IN A BASEMENT IN MADISON, WISCONSIN
DOING AN ACOUSTIC SET WITH NEUTRAL MILK HOTEL."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: YEAH, YEAH...
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: DON, JR. HAS NOW
HIRED AN ATTORNEY THAT HE'S CLEARLY NOT
LISTENING TO, NAMED ALAN FUTERFAS -- WHICH I BELIEVE IS
THE ACTIVE INGREDIENT IN RICOLA.
NOW, FUTERFAS, BESIDES BEING A MOB LAWYER, FUTERFAS IS ALSO A
"JUILLIARD-TRAINED TROMBONIST."
THAT'S GOING TO COME IN REAL HANDY AT THE END OF THE TRIAL
WHEN THEY NEED SOMEONE TO PLAY "MWAH MWAH WAAAH."
( LAUGHTER ) "MWAH MWAH WAAAH."
YOU GOT IT OVER THERE?