Man, I’ve got to tell you…I know people really like the Madden games…but when this
crap started to replace Tecmo Super Bowl…I mean, I think that was the first time in my
life I ever didn’t get my way.
People looked at me, like, “Aww, poor little guy, he’s heartbroken.”
Hey, and here’s a guy with flying logos behind him.
It’s Madden NFL 97, for the Super NES.
And you know, I’ll never forget the first time I played Madden.
It was Madden 94…maybe Madden 95, I don’t really remember.
But the players were running forward…and I was more confused than I’d ever been in
my life.
I took the cartridge out, blew in it for a while…boom, same thing was happening.
The players were running forward…
And my thoughts were running, too.
I was like, “Mom!”
‘Cause my mom fixed everything for me, I was the favorite.
I was like, “Mom!
Something’s wrong with this game.”
So she calls the hotline…you know, on the back of the box?
And she starts reaming this guy out.
“My son says the players are running forward, and he’s a very smart boy.”
Guy must’ve been speechless.
Good…the rat bastard.
Running forward.
I have half a mind to call that guy right now.
But I’ll tell you what.
Going back to it now, a couple decades later…I’ll say this, it’s not as outright stupid as
I originally thought.
I mean, it’s still not as good as Tecmo Bowl, not on your life…and actually, I still
don’t understand the running forward thing, and I’d like to know who made this decision
for the rest of us…alright, let’s be honest, I’m still not over this.
Clearly, I still think it’s stupid.
And since I’m not in the business of thinking whatever pleases you, there’s nothing you
can do about it.
Hotline guy.
And maybe your supervisor would like to hear about this.
I’m sure my mom would.
And I know, I know.
“He hasn’t talked about the gameplay yet.”
Well, what do you want me to say?
Tell me, and I’ll say it.
It’s Madden, it’s f*cking Madden.
It’s actually kind of incredible how Madden it is.
Like, this basically plays like a pixelated version of the latest Madden.
There’s a lot less different here than the same, at
least in terms of the foundation.
Obviously, it’s done better nowadays…
But then again, is it really?
Like, I think I had more fun with this one, to be honest.
Despite the fact that it also pisses me off, so badly.
And really, it’s for no other reason that it’s not Tecmo.
Bo Jackson would run all over this game, in zig zags.
I guess the thing that bothered me back then…is the thing that bothered me today, going back
to it.
And that’s how slow it is.
It’s all, just…it’s so slow.
It’s like playing football on a field of sticky glue, on a planet of…gravity, the
gravity’s just ridiculous.
Neil Armstrong, on the moon, could’ve outrun these defensive backs.
And apparently, he had aliens circling his ship…in a formation that appeared to be
a warning, or some sort of defensive posture.
See, this is what NASA doesn’t tell you.
Madden is based on Apollo 11.
So it plays like the Madden you know, only even slower and less refined…but otherwise,
I’m telling you, the series basics are still there.
It’s actually kind of impressive.
And the presentation isn’t bad, either.
Especially for its time.
It looks alright, it sounds okay…and there are a couple nice touches, like…during season
play, you actually get highlights from other games.
And that’s pretty awesome.
It gives the your season a much more authentic feel than you’d expect.
And actually, so does the player creator.
Your guy has to complete training camp and do a bunch of crappy minigames before he gets
to play.
Just like real life.
You know what minigame Tom Brady plays?
It’s called “Is my better life than yours?”
And he always wins, is the worst part.
But you know one of the weird things about this game…and I guess, Madden in general,
but especially this one…is the measurement of a yard.
What I mean is, the players are apparently three yards tall themselves, because you’ll
gain yardage when it doesn’t even seem like you moved the ball.
Like, this pass.
Somehow, that’s a gain of 19 yards.
Which means either I am quite mistaken about how long a yard is, or that ref’s on the
take.
Which is yet another reason to call the goddamn hotline, EA.
You just keep giving me ammunition.
You keep making me angry, and I don’t think it’s fair.
This isn’t fair.
No, but that’s Madden, isn’t it?
Unfairness, in video game form.
Actually, that doesn’t make sense, but why worry about that now?
We’ve come this far.
For God’s sake, I’m reviewing a Madden game from 1997, what would you have me talk
about?
How hot Natalie Imbruglia was?
How ReLoad was actually better than Load?
Maybe I would talk about those things…but…well, I’m all out of faith, at this point.
Look, this is how I feel.
It’s Madden NFL 97, for the Super NES.
Huge thanks to Kris, from Jersey City, New Jersey for sending this to the show.
And to Natalie Imbruglia.
Just because.