[echoing] Polybius...
Polybius...
[distorted, fading] Polybius, Polybius, Polybius, Polybius...
This is... Polybius!
It is probably a fake...
35, 31, 11, 51...
♫ He's gonna take you back to the past ♫
Don't look! Don't look! Turn the video off right now!!
[zap]
[click!]
[rip!]
[thunk!]
[mechanical whirring]
ROBONERD: Dead or alive, these games fuckin' suck!
AVGN: And of course, because they're based on a great movie!
Y'know, "RoboCop!"
RoboCop, the story of Detroit police officer Alex Murphy,
who's brutally executed and revived as a superhuman cyborg.
The original Robocop is an ultra-violent, sci-fi action film,
and was fuckin' awesome!
It spawned two film sequels,
and even a shitty television series.
So of course there had to be video games, especially on the NES.
But with Nintendo, it always seemed like they were censoring stuff, to make it more family friendly.
So, how did an R-rated franchise get made into an NES game??
Come to think of it, it's amazing that so many R-rated movies got turned into NES games.
Rambo, Die Hard, Platoon, Dirty Harry...
Yeah, maybe we'll get to that one another time.
So here we go. Level 1, Nash Street.
RoboCop's just walkin' down the street punching everyone he sees,
and they all just run straight at 'im.
If I saw a giant robot punching everyone in Detroit, I'd get as far away as possible!
Oh, and that music! I hope you like the first ten seconds of the RoboCop movie theme,
because it's all you hear for the entire game!
It's kinda like a weird techno remix.
So a few seconds into the game, you hit your first major obstacle.
What is it? Motorcycle men? No.
Rabid dogs? No.
Purple jump-kicking guys? No.
Flying machine guys? No.
It's the stairs.
These stairs are one of the most frustrating things in the game.
It might as well be an enemy!
GET ON THOSE FUCKIN' STAIRS!
You have to be in the perfect spot, or he just walks past them.
He used them fine in the movie, it was ED-209 that had the problem with the stairs.
Also, RoboCop doesn't jump.
Well, at least that means there's no shitty platforming.
So after punching and shooting most of Detroit, you hit the first boss:
A giant red mutant man wearing boots and no pants.
You just punch him over and over.
Yeah! Punch 'em! Punch 'em! Punch 'em!
Mrrgh!
Great police work there, Officer Murphy!
After you beat the level, RoboCop flaps his gums at you.
Bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh! Why does RoboCop look like such an idiot?!
Ble-ble-ble-ble-bleh ble-beh!
Ble-ble-ble-ble-bleh bleh!
In level 2, you have to save they Mayor at city hall.
The red mutant man is in this level too, but now he's blue and he's just a normal enemy, not a boss.
I guess he got a demotion after you kicked his ass.
Fight your way upstairs to save the Mayor,
just shoot the guy when the Mayor ducks.
Most of the time you'll end up shooting the Mayor and not the bad guy.
It requires perfect timing.
After a few hits, the boss lets go of the Mayor.
Shoot 'im a few more times, and he freaks out and flaps around dead.
Now on to Clarence Boddicker's drug warehouse.
When you finally reach him, he just runs away and sends a bunch of enemies to kill you,
which are way smaller than everything else in the game!
Now on to the OCP building. Besides the usual suicidal henchmen,
you find red spider robots, ceiling lasers, giant farting gas guns and good ol' ED-209.
And it's, like... the size of a T. Rex! It's huge!
The junkyard level is a clusterfuck of bad guys,
there's dudes everywhere trying to fuck you up!
At the end is the final showdown with Clarence.
This is so far the most annoying boss in the game.
You have to dodge steel beams and Clarence's Cobra gun.
But once you beat him, you arrest him?
I thought RoboCop stabbed him in the throat!
I guess they couldn't put that in an NES game meant for kids.
Finally, on to level 6.
You're back at OCP, which has a giant conveyor belt from the Jetsons in the beginning.
You gotta punch your way through barrels and watch out for the flying machine guys,
all while the ground moves you backwards!
Oh, and you gotta hurry, because there's no power-ups in this level.
You gotta rush through the beginning, fight a bunch of robots, fight another giant fart gun,
and get to ED-209 as quickly as you can, or you'll run out of time.
This part is a frustrating mess, but once it's over,
Dick Jones gets fired and you shoot the fuck out of 'im.
The credits music is just weird, it sounds like carnival music.
[peppy chiptune music]
Is RoboCop gonna celebrate at the fuckin' carnival tonight?
Well, anyway, the game sucks and I have to do my duty,
to protect the innocent from shitty games!
[gunfire]
Okay, RoboCop 2... wait a minute, what's RoboCop so mad about?
Oh my gosh, he's shootin' all over the place!
How many bullets does that gun have?
Man, let me tell ya, if you thought RoboCop 1 was frustrating, get ready!
RoboCop 2 is an endurance test!
From the very start, you'll be struggling against the game's slippery-ass controls.
It's like someone coated all of Detroit in oil.
I guess they took Motor City a bit too literal.
In each level, you have to arrest certain bad guys, save hostages and collect brains.
On top of that, you have to destroy 60% of "The Nuke".
In the movie, Nuke is the name of an addictive drug.
Nuke is so bad, it's like shooting dart frog poison into your dick,
only to have a venomous snake suck it out and then shoot it back into your eyeballs!
This game barely follows the movie, it's an acid trip!
It's a mish-mash of colors and ridiculous platform jumping.
Most of the enemies and hazards kill RoboCop in only one hit!
Thankfully there's infinite continues, because otherwise you'll never beat it.
RoboCop should be blastin' drug dealers and robot machines,
slammin' into 'em with his Black Ford Taurus!
