President Joseph "Rolex" Biden.
He has been in office for less than a week,
but, man, he's already putting his stamp on the presidency
with a series of eye-catching progressive moves.
President Biden has ended a ban
on transgender people in the military.
Mr. Biden signed an executive order yesterday
reversing a policy ordered by then President Trump.
President Joe Biden plans on making the switch
to electric vehicles,
replacing the government's current vehicle fleet.
The White House has added a sign language interpreter
to its news briefings.
Uh, Press Secretary Jen Psaki says
an American Sign Language interpreter
will be a regular part of daily press briefings
during the Biden administration.
NEWSWOMAN: The Treasury Department
will resume its efforts
to put former slave and abolitionist Harriet Tubman
on the $20 bill.
The plan to replace Andrew Jackson on the $20
was originally announced during the Obama administration,
but President Trump delayed that project.
Damn. Joe Biden coming in hot.
He's walking into the White House
like it's the first day of prison.
"Yo! Who's the wokest mother(bleep) in here?!
'Cause I'm about to whup his, her, or their ass!"
I mean, look at those executive orders--
trans rights, electric cars, sign language,
and putting Harriet Tubman on the $20 bill is back, baby.
Which makes sense.
She went underground for a while,
but then she came back once it was safe.
You know how she do.
Although this might be too little, too late,
'cause no one uses cash anymore.
It would be safer to incorporate her into the Venmo logo.
But, still, replacing one of the most racist presidents
with a Black woman who helped slaves escape
is amazing progress.
I mean, if you went back in time
and told Andrew Jackson that Joe Biden was doing this,
he would be like, "Wait, Joe Biden?
That guy who just got elected to the Senate?"
And let's be honest, the sign language interpreter
is way overdue.
I mean, of course Trump already had a sign language interpreter
for some of his briefings. But this is much better.
And I'm happy about the electric car thing.
But I will say, part of me thinks
that it's just so that the government
has quieter cars to sneak up on us.
You know? 'Cause now you'll never know
when they're driv...
Moving on.
Do you drink coconut milk?
Well, first of all,
congratulations on being basic.
And, second,
you might want to make sure that it's ethically sourced.
On the consumer watch this morning,
Target is the latest retailer to drop Chaokoh coconut milk,
a milk company being accused of forcing monkeys
to farm the coconuts.
Target says it's taking those claims seriously
and removed the product from shelves back in November.
The milk company denies all claims of animal labor,
saying a recent audit of its farms
found no forced monkey labor.
Okay, I'm-I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Hold on.
Forced monkey labor?
I didn't even know it was possible
to force a monkey to pick coconuts.
I mean, that's a lot of effort to go through
just so that we can drink the inside of a tree's testicle.
Now, I will state for the record, I do agree.
Don't be forcing monkeys into labor.
You got to do the right thing and pay the monkeys.
I mean, they don't know what money is anyway,
so you can just write them a check.
How many of them are gonna cash it? Like, half?
You're still coming out on top.
And stopping monkey labor is important,
not just for the monkeys but for humankind, too.
Because we're not gonna be able to compete against a monkey
for a job.
"I would like a living wage."
"I will do it for bananas."
"Damn you, Bongo!"
But let's turn now to the coronavirus pandemic,
the only thing more infectious than a song by Dua Lipa.
By now, everyone knows that there are a few ways
to try and avoid catching this disease:
you wear a mask,
you observe social distancing,
and, if all else fails,
you roast coronavirus so hard
that it doesn't want to come near you.
Damn! Look at you, corona.
You got so many zits, it looks like you exfoliate
with pizza crust!
-(laughing) -(crying)
No. No, no. Don't-don't cry.
Aw.
Now I feel bad.
Oh, and, of course,
another big one,
do not gather indoors for parties,
no matter how important the event is.
A small town in Chile is dealing with a COVID outbreak
that all began with a celebration for a feline.
Health authorities say 15 people came down with the virus
after a birthday party for a cat.
Ten actually attended the party
and five others were friends
or family members of the cat's owner.
The birthday cat was not infected.
Goddamn. These people got COVID from a cat birthday party?
Yo. That's the most embarrassing thing I've ever heard.
I don't want my last words on my deathbed to be,
"Tell Mr. Whiskers I had a great time."
This is such a weird story.
First of all, because I can't believe
someone who would throw a cat birthday party
actually has friends. And, secondly,
cats don't even like parties.
When have you ever seen a cat who's like,
"Ooh, a room with loud humans in it.
"I hope one of them straps something onto my head.
Meow."