♪♪
[audience cheering]
Susan:
[with a lisp] Hello!
And welcome to "Beauty Tips with Susan Weebers."
Now with two cameras!
I'm Susan Weebers.
Today, before we get started
with my usual pristine makeup tips,
I would like to give a shout-out
to all FIVE of my subscribers!
Which coincidentally is the same number of bank accounts
my mom has.
Hey guys!
And to all the haters in the comments section:
The haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate.
But as the great poet Taylor Swift once said,
I'm feeling 22!
Today, we are going to talk about getting a beautiful,
romantic, Valentine's day look--
because who doesn't want to look in love?!
[distant meow]
SHUT UP, CARL!
First things first, you must secure your Valentine's date.
The best way to get a date is to hand out a valentine
to every boy you've ever met.
Make sure your valentine represents you.
I went to the store and asked the lady
for a cat/Richard Simmons valentine,
and she just stared at me for a long time.
So I made my own!
[audience laughs and cheers]
It's beautiful!
Now, once you secure your man candy,
it's time to glamorize.
Don't forget to accessorize.
My grandma was buried in this brooch!
First thing's first, let's talk about the face--
also known as the kissing zone.
Contouring is all the rage right now,
and it's a simple, easy way
to look like a beautiful robot.
First things first: Add the contour.
Draw a line up your cheekbones
and on the sides of your nose.
'Kay?
Next comes the highlight!
Draw a line just above the contour line,
on your nose, and down the center of your eyes.
Ta-da!
Next, blend with sand paper!
You know what they say...
pain is beauty--
especially while bleeding.
Do I look like a Kardashian?
Lastly, add a spritz of perfume to add some glamor.
Now, perfume can be pricey,
and my mom won't let me touch her valuables anymore,
so I just like to use Lysol and wishful thinking!
It stings, but at least I'm disinfected.
Also, don't forget about blush.
I made my own blush for such occasions as this,
and it's made out of flour, synthetic sparkles,
and something I found in the backyard!
You can also use three pink pixie sticks,
but the color won't last as long.
Also, beware of hawks.
They are attracted to the sugar.
They tried and almost succeeded to eat out my eyes.
If it weren't for these thick prescription glasses,
I'd be wearing TWO RICHARD SIMMONS EYE PATCHES
RIGHT NOW.
Apply liberally for an in-love glow.
[coughing]
Do I look like I've been impaled by cupid's arrow?
Now you're ready for your Valentine's date!
If you follow each of these steps,
the hottest guys in school will be lining 'round the block
to get with this honey.
[doorbell]
[distant meow]
SHUT UP, CARL, MOM WILL GET IT!
[meow]
Oh, it's another male suitor.
- Susan, please, you gotta go on one date with me,
for my street cred.
- All right, Carl.
- [sigh] Uh, my name's not Carl, but--
- It is now.
- Oh, all right, well--
- Just shut up, Carl.
- Okay.
[audience cheering]
- Hey guys, thanks for watching.
Make sure you subscribe to our channel.
- And be sure to share this with someone
who could use these tips this Valentine's day.
- That's right, how about you comment
your dream Valentine's day date?
My dream would be to eat pizza and take a nap.
- That is my daily activity.
Am I lonely?
- I think so.
- Lonely with pizza.