Not makin' these delicately planned jumps, like Mario.
Or one of those assholes.
Oh, look at this shit!
Everything in the level kills you, there's platforms that move at the speed of light,
and you gotta make sure to get enough hostages and Nuke, or else you have to repeat it!
On level 8, you fight Cain, and he looks just like the movie!
Wearin' a top hat and shootin' electric eels out a bazooka!
After enough shots, you get to punch him to death. But make sure not to get hit!
Your health drains here automatically, so if you're already damaged, you'll die.
After you finally beat Cain, it's more platforming.
I swear, every level's nothing but trial and error!
Every time you make it an inch farther, something kills you!
In this level, a weird rocket hits you, drags you through the entire level, and you die!
Why not just kill me?! You have to make me fly through the whole level too?!
GOD DAMN! This game just fuckin' hates me!
Somehow, after hours of misery, I make it to the final boss: RoboCop 2.
You're always facing forward, and you just have to shoot the shit out of 'im.
But guess what? You gotta kill 'im three times!
Three fucking times!!
The first time, you just have to shoot 'im.
He has a set pattern though, once you learn it, it's lights out.
He topples over and crashes through the floor below, and RoboCop follows it down.
Oh yeah, I definitely preferred to READ that, instead of SEE it!
So here we go, Round 2!
This time you can only shoot him in the legs.
If you accidentally shoot his body, your bullets bounce back and hurt you.
Again, learn the pattern and give 'im what's what.
Okay, here we go, final round, this is it!
Ugh... come on... ugh!
I'm gonna fuck you, RoboCop 2! Uurgh!!
C'mon! C'mon!
Aaah, yeah! Look at that beautiful end screen!
Ah, I gotta say, it feels good to be done with this one.
Well, that's RoboCop 2. Kinda follows the movie,
but that's it for me, I'm done playing these games, I--
[crackling] Eueugh!
Uuh.. I-- I'm done--
[crackling]
No! No more!
[crackling] Aagh! Eugaaah!
ROBONERD: MUST. PLAY. SHITTY. GAMES.
I MUST CONTINUE.
SOMEWHERE THERE IS A CRIME HAPPENING.
AND THAT CRIME IS ROBOCOP 3.
The worst movie of the bunch, and probably the worst game of the bunch too!
[energetic chiptune techno music]
AVGN: Well actually, this music is pretty awesome! [energetic chiptune techno music]
[energetic chiptune techno music]
Yeah! Listen to that! [energetic chiptune techno music]
[energetic chiptune techno music]
Yeah, but the start screen is pretty goofy. [energetic chiptune techno music]
When the hell did the girl have a machine gun in the movie?!
I thought she just used computers!
Oh, whatever, it doesn't matter, let's just get into it.
So the game is pretty much the same as the others:
Walk through streets, shoot punks and fight bosses.
Visually RoboCop 3 looks better than any of the others,
but the gameplay... not too exciting.
RoboCop moves as slow as shit comin' out of a goose's asshole, and his bullets move even slower!
Oh, and don't you love how the enemy bullets fly across the screen, while RoboCop's just crawl?
In between levels, you have to repair damage to RoboCop.
[funky chiptune music]
Yeah, just listen to that music! [funky chiptune music]
[mechanical whirring] [funky chiptune music]
This game has some pretty rockin' tunes!
If only they spent that much effort on the actual gameplay!
Oh, the platforming in this game is fuuuck!!
Every jump RoboCop makes is just barely reaching.
Most of the time I fall in the acid, which kills you way too fast!
Look at that, I'm barely on the platform!
RoboCop must be on his tippy-toes.
The first boss is one of the ninjas from the movie,
but he looks more like RYU from Ninja Gaiden.
He jumps around like an asshole until you kill 'im.
Level 3 and 4 are the same exact level, the only difference is that level 4 is backwards!
In level 3 you get the infamous jetpack from the movie,
which sucks balls, imagine that.
Level 4, I guess you're out of gas, so RoboCop has to hoof it on foot.
Then you fight ED-209.
He's real easy and can't hit you if you're on the platform.
Fortunately you're on the last level.
All you gotta do is avoid Scorpion and Sub-Zero and just go to this console.
Once all the numbers show up, the two ninjas slice each other's heads off..
Ugh, whatever, I don't care. I'm done.
You know, it wasn't THAT bad.
I'd buy that for a dollar! No more though.
Anyway, now that I've played all those, my nerd directives have been cleared.
[mechanical whirring]
[click!]
Haaaa! Yeah!
Oh shit, I'm out of fuel!
Whoooaahoa!
[CRASH!]
Just a heads-up, for fans of physical media who want to collect Angry Video Game Nerd episodes on Blu-Ray,
we now have four volumes on Blu-Ray, containing 147 episodes, up to Game Boy Accessories.
Volume 1, known as AVGN X, crams in the first 100 episodes, plus bonus features, on two discs.
X2 continues where it left off, with episodes 101-114, plus bonus features, on two discs.
The episodes are fewer because that's when they started shooting in HD,
so they're presented in their full quality.
X3 contains episodes 115-140, plus bonus features, on two discs.
Volume 4, Ready 4 Revenge, is brand-new with episodes 141-147, plus new bonus features, on one disc.
Also, there's AVGN: The Movie Blu-Ray, in surround sound with over ten hours of bonus features,
all on one disc, which I had no idea was even possible!
There's also James & Mike Mondays Blu-Ray, with 20 select episodes on one disc,
and Board James: The Complete Series on Blu-Ray, plus bonus features, on one disc.
Also, if you're looking for the DVD format, we still have the first nine DVD volumes of AVGN,
which goes up to episode 139.
These are all region-free and ship worldwide.
Go to store.screenwavemedia.com.